Part 47: Episode 46: Spared No Expense

Last time, we discovered something called the Neo Ark is stashed beneath the Shelter, and that something inside the Neo Ark is giving power to something inside a giant spooky cocoon. Okay, so we're still pretty foggy on the specifics, but we're here now to investigate/shoot things.


Before we go too far, however, we find ourselves in a bit of a cutscene.





: Aya, can you hear me?


fuckin' love this game so much

: Okay? Listen up!



: So, you're on your own.

: What else is new.

: You can do it!




Why is it that Aya always seems to attract the same kind of guy?


Anyway, let's go scope out this Ark, shall we?


Our surroundings take a pretty radical change as soon as we leave this little corridor.


So much so, I made a video to demonstrate!


Oh, a fancy computerized tour guide? Neato.



: Tropical rainforests. Coniferous forests. Savannah. Coral Reefs. Tundra. Greenhouses for each climate reproduce temperatures, humidity, soil conditions, flora, and fauna.


"New humans"? What the hell does that


WHOA THAT'S BRIGHT

: We'll begin our tour with the Savannah Zone.


This update is particularly hard to write because I'm struggling to avoid too many Jurassic Park jokes. But seriously, look at this joint. This is more Jurassic Park than Dino Crisis for chrissakes!


Y'know, for a secret biosphere hidden beneath the Mojave desert and crawling with inhuman abominations, this place is pretty swank.


Our map isn't very helpful at the moment, but at least we know that Aya can sense Frieza's power level or whatever.


The robot tour guide said we should begin in the South, but fuck you I do what I want! We're going North.


Seriously, this place looks waaaaay expensive. Who the hell would want to go to Vegas if they knew this underground super zoo was just a few hours away?

 Everyone 


If we examine the windows, our automated tour guide will chime in and tell us a bit about what we're looking at.



: Something not quite right? That shift in space isn't a mirage!

: If it bleeds, I can kill it.



: Making the forest their home, Stalkers take a lesson from monkeys.

: It's using the trees!

: Their feet are fully prehensile, like those of the tree monkey. Additionally, it's control of skin pigmentation is far superior to even that of the chameleon. It's enhanced pigmentary cells can alter color and pattern to instantly match any background.


Apparently, you create the King of the Jungle by combining a spider monkey with an octopus. Man, we were way off with that Lion nonsense. Anyway, Aya has some shit to say, too.

: This must be that creature I met at the shelter entrance. So this is it's home...


So, we've learned two things: One, that this place is some sort of massive ANMC zoo and Two, our current tour guide is boring as hell. Let's try a little experiment with the next display.



: Welcome ta dis 'ere Rainforest Zone! Dis zone is home ta da ANMCs we call "Strangas." Dese are some of da foist eva made, da original ANMCs! Vestigi...Vesticle...VESTIGIAL hands an' powerful legs give all Stranga breeds an ostritch like silhouette. Strangas also got da ability ta mimic dere original human form via "apa...apu...APOPTOSIS" -- cell suicide! Yeesh! Howeva, da physical strain o' transformin' limits it to a few minutes at best. Dose test subjects who don't like da traditional ANMC form often choose dis here breed.


Once again, two things: One, this new tour guide if much better. And two, test subjects choose what they get turned into? Were all these monsters volunteers? Does that mean this place isn't actually a zoo, but instead some sort of elaborate catalog? "Tired of having hair and opposable thumbs? Come on down to the Neo Ark and choose a new grotesque form today!"


Too bad the only toilet in the joint is two levels up. That's gotta be unpleasant for guests. Yeah, you might get eaten by man-faced horses, but you also gotta ride TWO elevators just to use the john! What a rip off.




Okay game, you win. I'll go south, ya big railroading jerk.


The southern promenade basically mirrors the northern one, save for the sights to see outside.



: Welcome to da Savannah Zone! One resident o' dis here zone is da ANMC known as da "Suckler". Sucklers are mature in a neo...neotennised? NEOTENIZED state, look much like infants. Y'know, babies.



: Dat's really what it says? Dat's kinda weird. Oh well, I need da work! AHEM, imagine always bein' held in yer motha's arms, always bein' loved! If dis sounds like a good deal ta youse, ya might want to join da Sucklers. _{or getcha self a girlfriend, ya weirdo}. Sucklers are diff'rent from other ANMCs in both shape an' ecology. If dere DNA weren't so similar, we'd tink they was a diff'rent species!



: Jeez-a-loo, dis is a long one. I-I mean, what are da special features of da Suckler? In da developmental stage known as da Bonesuckler, dey crawl in packs, searchin' for prey. When da prey is found, a Suckler will rapidly divert blood to its head, causin' a cranial explosion. Wait, what!?



: What da hell kinda joint is dis? Nuts ta dat, I'm skippin' to da next part. Ahem, Afta pupatin', da Suckler leaves its larval state an' becomes a winged adult "Mindsuckler". From da air, da Mindsuckler finds prey an' uses its ovipos...ovipositor ta fire larva inta da prey's head region. Oh my goodness!





:



: I ain't neva heard o' no ant bustin' outta nobody's head.




So, if mankind's only two choices are extinction or evolving into brain-eating fetuses that hunt via suicide bombing and lay eggs in the skull of other creatures, I'm gonna go ahead and throw a vote in for extinction. Bring on the Reapers, that shit ain't worth it.


Aya wisely chooses to focus on the landscape rather than the fact that Pierce was bitten by a whole swarm of Mindsucklers a few hours ago.

: More of a desert than a savannah...



: Dis one ain't got no more o' dose Suckler tings, does it? Okay, fine.

: Welcome to da world o' da ANMC! Keep your eyes open for bouncin' ANMCs wit' big ears -- dese are "Scavengers." Dey might be small, but dey got big appetites an' can carrion -- da garbagemen o' da forest! While dey form packs ta hunt weaker prey, dey are not effective fightas. Since dey are largely nocturnal, you won't often see dem durin' da day.


RIP Aya's car, never forget


Luckily, this door is NOT locked, and we can continue on our merry way.


Seriously, how do they light this place? Do they have some sort of giant sunlamp up there? Who paid for all this?



: Dis zone is home to da ANMCs known as "Chasers". Afta leavin' da forests, humanity's ancestors lived in da savannah. What if our ancestors stayed in a savannah, discardin' dere tools, an' walked on all fours? Da Chaser is da answer to dis question.


Behold, the answer to a question nobody asked!

: Chasers have hooflike feets for fast movement across da plains. Dere mentality is geared ta support an organized herd social structure. Dere unequaled success as hunters is largely due ta refined teamwork. _{well, i suppose dere ain't no 'me' in 'horse'}


It's amazing how quickly this place went from "standard Umbrella laboratory" to "Bioshock-esque crazytown"




Oh God, it's like Dominic Deegan made real!


And here we find the next stage of human evolution sleeping in the dirt in the middle of the day. The next stage of human evolution needs to get a fucking job.











NEXT TIME


Uncharted Eve: Brea's Deception