Introduction

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is a RPG that was created by Intelligent Systems and was released in North America on October 11, 2004. It is the second game in the Paper Mario series (Paper Mario for the N64 and Super Paper Mario for the Wii) and is considered to be the best in the series. Critics have claimed that this game isn't a huge visual upgrade from the first Paper Mario, but they're retarded. Not only does this game look great, but it has aged well due to its interesting artistic style.

Commentary will be voiced by Wogturt and I, as well as guests we may find later.

Storyline

Long long ago, in a strange Japanese game far far away...

A small seaside town was destroyed by an evil force and sunk to the depths of the earth. A crappy town named Rogueport was built on these ruins and they made sure their sewer system ran through the ancient city. In the ruins there is a large door called THE THOUSAND YEAR DOOR, which may or may not have treasure behind it. THE THOUSAND YEAR DOOR can only be opened when someone has all seven Crystal Stars. (Sound Familiar?)

Princess Peach decides to go for a nice walk through Rogueport when she finds a merchant selling goods. She ends up buying a treasure map for some reason and gives it to Mario, telling him that he's better suited looking for treasure than she is. This is how the adventure begins...

Gameplay

Paper Mario: TTYD, much like its predecessor, is a turn-based RPG that also has minor platforming elements. It also has a lot of fucking text, but I'll usually try to give a general idea of what's going on. If you want to read, that's okay but it's not really required.

This game has everything you could want in a RPG: Health! Mana! Party Members! It also has an interesting audience mechanic that appears early in the game. There are even tons of items at your disposal that can help you or hurt your enemies. Just like the first game, there are action-commands where successful timing can grant extra damage or mitigate incoming hits. It's this game's bread and butter and makes for very interesting combat.

Videos

Wogturt's Awesome Metal Mayhem

Thousand Years.mp3

7th Pyre:

With Vocals. EDIT: I changed the vocal version to cut some of the sibilance.

Without Vocals

Lyrics:

Lights from the heavens,
Reveal the path,
The door is sealed,
To quell the wrath,
I search in fury,
Seven lights aflame,
End the evil,
End the Reign,

Desolation,
Plagues the world,
Rampant fire,

Rogueport's noose,
Tightened,
Choking life,

Faithful heroes,
At my side,
Selfless men,
Filled with pride,
Leaving home,
Last of our days,
May the world,
Return to its ways,

The gods hear our plight,
Together we stand,
Humanity aligned,

Hunters gather,
To set the fire,
Burning bright,

Our journey ends,
The seventh pyre,
The gods unite Redeye Flight's Partner Analysis!

HP: 10 base/20 Super/30 Ultra

Attacks: Headbonk, Tattle, Multibonk (Super), Rally Wink (Ultra)

Analysis: Take a good look at that picture, because that's what you're going to be using Goombella for 90% of the time. As mentioned, she's the equivalent of Goombario for TTYD, and starts off with the same two attacks: Headbonk, which works the same as Mario's jump attack, and Tattle, which gives you a bestiary entry for an enemy--so, from then on, you can see that enemy's HP when you encounter it, along with a bunch of useful information about attack strength and defense and such.

However, Goombella is MUCH better than Goombario, and not just in the obvious fact of having more personality and being much cooler. Goombario had to wait until being upgraded to Ultra Rank to get the as-many-hits-as-you-can-button-match Multibonk attack--Goombella gets it at Super. And instead of Charge, which nobody ever used and which can be unlocked for ALL partners in this game with a badge, Goombella gets Rally Wink, which if pulled off gives Mario an extra turn.

Now, all that said, Goombella is still not ALL that useful beyond Tattle. Anything wearing spikes or made of fire is completely immune to her attacks, and Rally Wink is a VERY situational move--it gives Mario an extra turn, but at the cost of Goombella giving hers up, and by the time you unlock Rally Wink you have a wide array of partners who could be putting that turn to much better use. But in the right situation (particularly if you use the Quick Change badge), it can be exactly what you need--for instance, if you ARE facing a lot of enemies with spikes or fire and don't want to faff about changing partners. And, of course, there's no substitute for Tattle.

