Part 18: Stephen Hawking Weeps, Part 1/4

Hello again everyone. Sorry these updates keep taking so long to get put up. It just keeps taking me longer than I think to get all this together. A lot happens in this episode, one of the worst plot cliches possible is utilized, and I finally avenge my dad. I won't waste anymore time with my petty whining, let's get to it.

Previously, on Let's Play: Paladin's Quest
Johnny and Mindy continue searching for a means to destroy the monster Dal Gren. In Johnny's hometown of Reiyold his mother tells them about the legend of a sword on a small island. After borrowing a boat to investigate, Johnny and Mindy discover this sword doesn't live up to its hype.

Returning back to tell his mom not to believe anything fishermen tells her they find Zaygos' minions are in the process of burning the town to the ground. Johnny and company put a quick end to this, and rescue his mother. She mother rewards Johnny by telling him that he is adopted, and she found him in a strange boat as a child. She then gives him access to this same boat, and tells him to search the sea for his true origin. After much sailing they finally arrive on a strange island far from any continent. So we begin.

With these tiered plateaus there's got to be something good at the top. Let's get climbing.

See I told you. A mysterious jagged tower, it's probably been abandoned for years. Likely wiped out in the same tsunami that washed us ashore on Naskuot. I hope the hall of records is still intact. I need to prove you aren't related to me. If we can't I'm assuming the best and giving you the ravishing of a lifetime.

Okay everyone we're standing in the threshold of a long dead civilization. Let's see what kind of goodies they left lying around. I hope they had plasma TV's.

Well this is unexpected. Hello strange, bald, entirely male race of people. How's it going? If I'm the same race as you why do I have hair? It was probably a bad idea to bring the one girl back wasn't it? Mindy get behind me. We've stumbled upon the island of sex starved child molesting rapists!

That's creepy.

Creepier

Super creepy.

Okay that's almost normal.

...Fill our butts with your throbbing man meat! Run everyone run!

Well that's much better than what I thought. Though I'd like to know how you plan on removing our fatigue. It better not be through exotic massage.

There doesn't seem to be anything more to do here. We better head up and see the lead molester.

This tower is pretty high. They must have built it to peer into the bathrooms of the world's children.

That's probably the VD at work.

Waiting for fresh young flesh no doubt. You butt burgling bastards.

Okay Piaz if you want my ass you'd better have brought more than some drug laced candy. My mom taught me better than that.

He begins with the creepiness. He's so hungry for little boy ass he can barely contain himself.

Maybe you should have sent some help then?

Friend? Just friends? You've got to be kidding me, Damn you Japan and your obsession with relationship ambiguity!

Wow you really are a cult leader. That's the hollowest, most useless, quasi spiritual doubletalk I've ever heard.

There's time travel now? Hey genius why don't you go back in time to stop me from activating Dal Gren? Yes I know that would mean I never met Mindy. That would be a horrible loss, but it would save countless lives. What's the value of the relationship between one guy, and a girl who just wants to be friends compared to that?

What's Raiga? Is it another planet? This island? What the hell's going on?

So I step into your mysterious darkened back room and get transported into the past? You expect me to fall for that? More like step into your mysterious room and get butt blasted into oblivion by a bunch of filthy minded cult members as part of a gaytarded initiation rite. Forget it.

Yeah I bet you want to do something to us thoroughly. It's called ass reaming where I come from, and doing it to little boys is considered an especially egregious crime.

Alright gang. Weapons and magic at the ready. We're going to Charge in here and just kill the hell out of the waiting rape gang before they know what hit 'em.

Oh holy crap! I didn't count on them shooting chloroform into our faces!

Wait? What the hell?

Chapter 17, Part 2/4

Alright everyone. I've decided to release chapter seventeen in small chunks throughout the night to break up the monotony. Here's part two, three and four to follow.

I guess they weren't kidding about time travel. Either that or we're having a chloroform induced group hallucination while we're being buggered unmercifully by some deranged sex crazed cultists. That fact that everything is black and white in the past supports the anally raped while hallucinating theory. Either way I guess it's best to just go with it. At lest until our heads clear enough to enact bloody revenge.

