Part 6: All the kind bud in the world won't save you, Part 1/2

Here's an early Christmas present: Part one of Chapter 5 in our ongoing saga. I need your help to decide what mercenary to use. I'll bring you the rest of chapter 5 on the 26th.

Last time Let's Play: Paladin's Quest

On their trip to Jurayn as part of a larger quest to save the world Johnny and Mindy find every town betwen them and their destination is on the brink of destruction. The underground city of Hagudo was nearly flooded in Lava, and nobody was willing to lift a finger to stop it. Johnny and Mindy had to go on a scavenger hunt to convince Smash the mine foreman

to leave the tavern, and set a bomb to stop the lava flow. A task he could have easily done on his own long before they arrived. After saving Hagudo Johnny and Mindy enlist Gorf the Merc to help them on their travels.

Once out of the caves Johnny was horrified to learn that the town of Jurayn, which he tried to hard to get to, was a breeding ground for hippies, and was in fact built in the shadow of a giant patchouli plant. So begins

As we stand in front of Jurayn, Mindy and I are finally in agreement on something. This place is repellant. The giant patchouli alone is bad enough. The place also smells of compost piles, expired granola, stale bong water, and open air sewers because that's the most "organic" form of human waste disposal. The stench is unimaginable. Perhaps a mutual hatred of hippies is something we can build our relationship on? Yeah, that should get her to let me hold her hand.

Finally, after putting massive cartoon style clothespins on our noses we advanced into the Jurayn.

The rain helped to dampen some smells, while introducing new ones to the mix. Now the place smells like gym socks, dipped in rotten milk vomited out of a dying cat.

First pal, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Second, I notice you didn't say freshest smelling. And third, I will be dead and buried in the ground until my bones turn to dust before I recognize any hippy government. Hell, you've got procedure on bong passing before freedom of the press, or the right to learn offensive magic in your constitution.

Upon going to inn we found it full up with other travelers.

you came all the way from another continent to talk to the mayor of this stink hole? What could be that important?

Wow you're here to tell him you're going to invade. Not that I don't endorse the mass murder of hippies, but way to telegraph your punches.

Having heard invasion was imminent I decided to see what the man on the street had to say about it.

Well of course your mayor's useless. He was elected by hippies on an "I love acoustic guitars that are also bongs" platform. Let's see what other folks have to say.

Stay back Mindy! He's pepped up on goofballs. Don't worry, I'll protect you!

This man was a bit more reasonable. He's still more concerned about at bunch of rough characters in a bar than a massive invasion force barrelin' down on him, but it's one step closer to sane.

Just in case I forgot, somehow this town's problems are also my fault. Trust me old timer, you don't want to know how bad it is.

You built your city over the temple of an evil god? Wow, how about the people of Naskuot make solemn vow to stop building their cities in stupid, stupid places.

In Lennus, the only way anything gets done is through random wandering. People will only give you the most vague directions. That's how I finally found the home of Daphne the sage. My long quest was finally at an end.

You know I'd be pissed about this, really pissed. But I'm just glad that I don't have to spend another second in this stench filled den of inequity.

Let's get the hell out of here Mindy, and wash our clothes somewhere upriver to get the stench out.

Mindy agreed to this, but I learned the girl wears more layers than my mom's famous artichoke guacamole dip. She took off her poncho, her jacket, and her dress, and she was still dressed like a nun. I'm starting to wonder if there's actually a girl under all those clothes. In return for seeing an utter lack of even the slightest amount of skin, she got to see me in my tightey whiteys. Yeah, she lauhged at me. Gorf chose to abstain from this activity as he wasn't actually wearing clothing of any kind.

We made it to the border of hippyland shortly after this. Much to the relief of everyone with nostrils and a sound upbringing.

Come on! Can't anything be easy around here? I've got to visit that usesless mayor if I want to get out of this shithole of a country? Well I guess it's back to Jurayn to talk to more random people.

The whole time we were in Jurayn this was the sanest townsperson we talked to

I cannot believe that with an invasion force on the way these people are protesting the mayor. Is it because he favors fielding their own military against them and war is bad? Here's a hint hippies: Passive resistance only works as long as your opponents aren't cool with just killing you.

This woman here is what I like to call a keeper.

While we were in the area we talked to some of the local sages to learn some L magic. Whatever that is (light or lightning, I'm not sure).

The odor of the place was getting to us even through the clothespins. So Mindy and I decided to stop buy the pub to see if we could find a sympathetic bartender willing to give two barely teenage kids with the weight of the world on their shoulders a drink or two.

At first I though this was another joke about us being underage. Then I noticed that everyone was drinking milk. No mister hippy bartender I don't want any of your raw, organic, hypoallergenic, unpasteurized, unprocessed, marijuana infused milk. I'd prefer to skip the e. coli infection if you don't mind.

This is how we met the worst insurgents ever.

Merc Alert!
Besides undrinkable milk and idiot rebels this pub also contains as pair of mercenaries. Let's meet them shall we?

First up we have Zuran. He's a little arrogant if you didn't notice. He's level 18, costs 500 gold to hire, and doesn't wear much gear. He also knows a single spell that raises the defense of a single party member.

At 300 gold to hire is Dan, a level 17 martial arts specialist who's hobbies include kicking people in the head.

Rounding out our contest is Gorf. He's been in the party for a short time, and like to hit things with a pickaxe, a shovel or uses explosives.

So that wraps up the first part of chapter five. I'd like to hear what you think of our three potential mercenaries. Since we have to slots you only need to decide which two or your favorites and the loser receives an all expense paid trip back to his tavern of origin. That's all I've got for now. Look for the next update in two days, and have a merry Christmas everyone.