HP: 10 Base/15 Super/25 Ultra

Abilities: Shell Toss, Power Shell, Shell Shield (Super), Shell Slam (Ultra)

Analysis: Koops is the second of three direct "replacements" in Thousand Year Door, taking the place of Kooper from the original. We're not going to see the third for a long time.

He has some interesting passive attributes stemming from the fact that he's a Koopa Troopa--f'rinstance, though his overall HP is the lowest of any of the partners, he has 1 Defense, just like the Koopas you run into in the field--early on, this evens things out. In addition, if he gets hit by a jump attack/bounce attack, such as a Goomba, he'll flip onto his back and take a few turns getting back up (though guarding properly will prevent that).

Koops' basic moves are pretty straightforward, and identical to Kooper's. Shell Toss just slams into the first enemy in line, while Power Shell hits every enemy on the ground--your first mass attack, meaning it'll probably be your best friend. His later-upgrade attacks are quite different from Kooper's, though--Shell Shield drops a giant-ass shell over Mario which can soak between 2 and 8 damage depending on how well you pull it off, and instead of the Fire Shell attack Kooper had at Ultra Rank, Koops gets Shell Slam, which does more damage than Power Shell and ignores defense (though for twice the FP cost).

Koops is a solid party member all the way to the endgame-- though he can't soak as much damage as Goombella, Power Shell is your go-to option for mass damage for a LONG time, because it's so cheap--3 FP to hit everyone on the ground. Since he's inside his shell when he attacks, nothing fazes him--fire, spikes, explosions, nothing--which means he's an excellent all-rounder. Shell Shield is pretty gimmicky, but Shell Slam is an excellent replacement for Fire Shell, and overall I like Koops quite a bit in a fight.

HP: 15 Base/25 Super/35 Ultra

Abilities: Body Slam, Gale Force, Lip Lock (Super), Dodgy Fog (Ultra)

Analysis: Flurrie is... interesting. Like Faceguy and Wogturt, I never used to use her much, because I never took a good long look at her to figure out exactly what she could do best.

Her closest analogue from the original party roster is actually Lakilester, the Lakitu who joined near the end of Flower Fields--they have a number of similar attacks, and are both cloud-based (sorta). But whereas Spike joined so late as to be severely underpowered in battle, Flurrie joins in Chapter 2, which means you can put her to good use.

Her abilities are something of a mixed bag. Body Slam is a hilarious direct-target attack similar to Spiny Flip in execution, except that since it's a body slam it doesn't work on things with spikes or fire. Gale Force is the equivalent of Spike's Hurricane, but instead of being an Ultra Rank unlock Flurrie gets it from the get-go, AND it actually gives you Star Points for pulling it off instead of just clearing the field. Lip Lock sucks HP out of the target, similar to a Fuzzy's attack but more powerful, and Dodgy Fog gives Mario the Dodgy status, meaning most attacks will be evaded (like Spike's Cloud Nine).

The important part, though, is her HP, which is the second-highest of any party member, and the fact that Lip Lock ignores defense. If Mario starts hurting you can put her in front and stall with Lip Lock while you heal him up, make him Dodgy to raise his evasion... or possibly just blow the whole field away with Gale Force. Between her high HP and Lip Lock, if she ever hits 0 HP you're doing something wrong.

Basically, Flurrie's strengths lie more in support roles than dealing heavy damage herself, and if you're running Mario to be outputting ridiculous damage, she'll be your best friend. If not, though, then you probably won't use her much.

