Part 3: Eccentric Woodsmen Don't Always Molest Little Boys

Previously, on Let's Play: Paladin's Quest

On a dare, student of the magical arts Johnny inadvertently unleashed the apocalypse by pressing a button in a strangely unguarded ancient tower. The awakened horror, Dal Gren, kicked Johnny's ass and leveled the magic academy Johnny was attending. Killing all students and faculty in the process. The only survivors were the miraculously unharmed Johnny, and the school headmaster, who was trying to make time with an underage girl in the next town over while all this was happening.

After browbeating Johnny, and telling him how the death of everyone he knew was entirely his fault the headmaster advised him to find a way to destroy Dal Gren. He refused to give so much as a hint on how to go about this feat. Apparently the continent's greatest spiritualist can't even be bothered to save the world, and would rather leave that in the hands of a thirteen year-old prepubescent boy. So yeah, the world is pretty much doomed. On with the show.

What am I supposed to do now? Defeat a gigantic ancient horror? I don't even know where it went, or how to hurt the damn thing. Oh well. I suppose no matter what I do next I should get to Ratsurk. I can't very well sleep in the rubble of my former school, which is more than likely haunted by ghosts of my deceased classmates.

Ahh Ratsurk, it's supposedly a fun place to hang out. It's got a pub and everything. Unfortunately, the guard never let us out before, so I only passed through here briefly when I was on my way to school.

I say there good villager. What is up in your hood?

Village of the Guud eh? For those of you not in the know the Guud are a race of squat, hairy people, with little gender differentiation (not dwarves, I swear).

This guy here spends all his time running in a circle ranting about how this Mindy girl was kidnapped. Wait, wasn't that the name of that cute girl the headmaster was trying to stick his thingy in? I'll have to look into that, but first I could use a drink.

I say barkeep! After committing over 400 acts of involuntary manslaughter I find myself parched. I could use a drink, something top shelf, I've got plenty of gold, surprise me with a cocktail.

Oh fine. How many people do you have to kill to be tried as an adult around here? You know what? Screw this I'm going home. Headmaster probably didn't know what he was talking about anyway. End of the world? Feh! I'm just going to take the Rope Network home, I'll be eating some of my Mom's delicious chicken casserole before sundown.

Yeah I'll say it's a problem you hairy lummox! I really don't have a choice but to save the world do I? Well in that case, the best place to start is by talking to random villagers.

Hello person who's house I barged into, what random thing would you like to tell me.

I'm glad to hear you have a gentle friend that lives in the woods (creepy).

Yes I went to the magic school. Don't you see the uniform I haven't changed out of yet? Further, I'll tell you what happened just to see the look on your bearded lady face!

Well that reaction involved a lot less pants shitting than I wanted. Also, am I the only one that didn't know about this Dal Gren thing? You'd think someone would have said something about it during the school orientation. Something along the lines of "Don't awaken the ancient machine of destruction Dal Gren. A terror from ancient times which sleeps fitfully in the Tower of Gabnid, located right here on our school campus." Anyway, more villagers.

I don't mean to brag, but yes, I do have special magic.

Actually seeing the Elder is a great idea. I need to lodge a complaint about the rude people in this town who ask very direct questions. Further, I need to talk to somebody about the poor service in the bar, and the substandard maintenance of the local rope network station. A lot of people are falling asleep on the job in Ratsurk.

Before I make my complaint let's talk for a moment about this game's magic system. As mentioned previously there is no MP in this game. Rather you expend your HP to cast spells. Previously I only had access to FireS, a single target fire spell. Spells are divided up into elements as per normal RPG procedure, and you are granted new spells when you gain access to new elements. All spells are the result of a two element combination.

Much like Secret of Mana when you use a spell in combat you become better at using spells with that elemental affiliation. Put simply, the more times I cast that FireS spell the more damage all my fire based spells do. I'm never going to find a better single target fire spell, so I've got to be sure to keep up on my elemental practice.

On another quick magic note; Spells are sorted into three target types similar to the Dragon Quest series. There are S class spells which target a single creature (S for single, get it), G class spells that target a group (G for group), and A class spells that hit all enemies (A for All).

So long story short I talked to the local sage in Ratsurk and acquired the sp element (whatever that is). This gave me access to two new spells. FireG, the group target fire spell, and Freeze. Freeze targets an entire group of monsters and forces them to stop moving for a turn or more. Unfortunately, as is traditional with RPG's this status effect spell has a very questionable hit rate

Anyway time to complain to the Elder about his lazy ass community. Excuse me sir I have some problems…

Well yes I am a Spiritualist, but I don't see why that's importa…

Hold up a sec.

This just in! Angelic Panacea drew this picture. Making her the awesomeist person over.

