Part 1: Episode One: Reporting for Duty

It was another day at work for Sonny Bonds, local police officer and amorphous blue blob.

Making fun of a guy's resolution in the first sentence of the update? That's a low blow.

Sorry, Sonny. Anyway, let's get you to the station.




Time to get ready for the day.

OK, but I'm going to examine pointless background details first.


That's great. Can I get my keys and extender now?

You should grab your car keys for sure, but what the hell is a radio extender?

Let me show you.



So, it's a radio?

No. The radio is in your car. This just extends it. That's why they call it an extender.

... It's... not a radio? But you talk on it?

It's... it's okay. Let's just move on. I need to go get the rest of my things from the locker room.



Make sure you don't turn the wrong way once we get off the screen. I don't want to end up in the girls' locker room again.

I wasn't around for that one, Sonny. That was all you.



I'm going to say hi to some of my buddies.

In the locker room? Well, it's your dime, Sonny. Knock yourself out.





There is no way this is going to end well.

I don't know. Let's give him a chance.



Guys like you are the reason they call us pigs, Steve.



Pretty much the only date you're going to have this month, right? Time to get my gear.




Sonny, nobody has a locker this clean. I bet you sort your socks by color, too.

No way.

No?

Thickness first. Color second.

That's what she sa...

Do not complete that sentence. I have a gun.




No bullets in there, though, Sonny.

Of course not. Only an idiot leaves a loaded gun lying around.




There we go. The rest of my stuff is in that briefcase.




Why am I not surprised it has your name on it?



You could have just put this stuff in the locker, you know.

No. No, I could not.



Your... mommy and daddy.

Not one word about my parents.



There's nothing like the smell of a new, clean notebook.

I worry about you sometimes, Sonny.



Hey, now you can make quota!

You do know ticket quotas are a myth, right?

Thanks for screwing up my next three updates. I had a whole routine about quotas ready. You just hate it when I'm happy, don't you, Sonny?

Well, yes. But never mind that now. I have to get my briefing, and there's one last piece of gear to check.



I think you like that sound just a bit too much.

Mmmm. Cha-chink. I'm sorry, what did you say?

Nothing. Are you sure you have everything?



Looks like.

Hey, that guy has been in the stall an awful long time. Let's make sure he's okay.



What about the guy in the shower?



"It's free. Too bad you have to work, Sonny," says Fudley. "I'm 10-10. It's beer time for me."

Alright, if we're done messing around, let's get to the briefing before Dooley blows a gasket.




Oh, hey, the paper.

You're just going to go grab someone else's paper? Aren't you a police officer?

I am also an adventure game protagonist.

Touché.






Hey, they got my good side.

You don't have any sides, Sonny. You're two-dimensional.



We should do that, but let's see what everyone else on my shift has to say first.

Pointless one-line conversations? You bet!

Hey, Sonny! That story in this morning's paper sure made you look good.

Did you hear? The 'Greasy Spoon' quit giving half-price meals!

Ironically, the Greasy Spoon is the best restaurant in town.

Man! That aftershave is getting to me, Sweet Thing.



Dooley sure has been putting on the pressure for ticket activity.

I'd love to comment on that, but I'm mesmerized by your astounding moustache.

It's guys like you that make me want to retire.

Ouch, Sarge. Oh, right, I should be in my spot so he can start the meeting. Let's get over there.



Sergeant John Dooley briefs the 1300 shift, beginning with the latest hot sheet of stolen rides...

"Welcome back, men" says Sergeant John Dooley. "I hope you enjoyed the long weekend."

"Now, listen up," he barks. "We're looking for a black 1983 Cadillac, license number 'LOP1238,' VIN C03456218, reported stolen last week. Try hard to find it, so I can get that Malcolm Washington character off my back for a change."

Dooley continues, "Now, hear this: last night, three teenagers were arrested in three separate arrests, each for drunk driving. Two of the three were in possession of cocaine, and all three attend Jefferson High School. That should tell you something, boys and girls!"

"Well, that's it for today. Watch your butts, kids. We don't want Ol' Chief Whipplestick whining about our industrial injury stats going up again! Sonny Bonds, your call number will be 83-32."



Sonny... are you... taking notes on a five-minute meeting?

You want to try to remember "VIN C03456218" all day?

Point. Going to check in with everyone on the way out?

Naturally.

You're gonna havta hump to catch me, boy! I wrote so many tickets while you were off duty, I wore down two pencils and ran a pen clear out of ink!

It's sad that he thinks this is bragging.

Better write some tickets, if you want to keep Dooley off your back.

Why are so many people obsessed with tickets? You said quotas were a myth.

They are, but that doesn't mean they don't want us writing them. That's how they know we're doing our jobs.

You keep wearing that aftershave lotion and I'm going to jump you.

Note to self: buy stock in this aftershave company.

I had two arrests last night; it's a shame both of them wanted to go the hard way!

Now that the room's clear, let's go look at that row of mailboxes.



Sonny, I think you're a little too interested in Steve's pig...

I still have that gun.

Okay. You should check yours too, though.


Might as well just go rifling through the rest of them, too.


Or not.

I'm good with not.






Time to go out on patrol. Those tickets won't write themselves.

This is seriously what we're going to do in this game? Write traffic tickets?

That is my job.



I know, but what about this Death Angel thing? It's in the game's title and everything.

That's Narcotics. I'm on patrol duty.



Oh, well. Let's roll!

I can't believe you just said that. Nobody says that.


Next time on Police Quest: Traffic Patrol... of DOOM!

You can just stop talking anytime now.