Where did they drop us? You know technically if you were able to travel through time you would always end up in space. Because the planet you're on would likely not be in the same place it was when you started time traveling. Any workable form of time travel would necessarily involve the ability to move through space at rapid speeds as well. What are you lookin' at Mindy? I'm a teenage boy. I like the sci-fi. The point is we could be anywhere. I mean anywhere in the universe. Yeah Mindy, I guess that hut over there would be a good place to start.

People might think I'm barging in, but I'm not. I just knock and knock and nobody ever answers the door. Hello ma'am. Are you a fortune teller? I just assume. That is the only use of a crystal ball I'm aware of.

Wait? Hold up. You're Sophie? The Sophie? I've got a lot of questions. Look there's this thing called Dal Gren…

Kormu's here too? Where? Oh in the bed, I didn't see him. Since you're fixing to not help in any appreciable way, even thought you're a legendary being of indescrbable power, I'll go talk to him.

I know. Let's have a situation exchange. We'll each explain our problems and then decides who unleashed the biggest shitstorm.

No I said I'd go first. Even the legendary heroes like to Jerk me around.

Set what right? Are you aliens or just from a very isolated location? Here's anther question. What the hell is going on?

You just said all that. You're repeating yourself like an old codger.

Oh God. You haven't been an adventurer for as long as I have without knowing where this is leading.

People keep giving me choices that aren't choices. We both know that if I refuse you'll just keep me here and keep asking until I agree to help.

Well I guess you didn't make me retrieve them myself because you decided to hide them all over the globe. Hey Sophie! Hand over the goods.

Hey narration box. She gave them to me. You make it sound like I took them from her.

Wow these are a lot more potent when they're fresh.

Yeah I know how these work I've used them before, but since you won't listen to me you wouldn't know that. How do you propose to send me to Grantsurk?

Oh God my eyes! Could I get a bit more of a warning before you do something like that?

Chapter 17, Part 3/4

At least he told us where he was going. That's more than we get from a lot of people. Here we are in front of Grantsurk. Clearly a larger version of Ratsurk, as a random villager once told me the town was bigger in the past.

Hey Mindy, what to see me destroy the space time continuum? I'm going to open this treasure chest and take what's inside, but I already did that. In the future.

Touche, the space time continuum is a crafty old bird.

It's time for the painfully bad item abbreviation minute. Hey Mindy, I dare you to drink this P Water. Come on DRINK MY P WATER!

Mindy I would never try to make you drink my pee, unless you wanted me to. I don't write these item labels. We might as well have fun with it. Let's check out this town. I really feel like old timey piano should be playing for some reason. I words already appear in a giant black box. It would just complete the effect.

Yeah, its about four times the size of any other city on the overworld map, so that makes sense.

Without too much devastation? Do you own a dictionary? Devastation is basically defined as being an excess. People in the past sure were dumb

If by see you mean dismantle violently, then yes.

Here we are learning the lost HT element from a sage of the past. Previously I thought HT stood for heat. Yes there was also a Fire element, but this game also had Sky, Wind, and Air elements, so I figured it wasn't an unacceptable overlap. After a bit of research though it turns out that it's heart. Yeah heart. Save your captain planet jokes because an even more blatent one comes up in the next chapter.

If you mean beat them about the neck and head with sticks because they're a bunch of no good hippies, then yes, you do beat them.

Why is global domination such a big deal for people. It just always seemed like a pain in the ass to me.

Figures all this trouble because some legendary people set off a legendary dramabomb. Make a note of this. When you start drama it will always have negative effects. Even on people you don't know about.

These are the two guys who's job it is to block the entrance to the Dal Gren tower, thus keeping me from dealing with the problem in a timely manner.

Hey I think this used to be, I mean will be, I mean will was going to be have been before it blew up, which it hasn't yet, but it will be, but then I explode it after then, my school. God my brain.

Not too old for me to kick his ass. That's how old.

He likely figured out global destruction isn't a good thing.

Because he's a whiney, spineless, do nothing little bitch of a man. You don't have to tell me, I know his kind. I've met them all over the world, in the future!

Either this is an ancestor, or the school headmaster is as old as I always thought he was.

