Introduction
Everyone knows that life has its ups and downs. But sometimes, life decides to shovel a giant pile of feces on your face before urinating on your favorite shirt. When that time comes, don't resort to violence, create a Mario Rom hack, or drink until the world decides to do a color palette shift... instead, shout OUENDAAAAAAAAAN! The best part is that you have a chance to be a part of Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan!
What is this... game?
Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan is a rhythm game for the Nintendo DS made by iNiS (known for another good rhythm game, Gitaroo Man). Quietly released in Japan on July of 2005, this game experienced poor sales, and it looked like the end of the line. However, rumors of its awesomeness drifted to the United States, and suddenly it became a hot import game. So hot, in fact, that iNiS graced us with its American brother, the Elite Beat Agents, not to mention that the sequel was released not too long ago.
But what do you do in this?
The game's focus is the use of the touch screen to make your stylus tap, slide, and spin like a crack monkey to the beat of a song. One of my friends described it as "Dance Dance Revolution for people who don't want to exercise." Even though it's pretty much in another language, the gameplay is really easy to pick up, especially to those familiar to EBA.
Another language? You mean that squiggly writing that I saw in that really strange porno the other day?
Yes, my friend, that writing is called "Japanese", and I'm going to provide translations during the video.
Whoa, you know Japanese?! I didn't know that!
That's right, I am well-versed with all of the major dialects of Japan, like Khan-gi, Ramenji, and Jumanji. I know them like the back alleys of the capital of Japan, which is called Japan City.
Ummm... so what is the plot anyway?
Each stage has a character who's completely in a pickle. I'm talking about a really, really crappy situation that just makes them lose it and shout "OUENDAAAAAN!" (HEEEAAALP!) Suddenly, the Cheer Squad rushes in and motivates the character through the tough times using the powers of inspirational dancing!
... The Cheer Squad?!
You better believe it, babycakes. Introducing... the heroes of our game!
The Rookie
Name: Hajime Tanaka
Description: He joined the Cheer Squad through the insistance of his parents, who always wanted to have a "little dancer" for a child. He blames his glasses for his lack of promotions.
Secret Shame: He constantly shaves his head because of an irrational fear of lice infestations.
The Veteran
Name: Ryuta Ippongi
Description: Ever since he was a little boy, he always wanted to help others when they were in need. But then he realized that mentality doesn't get him anywhere, so now he's in the Cheer Squad to pick up chicks.
Secret Shame: His hair is currently on the Top 10 of the Terrorist Suspect List in America.
The Chief
Name: Kai Domeki
Description: This huge man is the leader of the Cheer Squad for over 15 years. He is the true Japanese Lord of the Dance and has the certifications to prove it. Kai is very proud of his broken officer's cap because it "smells like victory."
Secret Shame: He once ate a baby completely by accident.
The Sidelines
Name: Atsushi Saito (eyepatch) and Ittetsu Suzuki (mohawk)
Description: The backup dancers/doormats of the Cheer Squad. When eating out, everyone else leaves right before the meal ends so that they're stuck with the check. The photographer didn't even bother to separate their pictures. No wonder they look so sad.
Secret Shame: Tried as they might, both of them failed to get roles in their dream production, "Mr. T the Musical."
Cheer Girl - The Leader
Name: Sayaka Amemiya
Description: Professionally cheering since an exceptionally young age of 12, she is a prodigy of the ways of inspiration. Her can-do attitude and desire to constantly press forward makes her a natural leader of the Cheer Girl Squad.
Secret Shame: Sometimes, she thinks that the pom-poms tell her to kill.
Cheer Girl - The Smart One
Name: Aoi Kanda
Description: She can speak 6 different languages, has a Ph.D in Latin, and majored in Theater and Advanced Spunkiness. While a bit clumsy, her boundless energy and positive outlook on life makes her a natural addition to the squad.
Secret Shame: While she was born with black hair, a freak genetic mutation colored it pink when she was 6 years old. Her parents promptly disowned her.
Cheer Girl - The Looks
Name: Anna Lindhurst
Description: A star ex-cheerleader of the Dallas Cowboys, she moved to Japan because she loves the Far East culture. She does not know the language very well, so she tends to keep to herself and depends on her friends for translation.
Secret Shame: Anna was actually banished from the United States for engaging in "illegal butt shaking" during a game. She barely escaped from the FBI and fled the country.
