Part 109: Fake Update

Fake Update:


As you all know, given the huge scope of Planescape: Torment, I can't possibly work every single quest into the narrative, though I do try to work in the more interesting ones. One part of the game that I wasn't able to include nets us both a swanky magic item and a "new taunt" for Morte.

All it involves is acts of horrible vandalism.

Sweet! Sounds profitable and not potentially painful at all!


Absolutely.

First things first... we head off to Vrischika's Curiosity Shop, the hub where you can buy goodies to complete all sorts of quests. Ignoring the assorted yummy things like the Monster Jug or the Baby Oil, we're going to buy...







We also pick up an old tool we bought from the Foundry when performing the Godsmen quests.





"Magical meat-lotion and a hammer. Sounds like someone's going to have a wild night."

"Shut up, Morte."


Now being the fine epicureans we are, we take our tools to Yvana's Art Gallery, and inquire about one particular piece.







"It is said that the fury of the curse was enough to blister the flesh from the bones of those that heard it, and that it could even shatter the stones themselves."

"Flesh-blistering. Stone-shattering. Got it."

"Give your curiosity about our fine statue, might I inquire as to why you have that hammer in your hand?"

"We're, uh... carpenters."

"If I may say so, you seem very heavily armed for carpenters."

"We're contracted out from the Hive."

"If I may say so, you seem very lightly armed for the Hive."


She's not exactly clever. The statue is around the back, hopefully away from prying eyes and ears.











*You carefully examine the cracks that run, like a network of fine, black veins, along the statue's surface. At one point, near its inner arm, is a section where an entire splinter of stone looks ready to come off.*


It's Hammertime.





*whunk*






The Mad Splinter is an okay weapon. 2-5 piercing, but with only a +1 bonus. Its main advantage is that it poisons its target, which is nice, but overall it's just better to slice shit up with high-damage attacks like Dak'kon's Zerth Blade. However, this does fulfill my obsessive-compulsive need to collect every damn unique item that I come across.

Now I would be happy to switch out TNO's +2 dagger with something that deals poison damage, but the Mad Splinter's big weakness is that it's breakable. Basically it can deal 15 hits before it shatters. On the upside, you could smack something 14 times, sell the splinter, and the thing gets recharged to take another 15 hits when you buy it back. One of the best exploits of the Infinity Engine.





"Erm... sorry."

Enough with the empathy. Time to slather up that statue and see what happens.









"OH GOD WHYYYYYYY."

Now Morte (being voiced by Rob Paulsen, the guy who does Yakko Warner from Animaniacs) gives a cheerful "New taunts! All riiiight!" as his best friend dies a horrible, bloody, eyeball-bursting death in front of him, and his Litany of Curses ability improves yet another step.





"The flesh-blistering is worse than I ever could've imagined!!! Hurghl- blaaaarrrghhhh..."





Oddly enough, all the other people browsing the art and our own party members, who were right next to TNO when he pulled this shit, are perfectly fine. When we return to Yvana we can inquire once again about the statue.





Not exactly clever.