HP: 10 Base/20 Super/30 Ultra

Abilities: Ground Pound, Gulp, Mini-Egg (Super), Stampede (Ultra)

Analysis: Fuck yeah boy we gon' settle this in the RING

Ahem. Okay, Yoshi rocks. His damage gimmick is the same as Bow's was: lots of little hits of 1. So for the most part, he's useless against anything with a defense—if you lack a brain stem. Ground Pound hits from 4-6 times depending on his upgrade, and is not that noteworthy: his real flash comes from his upper-tier moves. Gulp, as we saw, does fixed amounts of damage, NO MATTER WHAT, to the enemy he swallows and the one he hits it with. That can be invaluable for high-defense gimmick enemies like the Adonis Twins. AND, Yoshi can swallow spiked enemies no problem; only fire gives him trouble.

Mini-Egg spawns up to three eggs that Shrink whatever he hits them with, lowering their Attack stat, along with doing small amounts of damage. Finally, Stampede is possibly the coolest Ultra high-damage move, whistling up a storm of full-grown Yoshis to just run over everything onstage.

Yoshi definitely has his weaknesses—Ground Pound is useless against spikes and fire, Gulp against fire, and anything with any sort of defense stat will shrug off his basic AND Ultra-level attack moves (unless you boost their power with items or Star Power, but that can get expensive). But it's not just his personality or his overworld GOES FAST power that makes me use him all the time (just mostly that. God damn I love Yoshi). Mini-Egg and Gulp combined can make an absolute joke of high-damage high-defense enemies like Chain Chomps. Gulp is always useful, and anything WITHOUT a defense stat gets utterly ruined by Stampede—or, as shown in that QUITE SPOILERY VIDEO, you can boost Yoshi’s attack and just have him utterly walk all over the competition with multiple high-damage hits.

HP: 15 Base/20 Super/30 Ultra

Abilities: Shade Fist, Veil, Fiery Jinx (Super), Infatuate (Ultra)

Analysis: Love her or hate her, there’s no denying Vivian’s usefulness on the battlefield; she combines a bunch of abilities from all across the old party roster with some entirely new ones. Shade Fist is a move with a guaranteed damage output—the Action Command determines whether or not it inflicts ongoing Burn damage to the target. Veil is Vivian’s version of Bow’s Outta Sight, though it’s not quite as good—whereas Bow’s invisibility only ate up two of her turns, Veil takes two of Vivian’s turns and one of Mario’s.

Fiery Jinx is where Vivian takes the gloves off—it isn’t cheap, but it causes fire-typed damage AND has the potential to burn every enemy on the field, flying or not. Finally, Infatuate competes with Koops’ Dizzy Shell for shutdown usefulness—while it won’t straight disable opponents, by Confusing enemies instead of just Dizzying them, it means they will occasionally attack their allies!

Given you can’t upgrade her until you beat Chapter 4, Vivian is a slight anchor for parts of that chapter given her lack of a starting mass-target ability. But past that, she turns into an utter monster, slowly demolishing anything not made of fire (or immune... Buzzy Beetles

)—and if she can’t burn it down, she can turn it on its friends with Infatuate or just hide from it. Her Veil ability is exactly the ticket for fighting crowds of Hyper enemies, or some of the later bosses including most of the final dungeon’s boss rush, the final boss, and the bonus boss . And if you run into something weak to fire, nothing can save it.

Overall, no matter what you think of her as an overworld partner, in battle Vivian is an essential, offering your first mass-target attack that can hit flying enemies and a lot of utility besides.

HP: 15 base / 20 Super / 25 Ultra

Attacks: Love Slap, Kiss Thief, Tease (Super), Smooch (Ultra)

Analysis: Ms. Mowz, as befits a secret bonus character, is decidedly gimmicky. She can do only one thing particularly well, and the other things badly--but nobody else can manage to do what she does.

Her basic and only attack, Love Slap, is not that powerful--it does one damage on a failure, consistently, and only up to four at Ultra rank. It has a key secret the game never tells you, however--Love Slap ignores defense, the only no-PP cost move to do so. This can be useful, though it’s usually just better to force your way through with higher damage output.

Kiss Thief is even more unique--it lets Ms. Mowz steal items from enemies. This can be useful if one of the enemies has a rare badge, or an item that will make your day hell--like a Life Shroom--but if you have far, far too much time on your hands, it has an additional angle to it.