Mindy, the girl I keep hearing about. The one that's supposed to be so super cute she's turned every adult male for two towns into a child molester is a Guud? You mean to tell me every guy in the area is smitten with some bearded, breastless chubette?

And you want me to save her of course. What a bunch of layabouts. Still, I suppose even fat hairy girls need to be saved. It's not like anyone else would even fathom attempting it. So it's either me rescuing her or Mindy is condemned to a short life of gang rape followed by murder. This game was made in Japan so you know that's what's in store for her. Yeah I'll do it.

Thanks, sometimes a hero is just the guy who's unwilling to sit on his ass and do nothing.

What's this? An actual clue? Thank you Elder of Ratsurk! You are by far the most helpful person I've encountered so far. Thanks a lot for the hint, but before I check out that island I think I should investigate around town some more and see what I can find.

Ah here's the scene of the crime. I'd better look for clues.

Hmm the clock is still running. That doesn't really provide any useful information though.

I am pleased to report that Mindy's bed smells like a spring morning. I wonder what detergent she uses.

Her underpants are also fabric softener fresh. Unfortunately, the drawer is full of granny panties. Not a sexy pair in the bunch. That's okay though, considering her hairy back and huge Guud ass I'd never be able to withstand the image of her in a thong.

Before I head out to investigate Resuter island, I'd better buy some better gear and gain some levels. Fortunately the emulator's speed up function turns all potential level grinds into mere training montages. Quickly shopkeep! I need one unisex dagger at once!

And I'm off on a grand adventure to save an ugly girl. That's okay though. I guess you've got to start with the ugly ones and work you're way up. Oh hey there's a road sign maybe it will tell me where that island is?

So basically it's this game's equivalent of an I <3 Jesus lol! billboard. Woderful.

Lucky for me Resuter island was kind of hard to miss. The bad news is that the lollipop trees grow really thick here so I've gotta wind my way around serpentine style.

Speaking of serpentine. Fauna update! This ugly customer is called a Constric. I like to call 'em scarymouth snakes.

Hey a mysterious abndoned cabin in the woods.

Better check it out. Hello? Anyone home?

Uhh hello? I'm Johnny. A supple, smooth skinned, virtually hairless, thirteen year-old boy who likes to wander around the woods unsupervised. Where any strange hermit with a mind to could overpower me and just have is filthy, filthy way with me.

Wait there's actually someone here. Hey buddy do me a favor and foget anything you might have just overheard about a certain young man having a secret homosexual rape fantasy.

Oh crap this is exactly how it starts in my daydream. Look, just someone has a fantasy about being forcefully taken into the arms of by a burly woodsman such as yourself doesn't mean they'd act on it if the opportunity arises. Some things are just fun to think about even if you'd never do them in real life..

RAPE! RAPE! OH RAPE! SOMBODY HELP! Oh wait, what am I doing here? Where you see there's this hairy girl, and somebody has to save her. I kinda figured since I have to save the whole world saving a girl might be a good opportunity to test my skill at saving things.

I mention a girl with excess body hair and he knows who I'm talking about right away. Well maybe if I bought her body waxing at a spa for Christmas she might be okay looking.

What, you're actually going to help me? Wow I love you Fritz (as a friend).

Oh God no! This relationship has come full circle in record time!

Actually this stew tastes pretty good Fritz. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what's in it though.

Pretend I can animate gifs again

This might explain why people are reluctant to help me. Do goblins break down walls every time someone does a good deed around here?

Good question Fritz. Who they hell are these guys? What makes them think they can just bust up your housel and get away with it? Lets mess 'em up!

My man Fritz jumps in first with a hail of arrows. Good work guy!

Now let me show you how we do things in the magic academy!

Bitches leave!

Atually, in retrospect I think I may have overdone it with the fire a bit. Oh no it's getting out of control! Quick Fritz you got any blankets? We need to put this out.

Yeah I think you're right it's too far gone. I'm really sorry man, I'm just wrecking everything today.

Oh, and it's spreading to the forest. If Smokey finds out he's going to break my kneecaps. I'm really, really, sorry Fritz

Well the good news is it looks like it was a controlled burn. Also it opened up a new path for us to explore. This is your forest Fritz, why don't you lead the way?

Hey Fritz, do you know any adventuring songs we can sing while we're adventuring? No I don't think Kenny Loggins is appropriate for high adventure. No, not even footloose.

Ahh the bad guys may be hanging out in the mysterious cave. Good call Fritz. Before the commercial why don't you tell the folks at home a bit about yourself?

As you can see Fritz is a 35 year-old male Lubott who lives by himself in the woods. He is also a champion archer. His hobbies also include growing crazy green hair that reminds me of Genghis Kahn for some reason.