Mindy, we've been all over the place, but we haven't ever found somewhere that sells soft serve ice cream. Remember we were going to get some? How is it this whole world seems devoid of delicious, soft serve ice cream? This is a horrible oversite, and I will correct it one day. I swear it!

I wonder what Gabnid's approval rating is?

If that's a puddle of urine at your feet, then you must be the mayor.

This isn't the first time I've been profiled.

What is it, man of the urine soaked trousers?

What was your first clue? When he said "Let's build a planet destroying supermonster"? Because that's when I'd tell him that a cannon that shoots flaming kittens might be a better idea, and go over better with the population.

If you want someone to reason with him I'm probably not your man. People usually just start fights with me. On the other hand nobody else is going to talk to him so once again I have to.

With the painters finished we are free to enter the tower. We are likely about to go into life or death combat with one of the three immortals. Mindy if there was any last minute, just in case we die, making out you want to do, now is the time.

Okay, let's do this before I lose my nerve.

Even in the past this didn't go anywhere. Dal Gren must have been designed by committee.

There he is. Gabnid. One of the three immortals, a legend in his own time, and renowned even ten thousand years later for his wisdom (I guess that makes him five times better than Jesus). Surely we can reason with him.

Oh hell, he's paranoid and weepy over a girl! I was right about the dramabomb!

Gabnid, I know how much it hurts when you like a girl, and she just doesn't understand how desperately you pine for her. How you feel like if she'd just let you, you could make her the happiest woman in the world. Instead she just rebuffs you time and time again. You're always worried that one day some jerk who doesn't appreciate her, and doesn't treat a fraction as well as she deserves is going to turn her head, and that will be that. She'll be gone and there won't be anything you can do about it. God I know how that feels. It hurts like nothing else. A slow dull ache in your chest that never goes away. All that doesn't matter though. It's between you, her, and that jerk. You can't just take it out on the whole world.

On the other hand if you're a legendary genius you probably can take it out on the whole world. That doesn't mean you should. Think about the pain you'll visit on countless others? Do you really think bringing more pain into the world will make you feel better?

Strabo? That name is familiar.

I'm very familiar with all this too. He's activated Dal Gren! Get ready for hell!

That's strange, when I activated it a monster of unspeakable power appeared. There wasn't a strange calm.

Gah! That's more like what I remember. My eyes are getting the hell flashed out of them today.

Well fuck. You meant that Strabo? Strabo the goatse dragon? That's real impressive, but summoning a dragon in here is kinda stupid. I don't care how how many people he can fit in his ass. What's he going to do? The only thing he can do, and that's get a cramp.

This, on the other hand, is a better venue for a dragon. You're carpet bombing the hell out of the people most loyal to you. If you want to take it out on somebody, Kormu's around here somewhere. I've got his items and he's bedridden. Tell ya what. We can go to his cabin and kill the hell out of him while he's sick. We can even make it as painful as you want. That should prove to Sophie who loves her more. All you gotta do is put away the dragon.

He won't stop his emo ranting! Grow a pair and do something about it you idiot! Don't just cry on my shoulder.

Earth? That's a planet that doesn't even exist in the context of this game. Now there's a man Sophie loves on Earth? I am so confused.

Spoken like a true emo retard. Mindy, I don't know if we can, but let's at least try to kick his ass.

Gabnid creates a slight breach of etiquette by jumping straight to giant robot form without letting me pound on him a bit first.

The first thing you learn about Gabnid is he likes to hit you with orange energy rings. For some reason they aren't in black and white. I guess that means they're from the future.

He also likes this number here.

Luckily for us. We hit harder and faster. High five everyone! We just kicked the hell out of an old man. A legendary old man, but an old man nonetheless.

Wow he's got it bad. So many stab wounds and he's still going on about her.

Wow all he wanted was a little love and friendship. Kormu and Sophie must be a couple of stuck up jerks. I bet Kormu always wanted to do everything as a couple so even though they came here to work as a team he was always trying to muscle Gabnid out. I would just like to reiterate that from personal experience I now know all three of Lennus' legendary immortals were all dicks in their own way.