Chapter 5, Part 2/2

After a short holiday break Johnny and Mindy are back, and ready to Quest some Paladins. First order of business mercenary managment: Gorf, even though we enjoyed your company I'm afraid you just don't have the skills we need to move this party forward.

Glad to see you're being a sport about it. Good luck to you in your future endeavors, and tell that lazy loafer Smash to get back to work.

Arrogant jerk you're in

You too ultimate head kicker

In order to show my chivalrous side to Mindy I made sure the order of battle would place as much rippling man muscle between her and potential harm as possible. That should make any girl feel special.

Okay, let's talk to the mayor of this town. The guy even the hippies think is useless. What? Does the most lazy person get to be in charge of hippytown?

This kind of makes sense. In a town full of hippies the guy who actually went to school and bathes regularly would be looked upon as a weirdo.

And something resembling directions, thanks a lot random guard.

So by sky tower you've all been talking about the giant patchouli blossom at the center of town? Is that the source of your hippy power.

The way everyone keeps insulting the mayor makes me think he's gotta be a pretty stand up guy. I mean he's probably the only one in town who tries to get all these hippies to work, and do the things that make a town like this run on a day to day basis. They probably resent him for cracking the whip.

Hello Mr. Mayor. I understand everyone in this town is useless. Therefore I volunteer my services in exchange for a pass that will get me across the stinky border of your stinky country.

What? That hat Mindy's been wearing low over her brow to keep me from geting a look at her pretty eyes is something special? Well you learn something new every day.

After all the town's I've been to I've learned at least one important thing. If I don't help nobody will.

Well you do talk a lot, the citizenry was right about that. You do provide a lot of information though. So it isn't like you're just flappin' your gums about your cat or something. So in short you want me to go into the underground temple? The one built to honor some evil god out of fear he would chew your eyeballs out from the inside if you didn't, and retrieve the power to keep this patchouli plant standing? Well believe it or not, that isn't the stupidest thing somebody asked me to do this week. I'm on it.

<a quick ride back down the patchouli elevator>

Yeah that's right hippy guard, you let the weirdoes into the underground temple. We're going to save your lazy asses because if we don't we'll have to sit around for the month it would take your entire society to collapse in order to get across the border.

Okay bottom floor, Evil hippy gods, patchouli roots, and ladies underwear. Everybody out.

Evileyes, Humbacks, and, Lao Tse's. Everyone say hello to our new enemies for this area.

Hmm a few steps in, and we see a funny looking idol. Could that possible be the thing we're looking for? Or is it a trigger to take us further inside some overly complex dungeon. Perhaps the first part of some poorly conceived puzzle? Let's find out.

While looking for a way to that statue we found a map of the overworld. That ought to shut Mindy up about us asking for directions.

We made it to the statue thing. How do we use it again. Why don't you headbutt it Mindy?

The patented Mindy headbutt does the trick, as usual. Wow that was easy. No boss, no puzzle, just in and out.

Now that Mind's headgear is all infused with power let's get back topside and save the town.

The mayor changed where he was standing. In gaming terms this is never a good sign.

Of course it couldn't be that easy could it? What's that Mr. Mayor? The hippies are staging a sit in to protest your attempts to repel the upcoming Saskuot invasion? They say that passive resistance and weed will win the day? Oh that is so it! Mayor, let me take care of this. I'm gonna get on that elevator, and when I get out I'm going to start killing hippies and I'm not going to stop until they shut their bong holes and start enlisting in the local militia.

*elevator ding*
Okay hippies, get ready to do the man dance!

Here we see Dan's much vaunted kicking power in action on a hippy sorcerer. Dan's boot to the head maneuver is nearly as damaging as one of Johnny's single target fire spells or Mindy's lightning spells. He can also double tap enemies with his tonfas for massive damage, though what he hits tends to be a bit random with those.

Here's a first for this game. An in dungeon item that's better than the one Johnny already has equipped.

Here's another first. The boss Johnny fought to rescue Mindy has returned as a random enemy. While not unusual in video games, this is only a few dungeons later, and a bit early for such a thing. Also, he isn't even palette swapped.

After much hippy mutilation we find ourselves at the top of the tower fairly covered in blood. Hippy cries for mercy are ignored as we purge the town of filth. We see two final protestors standing in front of the statue we need to charge in order to save the town.

Just so you bastards know. If you want to live you'd better put up a fight. I kill pacifists on sight. (Hey it rhymes.)

The truth comes out! Hippies are really just tools for subversives to corrupt our society! I'm going to give you commies such a trouncing!

Dan, show no mercy. Give 'em a headkick! Woah, Dan actually kicked clean through that hippy's head! Color me impressed.

Not content to let Dan have all the fun Mindy calls lightning from the heavens to pass electric judgment on the unwashed. Johnny has never been more turned on in his life.

Using the power of sexual frustration Johnny finishes the hippy off with a mighty stab to the gut. Insuring a painful death.

The hippies express that their only regret is their inability to bring more suffering to the world through inaction.

Hey Mindy. There's only one thing around here with more pumping power than that crown of yours.

Mr. Mayor. I'm proud to report that your town is saved, and your constituency cleansed of undesirables elements.

No need to thank me. Suffering hippies and a ticket out of here is thanks enough.

Hey I should take a look at that new map thing I got huh?

Wow, the continents sure are shaped funny.

Finally at a far enough distance to remove our clothespins we enter the checkpoint once again.

Passport? I got your passport right here! Now let us out of this sin pit of a country.

I'd rather deal with an endless wasteland than anymore goddamn hippies. Plus no towns means nobody trying to get me to do stupid things. Let's go guys.
To Be Continued

Thanks again to everyone reading, and to everyone posting in the thread. Sometime this afternoon/evening the first part of chapter 6 should be ready. prepare for another round of pick the merc.