Part 54: A Calm Look

Update 55: A Calm Look
^{Fair warning: the Empire comes up in this post.}

Hammerlocke starts out like most other Gyms – until we run into Sonia right next to the entrance.



But the door’s closed with an electric lock. Opening it might take some time...

Since this obviously isn’t very important, instead of trying to follow up on this…







… We beat up another Dynamax Pokémon. Hooray! Then our phone starts to beep.

That’s your Rotom Phone, Gloria! It’s got to be Sonia!

She’s right there, why would she –





I can see you from here, you know.

And I’m trying not to cause a fuss! Get over here!



You lot ready to handle this?



Let’s go.

…





As expected of the Champion. You, followers—give them your praise.



<sub>Who the hell are these people?

His fans ?</sub>

Let’s cut to the chase. Why are you forcing Pokémon to Dynamax?

All the lies and fake stories you all believe... We did it in order to expose the true nature of Zacian and Zamazenta!

Zacian and Zamazenta saved all of Galar!



We are not descended from two Pokémon! Our family records are accurate for well over 1000 years. For each of our ancestral lines, we have always been revered as the resplendent descendants of the real hero… You said that the real heroes were Pokémon! You just carelessly changed history! You even convinced the true king of Galar to disdain his responsibility!



The crowd boos, using some of the only human voice tracks in the game.

Compare the way things were to the way they are now. It’s obvious that the old history was better! It was right! To suddenly start creating heroes left and right... It’s complete rubbish!

The old history was better, eh? … Tell me, what’s your opinion of the Galarian Empire?

Why, it was the pinnacle of civilization, of course! Our industry and culture were the envy of the world –

Get fucked!

Beg pardon?

I’m a historian, you twit. I know what we did! The millions of people we orchestrated the starvation and murder of… We rampaged across the world stealing everything that wasn’t nailed down and killing everyone who fought back! I don’t know how many languages no longer exist because we stamped them out and how much of the past we destroyed when we decided their buildings and records weren’t up to our standards.

And we brought them culture and infrastructure! We produced some of the greatest literature the world has ever known! We built railroads they still use, educated their leaders, and designed the system of government most of them use! They use our language to strike deals with their neighbors!

That’s the nature of colonialism; it’s velvet wrapped around a knife. We brought contributions to their cultures and societies they use and embrace to this day. And we also pillaged, burned, and murdered everywhere we ruled for centuries. There’s a reason most of our colonies broke free the moment they could! And maybe you didn’t notice the tam o’ shanter, but I am Cameran. Honestly, I like being a citizen of modern Galar. There’s a lot to say for it. But I haven’t forgotten how the Galarians pulled the island together; there’s a reason we occasionally try to break free. And for us Camerans, especially the East Camerans, we remember that you perfected the techniques you used to cause that destruction on us right here at home.

I refuse to discuss this with someone incapable of understanding our heritage.

Then let’s discuss something else I don’t understand – your hair! What kind of torture techniques do you practice on it every morning? You look like a Mantine decided to have sex with your face, shook off the beer goggles a bit, and decided to go around back around so it wouldn’t have to fuck THAT. And your brother is even worse! His hair looks like somebody sliced off his todger, dyed it grey, threw it under a steamroller, and bolted it to the back of his head. I can’t tell if you’re natural blonds or if you’ve abused your poor scalps so much they’re trying to turn your hair white in protest. I don’t believe those are actually your “ancestral hairstyles”. Can you imagine cramming that shit into a helmet? No, I bet your ancestors invented them a couple generations back and lied to their children about them, just as they did about their pedigree –

Enough!



Yeah, uh, if it wasn’t already obvious, we’re apparently trying to re-create the main plot in miniature here while making it somehow even more slapdash; in line with the aesthetic, his team is exactly the same as the first time we fought him right down to the moveset. The single solitary difference is all of them have been bumped up four levels. Look, I know this is sloppy LPing, but there’s literally nothing to this fight you haven’t seen before. So instead of actually narrating the fight, I’m just going to show off a few moves.





No Retreat, as I mentioned earlier, solidly boosts all of Falinks’s stats in exchange for trapping them on the battlefield. I’ve heard it said that it’s supposed to make it a useful gimmick Pokémon when fighting other players: toss it out, let it soak up damage, use the opportunity to give your team a pitstop, and come back ready for bear once it goes down. Unfortunately, it’s just not a very good Pokémon on all kinds of levels, and apparently the gimmick doesn’t work very well anyway. Here, it just means it takes me longer to put the thing down.



Oh please.









