Part 61: Bonus Update: Rat Chat

Bonus Update: Rat Chat


Cue the music, Johnny!

: Back thanks ta popular demand (and dat check in my mailbox), it's yer ol' pal, Rattigan Johansen here ta tell youse goons all about da wacky fellas in Parasite Eve 2. Now, granted, I didn't work on dis picture, but I actually know some of dese guys from da Screen Monsters Guild, so I'll tells ya what I can!




: Well, if it ain't ol' Billy Burns! Bill was a big mover an' shaker in da Screen Monsters Guild. He didn't do too much actual film work, but he had lotsa connections in da game business, and he was always helpin' out young ghoulies tryin' ta break inta da business. Bill get me my first actin' job as a stunt double on some Ninja Turtles project! Dey ended up cuttin' most o' my scenes, but I got paid and got sumthin' ta put on da ol' resume. Without Burnsie, Yours Truly woulda neva made it in dis buisness!

Real shame 'bout those prosthetics, though. Burnsie didn't always have dat big tube stickin' outta his mouth, y'know. Da make-up fellas on PE2 were unda a lot o' pressure, ya gotta undastand. Da director wanted stuff WAY outside der budget. So, they experimented a little. It mostly worked out, but Ol' Burnsie had a bit of an allergic reaction to da mouth piece. Sumthin' about the glue or whateva. After shooting his scenes, his big ol' throat just closed up. Burnsie died in da ambulance. Weren't nobody's fault, mind you! Just another sad tale in da business.




: Oh, hey, it's Blizz Markie! I didn't know he was in dis! Nah, Blizz Markie ain't his real name, dat's just what da fellas called 'im. I can't recall his real name, but I neva could pronounce it anyways. Blizshomansumthinsumthin' or whateva it was. Now, da thing about Blizz was, he wasn't really in show business, not like da rest of us. Nah, Blizz was an athlete, born ta run. Poor guy washed outta da Olympics on account o' havin' four legs. Unfair advantage, dey said! Can you believe what us monsters gotta put up wit'?

Anyways, Blizz got da part in dis picture thanks ta Burnsie. Dey was roommates at da time, ya see, an' Ol' Burnsie always looked out for 'is friends. A few days before shootin' his scene, Blizz got approached by some recruiters. Football guys, I think? I don't rememba exactly, but someone wanted him ta run for a professional team. Pro sports! Do youse know how much money pro sports guys make? More den monsters do! But, while shootin' his scene, Blizz broke 'is ankle. A nasty break, too, I rememba seeing da pictures. Blizz neva told anyone how it happened, but I've worked wit dat Brea broad, so I didn't ask no questions. Blizz neva got to run in no pro ball game. Last I saw 'im, he was still bussin' tables at da bar down behind da bowlin' alley. He don't talk much no more, but at least he's got 'is health.




: Oh, dis guy? Yeesh, dis guy. I neva formally met da guy, so I can't rememba 'is name off da top o' my head, but dis guy. Man, dis guy.

So, dis kid comes outta nowhere, gets his Screen Monsters Guild card, and snags a minor role in dis game, right? No big deal, good for him, y'know? But den, dis kid started comin' to da Guild meetings, and out came all da crazy! It started small, wit' him not wantin' ta sit by "undesirables" and "dirt". But we monsters got thick skin, so whateva, y'know? Den, he starts handing out dese manifestos; weird little things he printed out at da Kinko's or where eva. He didn't give any to yours truly. In fact, he only gave 'em ta certain folks at the Guild. After a few days, we figured out da pattern: Only hairless, furless, white-skinned monsters got 'em. An' wouldn'tcha know it, da manifestos were littered with "Racial purity" nonsense an' such! Before da kid could start burnin' crosses in front o' da Village Inn where da meetings were held, we kicked 'im da hell out. A few years later, he got busted fer sellin' coke. Couldn't 'ave happened to a nicer guy.




: 'ey, it's Eddie Boggs! Eddie's one o' my oldest pals. He actually auditioned for PE1 wit' me! 'e got passed over for da role of "Sewer Crocodile", but 'e sure was excited about me gettin' a part. I rememba gettin' completely plastered wit' Eddie da night o' da premiere. We was celebratin' da picture an' mournin' ol' Pincherton all in da same day. Dis musta been Eddie's last picture. I remember 'im having a real losing streak; poor fella couldn't get cast as himself in a damn documentary. 'e got mixed up wit' a kinda nasty crowd for a while. Kid was desperate, y'know? Those new friends o' his decided ta rob a liquor store one night, and thing went real sour for Eddie. He too a bullet to da flipper, and bled all ova da arresting officer. Eddie Boggs, da nicest kid on da block back home, went ta federal prison.

But not every story is a sad one. Eddie had a pretty easy time in da joint, y'know considerin'. Turns out even da most deranged crook thinks twice 'bout messin' wit a fish monster. Eddie's out now, and wit a little help from his ol pal Rattigan, he's turned 'is whole life around. 'e teaches scuba divin' down at da shore now. It's a steadier job den show biz, an' Eddie loves workin' wit people. Yup, things pretty much worked out fer Eddie Boggs. Sometimes, I wonda if he's da only one ta walk away from a Parasite Eve picture unscathed...




: Who da hell is dis guy, anyway?! I'm gonna find you, ya job-stealin' cheat! Ya hear me! Rattigan Johansen is comin' for YOU!!!