Part 2: .5

Chapter 2: Men's Room Cuisine


Always was a fan of lazy guards. Anyway, I see that fountain, I bet if I stole it I could make a fortune from people tossing coins in for wishes. Percy, steal the fountain.

Haw, good one boss. What, I suppose you'll order me to it next?

... so that's how it's going to be smartass? Yes, you're going to that fucking fountain.

But...

DO IT.

I watch with some degree of elation as Percy breaks his hand on the fountain.


... and the force of the blow dislodges a coin that was stuck in the spout from someone with bad aim. Awesome. Awesome to the max.

Oh, right, there's someone watching me. Looks like a sad garlic clown or something.

Hey, you there! An old scholar lives on the side of the mountain. Go talk to him.

... do... do you tell this to everyone who passes by?

Hey, no more free info! Get me a cup of coffee.

I'm... what? Oh for fuck's sake, I can't advance unless I do this, right?

The ways of this world are mysterious, son.

Die in a fire.


I can't believe I'm already stuck doing petty errands.


Cof shop... hmm. I'll have to make note of that Ant Shop later, it'd be pretty badass to have a horde of deadly fire ants at my disposal. Or maybe elks. Nobody expects elks!


Entering the cof shop results in me being face to face with a withered up old plum. I try to offer her a gold piece for some coffee, but she doesn't accept it. MY MONEY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU BITCH?!




... why does it never work?!
Anyway, she accepts my ill-gotten wishing fountain money for the coffee, and then goes on to inform me that they have no donuts, since the Farmies closed their donut shop. It's okay though, wheat and wheat byproducts aren't sentient so abusing them is perfectly fine!

I was annoyed by her bigotry. Mrs. Plum was later found dead in the kitchen by a candlestick.

So I've got the coffee. Let's see what that jackoff has to say for himself now.


...

...

Percy, get my gun.

But boss you don't HAVE a -

GET ONE.

Yes boss.


I wonder if I can get some nice soldier ants for cheap to sic on this guy.


... Oh, it's an antique shop. I the pear for his shameless false advertising. Then I realize he may have an antique gun or something. Always was a fan of the old Brownings.

The Minister kidnaped Princess Tomato! We must save her!

What's this "we" business? Anyway, learn to spell kidnapped and I might help.

Can I ask a favor of you? Take this letter to Miss Peachy. It's very important.

That's it. You're going in a pie.


God damn.

She shows her gratitude by offering me a sandwich, which I gladly . However, upon noticing the prices on her wall, I get sickened by the extortion racket she's running. The prices disgusted me so much that I her right in the ovaries.


This sounds suspiciously like a moneychanging scheme to rip me off. At any rate, I've got coins now. I look at his wares, but he has nothing worth buying except the cat statue, which I can't even buy because Percy can't carry it due to me breaking his hand. Whoops.


Octoberry! His parents must have either been really stupid or had a sense of the ironic because he has nowhere near 8 of anything. I'm banking on the former, and aiming to punish their idiocy by proxy I mug Octoberry. It's okay because the King chose me to save his land, absolving me of any an all crimes I commit in the process. Right?

No.

I wasn't asking you. Anyway, Octoberry dropped a coin in the process, which I gladly .


The garlic jackass informed me that the cabaret might have donuts. Entering isn't even free - there's a one coin cover charge. I hand the doorman the coin I just got, which is still covered in Octoberry juice.


As long as I'm in a bar, I might as well on the hostess. Percy informs me that I'll regret it, so maybe he knows something I don't. Maybe it's actually a man?

Reasoning that bars are an excellent place to pick up information, I do some eavesdropping on two warbling chattybitches named Miss Apricot and Miss Lemon.

Wanderers become talkative when they drink coffee.

_{(But... that's whiskey and cigarettes on the table?)}

You're Resistance members?
This place isn't safe.
But you don't have the Crest of the Resistance!

_{(Why do I get the feeling I'm about to get wrapped up in something I don't want to be wrapped up in... like a taco. Or something.)}

It's not as peaceful as it used to be.
But everybody adores Resistance members here!

These bitches are talking crazy. I think it's time to talk to the banana boy off in the corner.

Hey guys, I want you to meet someone. He's in the restroom.

... OH GOD.


I figure that tipping us off about a man that may very well want to sodomize us is worthy of compensation. Reluctantly I head to the restroom...


... only to find it completely empty. This doesn't bode well for my butt at all.


Digging around for some clues, I manage to find a donut in the trashcan. A donut from the men's room trash can may be the most unsanitary thing next to Rosie O'Donnel, but I took it anyway. Hell, screw shooting the garlic panhandling dude - watching him eat a piss-laden donut and die from some kind of horrible infection would be far more hilarious than anything else I could do to him.

Feeling dirty, I try to wash my hands with the bar of soap, only to have it slip out of my hands. I haven't found my mystery rapist yet, so I'm not bending over to pick it up since I value my anal virginity. Instead I opt to slowly back out of the room.


Back in the park, the wanderer is gone. DAMNIT. Some kid and his dad are here. The kid's crying, which has always gotten on my nerves, so I try to him to shut him up. Doesn't seem to work.

Maybe he's hungry?

... hmm. I gave him the sandwich, which seemed to perk him right up. He then directed me to his father, who had taken the wanderer's place on the bench.


What the christing balls is that?

A soursop, you ninny.

SHUTUPPA YOU FACE.

Once, I was the Minister here until the Farmies occupied our land. Then I became a Wanderer. I feel so miserable! We are building a secret resistance base in the Parsley Forest.

I don't care about your Resistance, mainly because I don't need you. Every resistance in any game EVER has been composed of retards and hangers-on that rely on the sole, single competent person in the operation to actually succeed. I'm not going to be your linchpin.

But you can't advance unless you go.

Balls.


Heading off towards the mountains, I'm accosted by a senile piece of corn. He eventually starts rambling about the Resistance General having a headache and that he needs aspirin from the pharmacy near the cabaret. Grandpa's probably taking his crazy pills again, so I do him a favor and him until he's out like a light. Still...


I REALLY can't believe I'm doing this.


Get that smug look off your face, not all of us had rich parents to send us to med school. Hey, now that I've got all the aspirin...



Bam, bitch. Headache, what you gonna do about it?!


Can't say no to cauliflower.

Thanks mister! By the way, the bookstore is a staging ground for the resistance.

... WHAT.

What?

What?

... this is the worst rebel faction ever. Here's a hint: A RESISTANCE DOESN'T WORK WHEN YOU TELL EVERYONE.


Oh god what the fuck is that. The bookstore owner looks like he met the business end of a thresher. EAT FIST YOU ABOMINATION.




Ahahahaha. Holy shit it actually worked. He ran screaming like a bitch, leaving the register completely unguarded!


Sales must be pretty pitiful because I only managed to steal one coin from the register. However, I also managed to find a key of some sort. Must be something important to the Resistance, so I pocket it. Anyway it's time to blow this popsi-.

Boss, the Farmies are here!

CURSE MY RAMPANT KLEPTOMANIA AND HEDONISM FOR SLOWING ME DOWN.


Those BASTARDS, I stole that stuff fair and square!

Thus concludes chapter 2. What will our jailbirds sing about next time? You'll just have to wait and see.