If the enemy is not holding an item, then a coin will usually be stolen. However, if an enemy has a chance of holding a badge or item, then Ms. Mowz has a small chance of stealing that badge or item if the enemy is not holding anything. Therefore, it is possible to steal rare badges by simply using Kiss Thief repeatedly on the enemies that sometimes carry them. -From the Super Mario Wiki

The rest of her moves, however, are nothing to really pay attention to. Tease Dizzies enemies, which is always useful but not that important. Smooch is aggressively useless, however, costing 10 FP to replenish 10 of Mario’s HP.

Ms. Mowz is not a good front-liner, sharing the “lowest max HP” crown with Koops but lacking his bonus defense point to make up for it. Her niche, however, cannot be filled by anyone else--and that no-FP defense-ignoring slap can be useful (the first time I ever beat the Bonus Boss involved a strategy including Power Lift and Love Slap). And if for some reason you need absolutely unlimited money, you can go around stealing tons of badges and selling them for effectively endless coins. Just make sure you have literally nothing better to do with your time.

HP: 20 base/30 Super/40 Ultra

Attacks: Bomb, Bomb Squad, Hold Fast (Super), Bob-ombast (Ultra)

Analysis: Admiral Bobbery is the latest partner you can get in the game--and they saved the best for last. Though his field ability is identical to Bombette's from the last game--walk, stop, kaboom--his battle tactics show some greater utility than Bombette's bizarrely thorough roster of explosions.

Bomb is exactly what it sounds like--walk, stop, kaboom. There are some enemies immune to this, such as the Buzzy Beetle family, but it demolishes nearly any other single enemy, and against some it provides additional effects (try it on Clefts!). Bomb Squad is extremely gimmicky, lofting three small bomblets at the enemy field which will explode some turns later, dealing minor damage with each. These give Bobbery some early range, but their weakness makes them useless against most anything with defense.

Hold Fast is Bobbery's stalling tactic--anything that directly attacks him while this is active takes counterattack damage, and is stopped if it was trying to go past (like some of the higher-grade Koopa's shell attacks). Bob-ombast is the ultimate example of demolition--for a whopping 9 FP, Bobbery deals 8 damage to everything on the field. Not very efficient, but EXTREMELY satisfying.

Bobbery is your best friend later in the game--he has more HP than any other partner at every stage of his development, his moves do lots of damage with nearly no enemies being able to ignore them, and he's a goddamn sea captain Bob-omb. Only Goombella and Yoshi can really rival him for excellence as a field partner, and in the next chapter he will be essential to the plot by dint of being both very well-traveled, and also a Bob-omb . But that's all I'll say about that.

The bottom line is that Bobbery does everything you could want from a partner--he can stall, he can demolish, and he has a 'stache that rivals even Mario's. Truly, a formidable force.

FUN FACT OF THE DAY: Bobbery is Imperial English slang for "a brawl". This guy is literally Admiral Fightin'.

milesluigi's Star Power Analysis!

Explanation: This is the first crystal star power received after holding the map at the Thousand Year Door. It serves the exact same function as Refresh from Paper Mario. It is able to heal up to 7 HP for Mario and his partner, and 8FP.

Game: Mario has to shoot stars at icons that fall on the screen. Each icon hit heals him and his partner 1HP or 1FP. Hitting any poison mushrooms will temporary immobilize Mario from throwing anymore icons.

Analysis: This crystal star power is very inexpensive. It is very easy to use repeatedly, and is your go-to power when you are out of FP. However, the amount it heals isn’t enough to keep up later in the game. Even then, if you can disable some enemies with Sleepy Stomp, it’s very easy to use this power repeatedly to heal Mario and his partner.

A fun fact about Sweet Treat: If Mario’s partner is dead and Mario uses Sweet Treat, all of the partner icons become Mario icons. This doubles the amount of HP Sweet Treat can heal for Mario.