Hyper Beam was one of the most powerful moves in Gen 1; it took some planning to use, given the fact that it made you skip a turn after you used it, but its Normal type it made it hit just about everything and it was strong enough to wreak havoc on whatever its target happen to be. It was also Gyarados’s effective signature move, and while many other Pokémon got their hands on it over the years, the two remain closely associated.


_(Source)

See? But yeah, there’s nothing interesting about this fight.



Wait – we need to know. What the hell have you been using the Wishing Stars for?

We happened to appropriate something valuable from a museum recently; we had a sympathizer on the staff, you see. A remarkable and very old paired sword and shield.

_{Oh my god .}

The sword has some connection to your pretend Zacian, and based on our studies, we believe we can summon it through extensive exposure to Galar radiation. Then… Well, if it really is the true Zacian, as you say, it will either resist the radiation or avoid such an obvious trap, no? But if it does not, well, suddenly such a Pokémon will begin to run amok! A Pokémon natural disaster we prepared for and we can handle!

…So all those sudden Dynamax Pokémon from before were just your little experiments.

An astute deduction, your Majesty! And we learned quite a bit. Now that we know how to artificially induce Dynamaxing at will, well…

You think we’ll let you get away with this?





If I am not mistaken, we just did. I will not stop you from boarding this elevator if you so wish; perhaps you will see something educational once you reach the top.







I swear to God, they borrowed the Super Saiyan sound effect for Zacian in this scene.



Stop! Zacian is in pain!

Yes! Expose your true barbaric, brutish nature…

Zacian just headbutts Sordward.









Gloria! I’ll keep everyone else safe down here! So you don’t have to worry about a thing! You just focus on calming down Zacian!

Battle! (Mysterious Being) - Pokémon Sword and Shield OST (RECOMMENDED LISTENING)


^{Ignore the lighting change, please, it’s what happens when I forget that the Switch’s internal clock affects light levels.}

Seriously, listen to that track, it literally slaps. I’m always a fan of a nice bass line, but this one is probably my favorite non-rival track in the game. Anyway, Zacian is by far the strongest Pokémon we’ve faced yet, at least in sheer levels. You can’t catch her, though. This isn’t Sword.



She’s also very potent; she has a nice moveset and hits fast. I spent a lot of time trying to get her to show off some of her unusual moves, but she knocked out my Pokémon about as fast as I could Revive them. Right before she KOs my last Pokémon she breaks out Sacred Sword, only to for me to find out it’s visually underwhelming, just a quick image of a sword and an impact.





It also gives us the first game over of the play through. Not pictured: us tossing away almost 10,000 PokéYen in sheer panic. But that’s with me deliberately dragging things out.



Ddraig Goch’s Cross Poison was practically made to face down Zacian. Without it, I probably would’ve had to go back and pump some Rare Candies into my Pokémon just to keep them around long enough to take more than one or two hits. I couldn’t even get Lindworm to use Splash against her! She’d just OHKO him before he got in a move .





Zacian powers up and charges Hop –



– Only for Zamazenta to appear in front of him.





The two have a brief doggie conversation…



…Only for Zacian to turn tail and jump away. I need to stress just how badly animated the Legendary Wolves are; their models have exactly one walk cycle that plays even as they turn, creating some profoundly unnatural/stupid-looking visual effects. Crunch !



I don’t like this, Gloria… Not one bit. I’m going to go after Zacian!













(… I cannot communicate properly in this form. I suppose there’s no avoiding it)


(Source): Credit to Zaethus on Reddit.

Better.





I believe YOU were the one who tortured my elder sister?



You smell… Vaguely familiar. Are you – well. I told Æthelflæd it was a terrible idea, but she insisted. And look how it turned out.

<sub>That was… That was his wife’s…

… This can’t be happening…</sub>

But kin though you may be, your connection to us is far too distant to matter. Stand aside, red one.

No! I – I mean… Please, if there’s anything we can give you…

There is no weregeld that will satisfy me, human. Stand aside, or you, too will –

Zamazenta!





…Ha!



(… Very well, child. But I require something of you first.)

Oh?

(The only way you can prevent me from killing the blue one is by taking me into your service, as many past heroes have done. I’ve fought alongside you. I believe you are worthy. But we have yet to face each other as rivals or adversaries.)





(Come, child… Gloria. Are you ready for your greatest battle yet?)





(Can your servants defeat me in battle, Gloria, a being more skilled in the art of combat than all of them put together?)



(Or will you be able to outwit me, to come up with some plan clever enough to defeat a being that has fought and won battles that lasted longer that you’ve been alive –)







Yes.


_{Still collecting suggestions for Zamazenta's nickname. Also, I can't believe the only screenshot I got of Zamazenta protecting Hop makes it look like she farted in his face so hard it blinded him .}