Part 3: Theatre of Failure Part One: Endless Embarassment

(Damn it, Sonny, why do I have to wear this stupid wig?)

(We're supposed to look like the same person, and you lost the bet, Steve. Now stop breaking character. We're almost on.)

Welcome, cadets! We've gathered you all here to show you a little safety demonstration. So sit back and get comfortable. Don't think I don't see you trying to take a nap, Kowalski. This is important! People, including yourselves, could live or die on the basis of you remembering a few simple rules and you will cram them into your monkey skulls or you will wash out of this program so fast we'll be using you for the next six months to get our whites their brightest!

(...)

(Just chuckle politely. Here's our cue.)

And now, without further ado, let me introduce our presenters. This is Officer Gordon Orlando Rufus.

Hi, folks.

And here we have Officer Gabriel Louis Durant.

It's a pleasure.

These two men are going to run you through a few scenarios you might encounter on the job, and show you the right way to deal with those scenarios. You'll notice we've set up a few sets here in the auditorium for today's session.

(He's only saying that out loud so the OP doesn't have to draw a picture of it.)

(For Christ's sake, Steve, stop breaking the fourth wall.)

Officer Rufus will use these sets to demonstrate what not to do, while Officer Durant explains where he went wrong. I'm sure you'll all be pleased to know that this is a series of presentations; later on we'll send them out into the field to make some little home movies to show you all, and won't that be nice?

(Movies? I never agreed to movies.)

(They want to be able to re-use them for the next class. It's no big deal. Trust me!)

(You're not a good judge of when it's safe to get involved in this kind of thing, Bonds. Last time you said that to me, I ended up in a tree forty miles out of town covered in oatmeal with no pants on. I still have trouble hearing out of my right ear.)

Our first set should be familiar to all of you. Take it away, officers!



Our first lesson is on politeness to superior officers. Let's take a look inside Sergeant Dooley's office.



Maaaaybe. Briefings are boring anyway.



How do you get a desk like this, anyway? Looks like real... pine, I guess. But it's still nice.



Alright, alright, I'm going. What a grouch!

When your superiors say that they have an open door policy, that means that you can go to them when you have problems or concerns. It doesn't mean you can just open their door and wander around their offices! This isn't necessarily a fatal error, but it's a waste of everyone's time.

(Why is he calling me Sonny, Sonny?)

(You're supposed to be me. You're playing me, remember? We both are.)

(Wait, so I'm pretending to be a guy with a goofy name playing you, while you're pretending to be another guy with a goofy name playing yourself?)

(Look, you want to be on third shift for the next six months, you can tell him how stupid this is.)

(I hope I'm getting overtime for this.)

Now, you have to be especially careful when dealing with members of other departments.



Wow! That's an awesome map!



So, how about that game last night?



Got any interesting files in here?

When you're talking with them, you're not just making yourself look like an idiot, you're making all of us uniforms look like idiots. So keep it professional. Again, this may not be an insurmountable problem, but remember that you're at work and on the clock. Don't let this happen to you:



Why did I spend so much time bothering other cops? WHY?

(That's it! Go for that Oscar.)

Of course, instead of wasting time you might feel compelled to just get right out there. Get the city under your tires and stop crime! We've all been there.

Good idea! I'm going to just hop right in my patrol car.



Being too hasty is just as bad as being too slow. The briefings are important. They let you know what's going on and what you're supposed to be doing. And attending them keeps you from getting canned. So be sharp and be on time.

God, you're such a boy scout.



Now, after a hard day's work... or a hard day of whatever it is you do, Officer Rufus, it's a good idea to take a nice shower before changing.

(I don't think I like where this is going.)



God dammit!



Just remember - clothing is to be removed before you get in the shower, no matter how much of a hurry you're in.

(Jesus, I didn't think you'd really turn it on. How did you even get water into the pipes on-stage?)

(I don't know! I just turned the knob like Dooley told me to and next thing there was real water!)



Um, here you are, ready for a real shower, officer Rufus. Isn't that nicer?



It is kind of nice. Especially after getting out of that sopping wet uniform.



I think I'll go bug Dooley some more. Uh-oh! Who's that?



Remember, the station is not your locker room. You will be fully clothed whenever you are in a public area. The city does not want to get sued because of your inability to remember basic things like where your pants are.

(They were never found, Sonny. What was in those drinks? And why oatmeal? And why did I have the phone number of a box factory in Belgium in my pocket the next morning?)

(How should I know? You're the one who left with those twins.)

Well, Officer Rufus, we have one more demonstration for the students.

What do you mean? I thought the shower scene was it for today.

Not quite! Hold still.



OH MY GOD

I know the stress can get to you sometimes.

Sometimes the pain inside builds up until you can't even stand it!

...right. But acting out in a public place is not the right way to solve your problem. The department has counselors for just this kind of situation. You should speak with the Sergeant if you need contact information.

Do it before you are driven to acts of beautiful madness! Because afterward it will be too late, and nobody will help you.

...yes, sir. And that's our presentation for today, cadets. Come on, Officer Rufus. Let's find you some pants.



(I'm going to get you for this, Bonds.)

(Just play along and maybe he won't do that again next time.)