Explanation: This is the second crystal star power received after defeating Hooktail. It’s your first attacking crystal star power, and serves a similar function to Star Storm from Paper Mario. It is able to do 6 damage to all enemies on screen.

Game: Mario has to press A on the stars as the bar fills. If you miss a star, or press A at the wrong time, the game ends. The further the bar is filled, the more enemies the attack is able to reach. Earth Tremor does as much damage as the number of bars filled plus one.

Analysis: This crystal star power is the least expensive attacking crystal star power. It also ignores enemy defense, and is a great means to end a battle quickly, or use on high defense enemies. It’s also the go-to power when you need Mario to hit multiple enemies, and don’t have Multibounce, or another multi-hit attack badge equipped. The game played during the attack is less reliant on luck, and more reliant on pressing A correctly during the attack. With all that said, there are more powerful crystal star powers later on, and the game played does take practice to use.

Explanation: This is the third crystal star power received after defeating Magnus Von Grapple. It’s the equivalent to a stop watch, or Time Out from Paper Mario. It is able to disable your enemies for three turns.

Game: A bomb drops on top of Mario, and will explode shortly. One has to tap the button over the enemies to toss the bomb on top of them. The power is essentially a game of hot potato, and can disable Mario, his audience, or his enemies. The further the bar is filled, the longer the clock out will last (but you should be easily filling the bar every time you use it.)

Analysis: This is the only crystal star power to induce a status aliment on all enemies. There are some enemies more immune to the “clocked out” status aliment than others; however, it is generally able to work on all enemies. It is also able to work on bosses, but keep in mind they tend to be the most resistant to the attack. Unlike most crystal star powers, this one can hurt Mario instead of helping him. If the bomb hits Mario and his party member they become clocked out, and the enemies get a few turns to bash on Mario. If the bomb hits the audience they become disabled for a short time.

With all that being said, the upside to clock out is amazing. Immobilizing an enemy for three turns gives you plenty of time to do tons of damage unopposed, use charge badges for a big attack, or just futz around and laugh at your enemies while they’re unable to do anything.

A fun fact about Clock Out: There is a badge in this game that makes Mario immune to most status aliments in the game. Wearing that badge will protect Mario clocking himself out if he hits himself while using this crystal star power.

Explanation: This is the fourth crystal star power received after defeating Grubba in the Glitz Pit. It has no Paper Mario equivalent, but has a loose connection to Chill Out from Paper Mario. It is able to increase Mario’s and his partner’s offense and defense for three turns.

Game: A three-by-three grid appears. Align the crosshair on the arrow icons to fill up an offense meter and a defense meter. The further these meters are filled, the more offense and defense you get from this crystal star power. Hitting a poison mushroom will slow you down, but not stop you.

Analysis: This crystal star power allows you to get a hefty increase in stat increases for Mario and his partner. Using Power Lift, you’re able to increase Mario and his partner’s offense and defense, essentially increasing Mario’s level with stat increases. It’s comparable to wearing a bunch of Power Plus and Defend Plus badges, and a good power lift is worth 40-60 badge points of stat increases. A normal Power Lift will increase offense and defense by +2 each. With some luck, it’s possible to increase either offense or defense by +3 or even +4 during the Power Lift. This power is able to position Mario and his partner in a great position in any battle; whether you need more attack power to end a battle early, or more defense to survive more attacks.

Near the end of the game, Mario and his partners are able to regain star power fast enough to nearly allow a constant power lift.

A fun fact about Power Lift: There’s a status aliment that prevents Mario and his partner from being buffed from Power Lift. It only appears twice in the game: It’s the allergic status aliment. The item that can cause allergic is space food, and the only attack that induces it is one of the breaths from the Final Boss.

Explanation: This is the fifth crystal star power received after defeating Doopliss the second time (for real.) It has absolutely no Paper Mario equivalent. It is the middle-tier attacking crystal star power, and is able to do between nine and twelve damage to various enemies on the screen when used properly, and up to about twenty-one damage to a single enemy.

