Part 7: Theatre of Failure Part Three: Obviously Bad Ideas

Welcome once again, cadets! We all know why we're here, so let's get right to the movie. The projector, please, Officer Durant.

Yes, sir.

(Sir, you never did tell me how they were going to make it look like I was talking to myself.)

(They just spliced in some archival footage from one of the fifty-seven times you were in here in the last month.)

(There were... cameras there?)

(There are always cameras watching you, Officer Rufus. Always.)



Oh, boy, I want that sweet, sweet coffee! No time to take very obvious safety precautions!



While we're in here, it's worth noting that keeping homicide detectives hanging around on the phone is a good way to annoy them.

Hamilton is pretty patient and will probably just wait around for as long as you need anyway, though. He's a good guy.

Yeah, but it's still just rude.



Uh-oh!

Even if you're just stepping in somewhere for a second, your patrol car is a very desirable target - for bragging rights, if nothing else. It doesn't belong to you, but you should treat it as if it did. Lock it up and stay safe.




That'll show those punk kids. Now that I have my car back, time to relax and unwind a bit.



Well, I can't read the labels on those beers, and I'm in the mood for a party, so set me up with a bottle of your finest and/or cheapest red wine.



So, apart from ordering a bottle of wine by himself without any food, what is Officer Rufus doing wrong here?



That's right. Even one or two quick drinks might slow you down just enough. When police get sloppy, you're not going to be the only ones paying the price.

YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER, MAN



Yeah. Gonna get my patrol on. Bussht up some guys. Ha.



(You weren't supposed to drink the whole damn bottle.)

(After what happened the last two times we did these presentations, I figured I owed it to myself.)



OH YEAH TRAFFIC PATROL! Let's shee who's hiding out up here...



OH GOD NO



Are you okay in there, Officer Rufus?

IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO BAD!

So, apart from not driving under the influence, the other lesson here is: learn how to navigate your city. You don't want to stumble on some street you've never even heard of at the wrong moment.

WHY? WHY RIGHT ON THE EDGE OF THE SCREEN?

OK, well, it looks like you're pretty messed up there. Let's see if we have any orange smoke left...

(What?)

(It's an obscure reference. Don't worry about it.)

(Who's breaking the fourth wall now?)



Here you go, back on your patrol safe and sound. And what's that?

Eh, it's just a red light.



I guess I could chase it, but... well, I'll take my time.



Oh, well! Red light!

Officer Rufus!

You got me on that red light thing before. I'm not falling for it again. I'll just go look foe a slower car to catch.



...again? Really? Now that's just asking for it. I GUESS I'll turn on my siren.



Making me get out of my car, walk all the way over there... gonna give this one a piece
of my mind...



uhhhhhhhhh



NO YOU DID NOT MISS AND I HAVE SOME THINGS I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF NOW BACK IN MY ROOM




OK, let's get back and try that again in a less disturbing way.



Oh, you bet there is.



How about you and me get together sometime for drinks and nudity?



HOT DAMN I mean sure, okay.



Who's the man? I am going to suggest that, in fact, I am the man.




Too bad the phone at my place is out. Well, let's get this party started...




Helen! This is your new friend from earlier today. I'm from the FBI... the Fine Body Investigators. I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.






Do I honestly need to explain what went wrong here? I do not. I think we're done for today.