Okay you want me to plant this sword in the dragon's back. Oh hell. I just became part of a time loop didn't I? Bugger all, I'm on it. You okay Gabnid?

We really killed him. I'd say it was too bad, but he wasn't a very nice guy in person. Okay I'm on it, I just thought we should say a few words about him out of respect for his many epic level public works. Hell, the mood's spoiled now. Let's get on with it.

Okay Strabo has a weird ass anatomy, and I used the word ass quite appropriately. He's got the dragon head, and a crest, which isn't weird for dragons. Then he has a long dragon neck, that's normal too. Inexplicably though, the neck leads to what looks like a dragon asscrack. The hell hell is wrong with you? Did they use your egg as a ping pong ball? Whatever, let's get stabbin.

There we go, dragon problem solved.

Dear diary, today I gave a dragon the shocker.

I should have thought that through a bit more.

We're going down. Brace for a landing!

Strabo I just remembered. In order to keep from causing any weird stuff to happen to the space time continuum I need you to before you're totally paralyzed. I know that's gonna hurt, but it beats the universe ripping itself apart by a wide margin.

Just sort of violently pull the walls of your rectum apart there. That's a good dragon.

Wait you're the monster of Dal Gren? Why the fuck was I not informed of this earlier? Daphne could have said "Pull the sword out of his back, slash the dragon into a million pieces, problem solved.

This only causes further confusion.

You're some kind of dragon powered by emo? God, what the hell is going on! Nothing makes sense anymore.

You just described everyone's life pal. Live with it.

The next time we meet I swear I'm gong to just crawl straight up your ass. That isn't an idle threat either. From my perspective I've already done it.

It's been a while since someone just sort of dropped us somewhere without any directions or instructions. That doesn't mean I'm not pissed off about it though.

That's it for part three of chapter seventeen. Look for the fourth and final chapter this evening. That's the part where I finally avenge my dad. Followed very shortly by the beginning of chapter eighteen.

Chapter 17, Part 4/4

Strabo could have said. "I'm dropping you off right next to Kormu and Sophie's place." Instead I spent a bunch of time walking in the wrong direction.

Hey guys I cleaned up your mess. Try being a little nicer to the nerdy guy next time.

Don't trail off! I probably need to know this information, or I would at least like to know.

Yeah about that. I kinda need them.

How the hell did you do that?

Oh now that all your problems are solved we can finally get around to maybe getting around to what I needed? I know, why don't you go to the future and stop Dal Gren. Then we'll call it even.

So there is a way? Do you know how much crap I've gone through just to find that out?

That so figures. Let me guess, I've got to undergo this ordeal?

Way to presume. Maybe I'm not up for it? Did you ever think of that? In addition, you're so lazy you can't even tell me what to do yourself. You're going to make your girlfriend do it. You cad! What is the game on an you can't be bothered to get up? I better get talking to your overworked girlfriend.

Sorry to bother you Sophie. I'm sure that if you don't keep the bear coming Kormu will bitch slap you sensless, so I'll make it fast. You see I kind of activiated Dal Gren in the future and...

You're way ahead of me I see, sharp. I'm sure Kormu hates that. Forbidden spirits eh? Sounds prone to explosion. I like it.

Ultimate magic? This gets better and better.

Taking on the spirits? I'm in. If it means I get the power of ultimate explodey.

Crap I should have know it was going to be one of those crazy life or death ordeals. Could I have a moment to prepare?

That would be a no.

Okay this is it. Back in ninety-four try as he might my dad could not get past the crystal maze. Back then there wasn't an internet to consult, and strategy guides were not obligatory for every game. Your only hope was Nintendo Power, and as far as I remember this game barely got a two paragraph review.

Hell, this maze almost got the best of me during this playthrough. After dozens of failed attempts I consulted the internet and found several solutions that gave very precise and difficult to follow up, up, left, up, right, down, kind of directions. (the GameFaqs solution in particular is actually completely wrong.). So I was back to figuring it out on my own. Which I'm proud to say I eventually did. Like any good puzzle the solution is so obviously simple that once you know the trick you could run the maze blindfolded. I've blown the images up, and will now provide the only step by step easy to understand solution to the crystal maze anywhere. You might want to take notes.

