Part 4

Chapter 4: Bad Trips and Local Customs


We're back in this shithole again. Farmies are scrambling back there on the trail looking for our sorry hides. Still, I take some spinach. It's good for me, apparently isn't sentient for some reason and I may be able to pull a Popeye down the road.


Why are we back here boss?

Well Percy, if you weren't such a goddamn BUTTERFINGERS and could hold on to a cup of water for more than five minutes maybe I wouldn't have to keep refilling it.

So suddenly this is all MY fault? I don't see you volunteering to carry the water.

Don't change the subject.

I heard the fern birds rustling again... last time it led to marvelous riches. Let's see what my personal collection agency brought me this time!


Huh... well, as long as it burdens Percy it's alright with me.

You could carry SOMETHING you lazy bitch! I'm... feeling kinda woozy right now and could use the help.

That's not part of the contract bucko.

WHAT contract?

The one I forged in your na-hey let's not split hairs here. Let's go, I don't think there's much else here.

I tried to stealthily stash away one of the baby birds but Percy noticed and slapped it out of my hand. Now I don't get to use my patented "bird in the hand" defense.


Oh hey, 'sup statue? I see you like your flower. Not that anyone would see, nobody comes to visit you.

That's because it's a useless piece of junk. Can't even steal it.

I stared at him with a look of bewildered puzzlement because he gave voice to the thought I didn't say following my previous sentence.

_{(Pray to me...)}

Did you just hear something?

_{(Pray to me... right now...)}

Dude I know I'm hearing something... something about praying.

Percy, you're a little young to be going senile.

Apple statue, is that you? Holy shit you can talk. What did you want?

_{(Someone finally acknowledged me... they said the old religions were dead... as thanks for your kindness, I offer this advice. Saladron is an emo goth faggot and is afraid of scissors because he constantly cuts himself.)}

Whoa... did you hear that boss? Something about a guy named Saladron. Hates scissors. Hehe, scissors. Sciss sciss sciss! Woooooo! That's a funny word.

... right. Whatever man, I'm not here to harsh your buzz.

Whatever the hell Percy got into back in the jail, he's high as a kite right now and is doing some retarded plane motion with his arms and making engine noises and mumbling something about some Saladron. Probably stashed away part of that shroom guy.


With the poster child for the war on drugs hot on my tail, I decided to visit the melon patch again to see what I could come up with. Only one left was Wat Mel, who was severely dried up. Upon sprinkling water on him he informed me that the others had been harvested already and that he was left behind on the grounds that he was too ugly and withered. I had to wonder whether or not the farmies actually LOOKED at that hondew melon.

Percy, stick your head in that hole, I want to see if it leads anywhere.

Dude it's the rabbit hole... time to follow Alice!

... what.

I the kid to try to knock some sense into it but he only collapses in a giggling heap.


Interesting if true! Hey Percy put down the fucking umbrella, you'll put an eye


... out?

OH MY GOD WHACKAMOLE

I've never seen such a furious barrage of attacks come from a man wielding an umbrella. An UMBRELLA for fuck's sake. However, Percy's aim sucks so almost all of them missed. Eventually he tired himself out and once again found himself making quality time with a nearby patch of dirt.

As much as that hurt... thanks! I needed the shade. I hate sunshine, it's so hot out here!

Uhh... any time, I guess?

MOLEY MOLEY MOOOOOOLE!

Percy, being the dumbfuck he is, started flailing around. Guess he didn't know which way was up at this point. He also started spilling items, most notably the water. AGAIN. Fortunately the mole got some of it and was quite pleased.

Thanks, I was thirsty! Listen... in the Parsley Forest there's a monster called Saladron. He's protecting a treasure, the Yam Medallion. This is the left half of some instructions I found near a big tree. I'm sorry but I couldn't find the other half. Go see the forest guard. Watermelon can help you.

Pretty sure the dude's name is Wat Mel, but that's the most useful advice anyone has given me yet. See ya later dude, sorry 'bout all the whackin'. Get the fuck up Percy.

I tried to talk to Wat Mel, but he was still a bit dried up, so I tried to find the Parsley Forest myself.


BEEP BEEP FATAL ERROR IN MODULE SEVEN B. PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE.

Percy you useless piece of shit, stop tripping balls.

Useless Bullshit Knowledge class taught us to give water to freaks like him so they don't die, so I hauled him to the lake to make sure he got plenty. I wasn't going to get blamed for this, this is embarrassing. I also opted to carry the water myself this time so that I could help...

... Wat Mel. Quite the good tip there. Percy we're making like Autobots and rolling out.

Oh god I'm coming down!


After spending some time resting, Percy seemed to have regained his senses somewhat. Good thing too because I'm not sticking my neck out to see if anyone is home. , hop to it.

Do I have to? My head is killing me.

That won't be the only thing killing you.


Huh, must be the forest guard. A leek, huh? Wait, where have I seen...



... PICKLES ON AN ASS SANDWICH I CAN'T GET THE MUSIC OUT OF MY BRAIN

And he said I was the one having a bad trip...

You shut your face, you have no idea what I've been through!

Uhh, if you two gents are done being stupid, I'd like to warn you that across the river, there are many Farmies. Wait, is that my umbrella?

Percy, hand it over.

Well there goes a hearty afternoon of whackamole I had planned.

Oh, my umbrella! Take these Water Wings as thanks.