Wow Fritz, this is one elaborate cave system. The whole island must be hollow. Are you sure living here is a good idea? The ground might not be stable.

After some exploring Fritz and I find a suspect. Call me a racist if you want, but I think there's a high chance that the bizarre, winged, alien looking guy just might be the one who kidnapped Mindy.

Excuse me sir, have you seen a kidnapped girl around here?

Wow that was the fastest confession ever. I didn't even have to rough him up first.

Oh sweet baby Moses! He's even uglier up close!

Eat my ineffective sparkly freeze spell you hideous thing.

Yeah, didn't work

Fritz are you okay! That looked like it hurt! Fortunately I've got a potion bottle handy.

God almighty! He can hit us both when he flaps those misshapen wings growing out of his pelvis!

That's it, time to use the big guns.

You like the fire arrow combination ugly? I didn't think so.

Eat another one you freakling!

That terrible thing was not match for me and Fritz in the end. High fives all around. I'd try interrogating him, but clearly he's a fanatical zealot who won't reveal any information under even the most horrible torture.

And we know who he was working for. You need to learn to keep your mouth shut. Fritz, add this lord Zaygos to the list.

And per standard video game regulations he disappears upon defeat.

Clearly the opening he was standing in front of will contain the girl with excess body hair we've come to rescue.

Hey that's a really cute girl. She must not be who we're looking for. Let's not waste this opportunity. Quick Fritz! Hold her down while I... crap she sees us! *cough* *cough* Pardon me miss. Have you seen an ugly, hairy Guud with girl parts named Mindy around here?

Oh wait you're Mindy? I thought you were a Guud. I mean you're the Ratsurk Elder's daughter after all, it was the logical conclusion to make.

Wow I thought I was going to be at least sixteen before a girl joined my party.

Stayton Protip: If you are playing an RPG never use an item or spell that will teleport you out of a dungeon. Fighting out instead yields valuable experience and gold. This in turn seriously reduces of any possible grind time. I'm not actually going to show me fighting out of the dungeon since that's kinda pointless. Let's skip to the part where I leave the island.

You're leaving Fritz? Oh there's some freaky Guud chick with a beard that's stalking you? I think I met her. I undertand. Don't let her get you down. Maybe you should move to a new town with less hairy women? Just a thought. Anyway, thanks for being a good sport about me burning your house down. Oh, and thanks for not pinning me down with your big, strong, arms and ravishing the hell out of me for hours on end.

So you're Mindy 'eh. Your father didn't tell me you were adopted... uhh so… Get kidnapped often?

Three hours of awkward conversation later, we arrive at back at Ratsurk. As per any normal day, the pretty girl can't wait to get away from me.

Yes I know where your house is Mindy. No I don't need to stop and ask for directions. Hey even if I didn't know you do so I wouldn't need to ask for directions anyway. You just want to emasculate me, don't you?

Ding-dong! Sir I'm happy to report that your daughter has been saved and her virtue is still intact (for now).

She couldn't get out of my party fast enough. Figures.

Later that night

zzzz....

Huh? Molly? This has gotta be a dream. You know, a surprising number of my dreams have involved a girl waking me up from a sound sleep lately. Most of them end nicely, if you know what I mean.

Wake me up. You mean this isn't a sex dream? Consarn it, I was going to dream score.

Wait what now. When you saw me it gave you funny feelings?

A certified hottie wants to go with me on awesome adventures? That is so cool! Of course you can come.

No need to thank me. Anyway you look at it you're the one doing me the favor.

Wow I've know you about twelve hours and you already want to run away together. I'm the luckiest boy in the land! I'll do the happy dance later, let's get outta here while the gettin's good

Oh snap! Daddy's one step ahead of us. Sir, I swear this isn't what it looks like. You see there's this machine, and it's trying to take over the world, and well...

You're cool with this? Score!

And you know someone we can talk to about the Dal Gren problem? You're the best elder ever! I'd kiss you if you weren't malodorous and covered in matted hair.

Yes give her a crown. For I plan to make her queen of my whole world!

And with the passing of the crown, the sun rises on Johnny and his new teammate.

Sure she's underage, but so is Johnny so it's all good. The follow you wherever you go line is a nice sentiment as long as she means it in a non stalker way. Purple hair is strange but on the other hand ponytails happen to drive Johnny wild. Overall Johnny is happy with today's adventure, and his new friend Mindy.

To be continued.

Hope you got a kick out of this entry. I'm going to go through and make the screenshots for tomorrow's entry later today, but I've got a haircut appointment and some Christmas shopping to do. If things to really well I might be able to make to entries tomorrow.