Game: A star appears. Use the star to draw as many circles around the enemies as possible. If you fully circumscribe an enemy you’ll do three damage to that enemy. If you partially circumscribe the enemy you’ll do two or one damage to that enemy.

Analysis: This crystal star power is very unique, and allows you to pin-point damage as specifically as you want to. Normally, you’ll want to circumscribe all the enemies on the battlefield; however, the move is flexible enough where if you need to remove specific threats you’re able to do that. The power works best used on an annoying set of enemies on the field, or in the Pit of 100 Trials. Art Attack is generally less useful if you’re fighting a set of enemies in a large formation, as it takes longer to circumscribe them all. The crystal star power also has a problem in some boss battles, because many bosses take up a large portion of the screen, and are difficult to circumscribe with Art Attack.

A fun fact about Art Attack: This is true of all crystal star powers, but if an enemy makes themselves transparent you’re still able to attack them with the crystal star powers. Fighting a line of boos and they make themselves all invisible? Use Art Attack!

Explanation: This is the sixth crystal star power received after pummeling Cortez until he gives up. It is the mega-healing crystal star power, equivalent to Smooch from Paper Mario. It is able to heal up to 24HP for Mario and his partner, and 24FP.

Game: The game works similarly to Sweet Treat. Icons fall onto the stage Mario has to shoot them with stars. Unlike Sweet Treat, you’re able to hold back on the control stick to fire stars like a machine gun. During the game, there are a total of 12 small icons for Mario; his partner; and FP, and 4 large icons for Mario; his partner; and FP. The large icons will heal three of its corresponding stat instead of one. Like Sweet Treat, hitting a poison mushroom will temporarily immobilize Mario.

Analysis: Sweet Feast is obviously going to be the crystal star power to use when you’re low on HP or FP, and need to heal it fast. However, unlike Sweet Treat the game is based more on luck than skill. The icons fall too fast to reasonably control what icons you shoot, and it’s very easy to hit a poison mushroom even with practice. Consequently, the results from Sweet Feast can vary from a good 20HP/20FP heal, to a horrible 8HP/8FP heal (that is a lot to risk on 5SP.) Despite the risk, there is no substitute when you need to heal fast, or need some HP and FP for the next battle.

A small protip, you can fire the stars faster by whacking your control stick left very quickly instead of holding it. Doing this could be painful to yourself or the controller, but it does get you more HP/FP.

A fun fact about Sweet Feast: Just like Sweet Treat, if Mario’s partner is dead all of the partner icons become Mario icons. If you put your partner in front of Mario until they are dead, you can get a very good healing from Sweet Feast, between 20HP and 48HP. This is a good strategy to get the most out of Sweet Feast, albeit you need a dead partner to do this.

Explanation: This is the seventh crystal star power received after finding the real crystal star in the Poshley Sanctum. It’s the end-the-battle-now crystal star power, serving the same purpose Up-and-Away does. When successful, it will end the battle.

Game: A series of button icons appear. Press the buttons in the order they appear to clear that bar. The game is a long version of the action command of Vivian’s Fiery Jynx. The more bars you fill, the greater chance Show Stopper has to work.

Analysis: In Paper Mario, Up-and-Away would work nearly all the time. In Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, this move’s accuracy is better against weaker enemies. Later game enemies are more resistant to this attack (Not completely immune though.) You still get experience from killing an enemy using this attack.

All bosses are immune to this attack... almost. See the fun fact if you don't care about spoilers.

The best use of this power comes during Glitz Pit refights, redundant fights against weak enemies, in the Pit of 100 Trials, or as desperation when needed. It suffers from being luck-based, and it’s best not to rely on it when fighting strong enemies.

A Fun Fact about Show Stopper: There is one boss Show Stopper works on. Show Stopper will work in the second Bowser fight. It has a horrible success rate, however. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CB_An_p7DO8

Explanation: This is the final crystal star power received from the moon after fighting Lord Crump again. It’s the high-damage crystal star power, with no Paper Mario equivalent. It will do 15 damage to all enemies on screen.

