Part 23: Theatre of Failure Part Eleven: Sonny is Bad at Poker
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... ... ... ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That's right. Laugh it up. What the hell, Sonny? Morgan decided this last movie was the perfect excuse to get me back into this stupid outfit. And he made you dye your hair again? Isn't Marie upset about this? ...no. No? ...she likes it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Alright, alright, let's just... get ready or something. Wait, do I have to wear a stupid outfit too? No, it turns out Morgan wants me to play the bad cop this time. Says it'll do us both good to stretch ourselves for our roles. I don't know if I can handle all this pressure. Hope there's time for a quick ci-
Ah, there you both are. Come on, time to get ready! Let's just do this and get it over with. It's all been recorded now, so you just have to talk over it while we play the movie for the cadets. Here, take your script....
Good evening, cadets! Tonight will be the end of our training program. Oh, don't worry. I'm sure we'll think of other ways to teach you about police procedure, even if they aren't quite as fun. Tonight's scenario deals with undercover work. And without further ado, take it away, Officer Durant!
So here's Officer B... Rufus infiltrating the enemy lair.
Look how stealthy he is! I bet that doorman had no idea who he was. Just stick to the script, please.
Marie? You're here too?
Wouldn't have missed it, Precious.
Having someone on the inside can help you make contact. You have to be careful, though, because that person's life is now at risk as well if you flub it up.
Woody, too? Is this part of your community service, Woody? Don't bother him. He's trying to stay in character.
I don't know about exciting. I'm not real thrilled about having a permanent record made of me looking like this. I don't know, Precious. White is a good color for you. Just like a hero in an old western! I think if any character in a western had dressed like this, tarring and feathering would have been the least of his worries. Oh, don't be a grump. It's time for the next scene, anyway.
Sometimes you will need to bribe informants or other underworld contacts to keep your cover or get information you couldn't have access to otherwise.
Look, Woody! It's an authentic pimp cane! Haven't you always wanted to own one of these?
Careful what you offer, though. And especially make sure that nobody gets a look at anything that could tie you to the police force. 
Better not to even have anything like that on you, but if you do, don't just hand it over to someone like a dumbass.
The script! Stick to the script!
I forgot to arrange for a room to pretend to sleep with Marie in. How silly of me! I should go take care of that now.
Hello, my good man! Let's get on with additional bribery!
Common rookie mistake. Just because it isn't your money doesn't mean you start handing it out left and right.
Although nobody will object if you order yourself an extra pizza or something. ... Uh, I mean, that would be irresponsible.
Of course you won't! It's money! Free money you just gave away!
I will make sure to do that. Oh! But what will I do now! I have no money left for other bribes!!
You only have a certain amount of money to complete your mission with. Make sure you spend it only when it makes sense to do so. Dumbass. Alright, next scenario. You've wormed your way into an illegal gambling operation and you're trying to bluff your way through a card game. Let's see how that goes, shall we?
Oh, boy! Poker! My favorite!
This is a good hand. It deserves a high bet.
My god, man, what are you on? I mean, there's a straight draw, but...
I am an excellent bluffer. Everyone else is sure to fold if I don't take any cards.
You are out of your mind!
Not like anybody could have predicted that. It is all part of the strategy. Let's try some more.
I am an excellent poker player. I am excellent at playing poker.
Tonight is a good night.
That was pretty weak, Sonny. Rufus. Fine. That was pretty "Rufus", Sonny.
The lesson is, get your dumb ass some poker lessons. No, the lesson is: don't pretend you can do something you can't really do. Your undercover operation is not going to last very long if you can't at least pretend to be good at whatever your cover identity is supposed to be good at. You never know when you'll be challenged on it. Anyway, next up: the bad guy asks you to join him. What do you say? No, of course.
Yeah, that doesn't go so well, does it? Here's the thing: once you're in, it's a bit too late to chicken out. You already knew you were going into the shitter before you walked in the door. Might as well dive all the way to the bottom of that thing. How poetic of you.
So now you're off with your new buddy for a private meeting.
And he's going to make you climb the stairs! Hope you've been doing your workouts. 
This is... surprisingly difficult. Maybe if I wiggle my foot this way... Or that way?
A little progress. What in the heck am I getting stuck on?
OK, this is getting a little frustrating here. I keep having to try each step about six times to get onto it.
IT KEEPS HAPPENING
That's it. I'm going to take the elevator.
Don't lose sight of your man. Or make him think you're some kind of wimp because you can't climb a flight of stairs. Go to the gym sometimes and maybe don't be such a complete idiot that you can't figure out which foot to put on top of which.
So you're finally at the bad guy's room and he's conveniently left you alone for a few seconds. What now? I charge right in like a complete lunatic, of course.
Might as well make a drink while I wait for him to incriminate himself and accidentally give me his gun.
Wait! This is not part of the plan!
So what did you do wrong here? Well, I should have radioed for backup instead of trying to take him on by myself. And I should have been ready for him to try something like that. I guess all that, yeah, but look. You got fake blood on that hat. Do you know how hard it is to clean that shit off of white felt? That's a nice hat, man! Let's just do the last one so we can get this over with. Alright. So you charge in, and then...
Eh, I'm sure it'll be fine. Dumbass.
Your backup is a bunch of human beings. It takes them time to get places. What if they have to stop for a smoke? What then? You should give them a lot of time to catch up to you.
At least I got the bad guy that time. It's no good if your dumb ass doesn't come home after. And that's all! I hope you have all found this as instructive as I have. Detectives Bonds and Robinson will be available to answer your questions in the briefing room. I just know he's going to dress me up like this again as soon as he can. Hey, man, there's always openings in Homicide... You know, I might just think about that.