Part 179: 12/1/09

12/1/09

I’m still no closer to understanding why it is that a part of me yearns to be with Ryoji.



Oh, I’m sorry…
What’s… wrong with me? I didn’t even notice you were there, Aelita…
……

No, that’s not true at all.



Really, I’m just afraid to know the truth. I so want this to be real and genuine that I want to stay blind to it.



……
Hey, if it’s alright… Could I come to your room?
There’s… something I want to talk to you about.
> Ryoji wants to be with you…
Okay… Thanks.
> Ryoji seems happy.

And so I flutter on…



…?
I think this is… my first time.
Really?
Huh? Isn’t it?
I mean, I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve been in your room…
> Ryoji seems to be lost in thought…
It just feels familiar for some reason…
I wonder if it’s just something that I’ve dreamed about.
Or if I wanted to see it so much that it came to me in a vision…
Smooth line, Romeo.
Ha… I’m being serious.
> Ryoji laughs merrily…
…I think that I did some to see you.
Probably to become friends with you…
……

…like a moth around a flame…



Yeah.
If I hadn’t gotten this all wrong… If we were just friends, I wonder if it wouldn’t hurt so much.
……
Still… I’m glad.
I’m glad that I met you.
> Ryoji smiles…
You have such a kind heart…
…You shouldn’t give so much of yourself to me.
I’ll… probably make you sad.
It’s just a feeling I get…
Even though you’re so precious to me…
It’s probably wrong of me to feel this way…
It’s like… a forbidden love.
> Ryoji’s voice trembles…
> You can sense the heart-rending sorrow that Ryoji is feeling…

…longing for the heat and light…



Aelita-chan…
Please touch me…
Make sure that I exist.
Feel for yourself that I’m actually here.
> You gently touched Ryoji’s hand…
Your hand is so warm…
It brings tears to my eyes… Why is that?
Please, tell me…
It’s painful deep inside…
> ……
> You spent a long time with Ryoji…
> You saw Ryoji off at the intersection…

…the fire that consumes body and soul…



Tomorrow’s the full moon…
But, we don’t have any Shadows to kill.
Man, this sucks…
That reminds me… Ryoji didn’t seem like his usual self today.
He looked like he was about to start crying.
Maybe he’s been studying too much…
Haha! Nah, that can’t be it.

Oh please, won’t someone catch me before I fall and burn to ash?



So, um… please do your best on your exams.

It’s all made worse by how much I’d hurt those I care about most if I asked for help.



That guy’s got a lot of guts.
What about you? Has he asked you out, or…?
He seems like a real slick operator when it comes to that stuff. If you’re ever in trouble, tell me!

This is my weight to bear.



Do you think I influenced her somehow?

Everyone else has their own problems, after all.



Do you think it’s because they just don’t get along?
Maybe it’s more complicated.
Yeah, you’re right. It’s none of my business.

It’s painful, and if it was really important I’d try to share it.



…her words really touched me.

Personal’s not the same as important, though. I’m not going to make everyone else have to suffer through the fact that I’m just a horrible person who makes thoughtless, self-destructive choices.



She seems to have something on her mind.
What do you think, Aelita-chan?
I agree.
I wonder what happened to her…

I’ll just keep on my brave face and pray that the weight of my sins doesn’t break me.



I love the air here.
It’s nice and cool in the morning, and in the afternoon the sun’s bright and it smells like nature…
But I especially like it at night.
It’s quiet… It makes me feel like I can be true to my own feelings.
> Ken smiles peacefully…
I had some homework a while back. We were supposed to write an essay about our dreams for the future.
I couldn’t think of anything to write about, though…
The teacher got angry and made me stay after class, but I still couldn’t come up with anything.
I really couldn’t think of a single think I dreamed of…
But my teacher said that I had to turn it in right then, so I wrote that I wanted to be a soccer player.
…Because that’s what the guy next to me wrote.
> Ken nimbly scales the jungle gym…
Come up here, Aelita-san.
The sky’s a little closer up here…
> You climbed the jungle gym and sat next to Ken.

I’ll wish for a future where I know I’ve got someone who won’t abandon me no matter how disgusting I am.



It’s probably because I’ve never thought about myself like that.
I… didn’t care about the future.
But you made me realize that.
You didn’t treat me like a kid or take pity on me…
You listened to what I had to say.
I don’t simply wish to become an adult anymore.
It all depends… on how I become one.
There’s no rush.
Yes. I need to go at my own pace… Right?
> Ken smiles…
If you can stay by my side and watch over me, I’ll be happy…
> Ken blushes a little…
> You feel like your bond with Ken has grown stronger…

Even though I don’t deserve it…



If you don’t mind, can we visit the shrine before we head back?
I want to pray for everyone’s safety.
…You’re all important to me, after all.
> You and Ken spent some time at the shrine before returning to the dorm together.

…won’t someone save me from myself?