This is Doth, a evil immortal (child rapist). That resides in the crystal maze. If Doth catches Johnny he sticks out his face, and rapes Johnny viciously. Nothing Johnny can do at this point will damage Doth.

The object of the crystal maze is to get to the center without coming into contact with Doth. He's the little cloud thing there. For every one step Johnny takes Doth takes two.

As you can see, this quickly adds up to Johnny getting run down by the much faster Doth, who wants nothing more than to violate Johnny's mouth hole (among other orifices).

Here's the really important thing to know. Doth takes two steps, but unless he's at a dead end or T intersection, both those steps have to be in the same direction.

He also can't move backwards.

Once you avoid Doth's initial rush he moves into the upper right hand corner of the maze and stays there. You have to get past him to make it to the center.

The good news about that is you can go wherever you need to now, pretty much unmolested.

What you want to do is head up, into the northern section of the maze.

When you reach this point you just want to move right and left until you've got Doth standing where you want him to.

Where you want him is actually right where you want to go.

This is where Doth's lust for young boys makes him play right into your hands.

When Doth's standing like this you're home free. Just take one step to the right.

Since Doth can't turn unless he has to that means he takes two steps to the right, and now has to go completely around before he can get you.

Which gives you enough time (with a tiny bit of leeway) to make it to the goal.

With this final step victory is mine, and my father is avenged.

White out again? That's what the third or fourth time today.

This isn't the end though you've got to take an amazingly easy quiz first. You start the game with the fire spirit, so that's the first answer.

As far as I know there isn't an Earth Spirit trainer in the game. So that's the second answer.

That sounds so badass, bring it on!

Now equipped with the spirit spell, Johnny now has a means to harm Doth, and charges the bastard.

Okay let's see what this new spell can do.

(I Really wanted to animate this, but it's just too huge.)

The spell starts by summoning these eight fairies, one for each element. Fire, Wind, Sky, Air, Earth, Sphere, Light and Heart. Now is the time for you to make Captain Planet jokes.

Then the four disembodied heads appear, making some kind of harmonic noise. (In game all four appear at once, but they blink in and out rapidly. That means I couldn't get a screenshot of all four.)

Then explosions.

Johnny thinks all this is

Doth is not so enthusiastic.

As a reward Johnny is temporarily blinded yet again.

Mindy you would not believe what just happened. I went to a magical world where... you saw the whole thing in the crystal ball? Then you saw my new death dealing prowess? Is that not sexy?

As requested here is a look at the bib item. It's high defensive properties lead me to believe someone on the North American localization has some kind of baby fetish, that makes me feel icky.

Thanks Sophie. I'm glad to know somebody is around here can be helpful. Even if by help you mean lock me in an enclosed space with some old dude who's queer for my gear. Why couldn't you have locked me in there with Mindy?

Kormu you had a time machine this whole time? What the hell is going on? Apparently time travel is actually very easy, yet nobody ever uses it. This only seals my opinion of you as an ignorant wife beating Jerk. I'm going to get out of here now. So you can smack Sophie around until she learns to listen.

Mindy you can look and look all over the world, but you'll only ever find two kinds of guys. The ones like me, and the ones like Kormu. What I'm saying is you can either get used to me, or get used to getting punched for bringing your boyfriend a lite beer.

I cannot believe they had a time machine. As soon as I pushed that stupid button they should have showed up and at least advised me on how to fix it. The amount of crap I wade through on a daily basis is truly epic!

These controls look pretty simple. Let's see what happens when I push the big red button.

Oh god my eyes again! Mindy I need to make an appointment to see if there's been any permanent damage to my retinas.

Wow, the vast corridors that lie beyond time sure look neat. Like most things they make we want to make out. Yes with you Mindy. J just isn't my type.

Oww I should have expected that one.

Looks like she's set to land. I'm locked out of the controls.

Screw Dal Gren Mindy. We've got a time machine. There's bound to be a place that sells soft serve ice cream in all the infinite possibilities of the past and future.

Damnit!
To Be Continued!

That's the last of chapter 17. The beginning of chapter 18 will be along in under three hours.