Game: Mash A.

The more you mash A, the more lines that appear. The amount of damage Supernova does is equal to the number of bars filled times 3. (filling every bar is fairly easy though. You should do 15 damage every time.)

Analysis: The usage of this crystal star power is obvious. It does a ton of damage fast, at the cost of a lot of Star Power. This is a crystal star power to use during a tricky battle in the Pit of 100 Trials, or as a finishing move to a boss. It can also be used if you have a star or a shine-sprite bingo lined up, and feel lucky/skillful enough to nail it.

Obviously, since this crystal star power costs a lot of SP, it should only be used when Earth Tremor or Art Attack won’t do the job, or feel as satisfying.

A Fun Fact about Supernova: Supernova will kill nearly every enemy in the game. The only enemies it won’t kill are bosses and a few enemies very deep in the Pit of 100 Trials.

Cool People Making Cool Things

cofaigh understands me in a way that can only be explained by this picture:

cofaigh compares two explorers who defile ancient civilizations and cultures.

My nightmare has been captured perfectly by cofaigh.

I can't think of any good Paratroopa puns, but milesluigi gets it.

MAARIO MARIO Internet Janitor MARIO.

My Name Is Kaz shows us the goombas of the future.

Lady Goo-Goom

The ever-unpredictable Lady cum goomba-pop-music-superstar-chanteuse known for hits such as "The Fame Goomba" and "Goombad Romance" joins Mario's adventure, bringing sass, style, glamor, and headbonks to the stage.

Goomeonidus

After leading 300 proud goomba warriors to battle against the countless armies of the tyrant Bowserxes, Goomeonidus is prepared to deliver headbonks that would make the land tremble. Renowned for his battle-cry: "This is GOOMBA!"

Two-Goom Cohen

A classic goomba adventurer, so named for the double-headbonk of which he is the progenitor. Cohen devised the move after sustaining an injury in a goomfight, and deciding that what would really even the playing field was a second headbonk.

Internet Janitor, what have you done?!

"Not on my watch", says SloppyDoughtnuts

Internet Janitor spoils the ending and shows what really happened to Princess Peach.

Who feels sorry for TEC? Not cofaigh

Internet Janitor knows what a computer likes.

cofaigh is going to cause a time paradox!

Lunar Suite creates something that is equally as horrifying as the real game

cofaigh shows what happens when you hit Mousimilian too many times.

Token Fembot shows what the Chapter 2 partner could have been: Clint X-Wood

Internet Janitor cringes as Bowser says, "Draw me like one of your French girls."

Internet Janitor gave Mario some rockin' flair.

Internet Janitor sets it straight: no goombas allowed.

Mico is selling these once in a lifetime items for the low price of 300 coins!

Spellman makes the impossible possible.

Cofaigh is well aware of the dangers when wearing an X-Naut suit.

Internet Janitor shows Peach's true form.

cofaigh has created something that is strangely... hypnotic.

What does Internet Janitor think of Flavio? Wah.

A gruesome story that Internet Janitor has tried hard to forget.

Rose Spirit is pro-Whacka rights.

Why wouldn't you want to anger a Whacka? Professor Internet Janitor explains why.

WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED Internet Janitor?!?

"The best interpretation of grass I have ever seen." -Internet Janitor

Internet Janitor solves the greatest mystery of all: where to find a dried shroom.

LordIronHat brings some of your favorite Paper Mario™ characters to life!

The local residents of Keelhaul Key and annoying assholes, Fuzzies!

An enemy so dickish that it only enters tournaments to steal your money, Bandit!

The ghost with the most, Doopliss!

I... I think it's Mario, but you can never be sure.

You might not know this, but the bar in Rogueport only has one glass. That glass NEEDS to be clean.

A robot so dapper that you will shit your pantaloons.

One of my favorite partners to use, Vivian!

Internet Janitor graces us with a view of Mario's excellent battle tactics and a very nightmarish... thing.

C'mon FABULOUS, ride us into battle and glory!