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Name: Tsuyoshi "Feathers" Hanada
Likes: Passing grades, fish heads
Dislikes: Distractions, not being Japanese
Cheered by: Hajime Tanaka
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Game Music: Loop & Loop
Original Music: Loop & Loop by Asian Kung-fu Generation
Name: Sachiko "Slowbeef" Yamagata
Likes: Impressing her superior, the company dance
Dislikes: Running in high heels, the stupid teapot heater in the break room
Cheered by: Ryuta Ippongi
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Game Music: Koi no Dance Site
Original Music: Koi no Dance Site by Morning Musume
Name: D_I_S_D - Racehorse Number 5
Likes: Being a hero, crunchy carrots
Dislikes: Sharks, Crime
Cheered by: Kai Domeki
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Game Music: Guts de ze!!
Original Music: Gattudaze by Ulfuls
Name: Shin-chan, racing handle "ZZT the Fifth"
Likes: Festivals, the girl of his dreams
Dislikes: Carrying heavy objects unless he can't help it, The girl of his dreams' father
Cheered by: The Cheer Girls
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Game Music: Melody
Original Music: Melody by 175R
Name: Yasushi "Emalde" Tanaka
Likes: Exotic cooking utensils, screaming while cooking
Dislikes: Slow business, unclean floors
Cheered by: The Cheer Girls
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Game Music: Linda Linda
Original Music: Linda Linda by The Blue Hearts
Name: Shizuyama "Kijiro" Kazebayashi
Likes: Hot springs, Getting physical
Dislikes: Clay figurines, Potter's block
Cheered by: Ryuta Ippongi
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Game Music: Kokoro Odoru
Original Music: Kokoro Odoru by nobodyknows+
Name: Hiroshi "Sebbe" Mizutani
Likes: Fun runs, Clean work areas
Dislikes: People ignoring him, leg cramps
Cheered by: Kai Domeki
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Game Music: Atsuki Kodou no Hate
Original Music: Atsuki Kodou no Hate by B'z
Name: Trao, online alias "Argon-40"
Likes: Cute girls, Burning passion
Dislikes: Bullys, intense games of catch
Cheered by: Kai Domeki
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Game Music: Thrill
Original Music: Thrill by Tomoyasu Hotei
Name: Eisaku "Renoistic" Iijima
Likes: His lucky microphone, middle aged women
Dislikes: Hairspray, poor approval ratings
Cheered by: Hajime Tanaka
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Game Music: Taisetsu na Mono
Original Music: Taisetsuna Mono by Road of Major
Name: Cleopatra, posting as Volatile Penguin
Likes: Pyramid schemes, magic powers
Dislikes: Incompetance, bad first impressions
Cheered by: The Cheer Girls
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Game Music: Neraiuchi
Original Music: Neraiuchi by Linda Yamamoto
Name: Kouji "Rich Uncle Chet" Sugiyama
Likes: Classical music, warm air
Dislikes: Being unhealthy, long train rides
Cheered by: Ryuta Ippongi
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Game Music: One Night Carnival
Original Music: One Night Carnival by Kishidan
Name: Tetsu "Inertiaticsp" Ishida
Likes: Motorcycles, his girlfriend
Dislikes: Time limits, accidents
Cheered by: The Cheer Girls
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Game Music: Over the Distance
Original Music: Over the Distance by Hitomi Yaida
Name: Ichiro "B00n" Tamura
Likes: Respect from family members, wearing ties around his forehead
Dislikes: Monster attacks, being late for work
Cheered by: Kai Domeki
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Game Music: Taiyou Ga Moete Iru
Original Music: Taiyou Ga Moete Iru by The Yellow Monkey
Name: Officer Dan "Caufman" (short) and Officer Joe "Vicissitude" (tall)
Likes: Peaceful and boring days, dual-welding pistols
Dislikes: Invasions, seizures
Cheered by: The Cheer Girls
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Game Music: Shanghai Honey
Original Music: Shanghai Honey by ORANGE RANGE
Name: Earth - The Planet
Likes: Free ice cream, Captain Planet
Dislikes: Meteors ramming into it, France
Cheered by: The Cheer Girls
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Game Music: READY STEADY GO
Original Music: READY STEADY GO by L'Arc~en~Ciel
BONUS MOVIE: Cheer Squad Failure Training Video
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