I can swim and Percy can't. On the other hand I don't want to get wet...

Oh come on, let me use the wings, please?

No deal.

That's bullshit. You're just gonna let me drown?

I'm not gonna lie - the thought HAD crossed my mind. Still, I bet we can come to some sort of arrangement.

I'm not going to like this, am I...

With only one pair of Water Wings, I forced Percy to heft me up on his back. Riding my new winged stallion across the river was a breeze... for me. Percy seemed rather taxed, with all manner of groaning and panting.

Suck it up pansy, you'll never get anywhere in life when oh my god what the fuck is that!


I tried to strike a furious blow and him...

... but it did no good. Then I threw Percy at him but that didn't seem to alleviate matters either.

Well, I'm all out of ideas. Time to pack it in, we had a good run.

Wait, boss, I can handle this.

That was the general idea because I'm going to be running far into the hills while you deal with him.

No... it is time to use an ancient technique passed down for centuries by my people. I must for justice!



Holy shit.


And it was over in an instant... I'm... I'm not even sure what Percy DID. All I managed to glimpse was Percy flashing the victory sign with one hand and pointing to his genitals with the other, as is the customary local way of informing your victim that he can "suck it."

VICTOLY

I... what? I... I'm speechless. For the first time in twenty minutes.

Percy was strutting around like a goddamn gamecock after slicing open its opponent's gullet.

I... uhh... nevermind. Percy we're going into the forest.

You're never going to let me relish a victory are you?

I'll turn YOU into relish.

That doesn't even make sense, persimmons aren't even PART of






Dragging Percy's unconscious body behind me, I dive right into the heart of Parsley Forest. It's creepy, and it's easy to get lost.


... which naturally means travellers lost their money in here! Woop woop! Unfortunately I'm lost as fuck.

Several hours later, I find...

A compass! Makes getting around so much easier, it's ridiculous.


What are we, the highway litter patrol? Oh well, I'll stash it anyway. Stupider things have been useful before.

I would end up finding more gold, but the prize catch was a shovel. Oh yes, a shovel. Looking down at Percy's bloodied head, I realized he's been through a lot today. Why, the only proper... nay, CIVILIZED way to reward him would be to give him a proper burial. Here in the forest. With no witnesses.

... nngh... my head feels like a thousand horses being processed into glue. Hey boss, what's with the shovel?

_{Better think of a lie fast!}

... think of a lie?

FUCK DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?!

... well, whatever the fuck you WERE planning on, we can probably use that shovel to beat the hell out of Saladron or whoever the fuck it is in this forest. Let's go.

Oh HELL no, you did NOT just give me orders. ... then again I guess we need to go. BUT DON'T THINK OF THIS AS A VICTORY.


Ye gods, it's the Deku Tree's evil twin.

There are some legends among my people about the natives here. They revere the land and live inside trees. You know that tin can? I bet if we throw it in there like it's trash it'll upset one of them.

Like that commercial with the crying Indian?

What?

Let's just assume I make things up sometimes.



Dude, I know we were jerks but flipping us off isn't necessary.

I try to him, but it's getting me nowhere. Uhh... Percy, do that thing you do. Now.

It's time to D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!

Come on and me you caesar salad sissy!


I actually got a good look at it this time. Some sort of bizarre contest... seems like they either end up palms flat, palms in a fist, or fingers in a V sign. I'm not sure what these ancient symbols mean...


... but it's a heated battle. I dare not interfere lest Percy go into a berserker rage.


Boss, he's too powerful! You've got to help!

Look you ruddy little brat, you picked this fight and you're going to see through it like a man.

_{(Brave persimmon warrior... can you hear me?)}

... the apple statue?

Oh great, kid's gone off his rocker again.

_{(Persimmon... you must harness the power of the scissors... Saladron has been seduced by the dark power of paper, and must be shown the true path of scissor. Afterwards, you must point in the direction he faces. You must shame him thoroughly with his failure.)}

I ... I think I get it!

_{(With my guidance you shall go far in this world.)}


Holy balls the kid is doing it.


What comes in twos, are huge, and are gonna be sucked on by you? MY BALLS. GET TO IT BITCH.


There are no words.

Hah! Saladron wasn't so dangerous.

Well... he's dead. You know what that means.

Lootin' time?

You'd better believe it!


We finally came face to face with the horrible truth - Saladron derived his powers from Satan himself. If Percy was capable of defeating THAT...

Hey boss, there's some weird mound of freshly dug earth over here.

... a body?
... a body?

Only one way to find out. Maybe we can steal his wedding ring. You know what to do.

I forced him to the shovel to dig while I ed the surroundings. Supposedly the shrine was to King Yam II, but I knew better.

Hey boss, I found something!


AHAHAHA I'M RICH!

You mean we're rich. Right?

Hand me the shovel for a little bit, I have some... business to attend to.

If you were planning on killing me with it and burying the corpse here, the shovel broke when I struck the box the medallion was in.

FUCKSTICKS!

Hey, you guys in there? I thought I heard some noise!

... the forest guard. Just what I needed.


Take this bottle of grape juice.

Uhh... okay.


I will have revenge on you if it's the last thing I do.

That just kept going, didn't it? Anyway, chapter 4 is dead and buried. What horrors lie in the Resistance base? What laws of genetics will go completely raped and murdered by the discoveries therein? Keep an eye on this spot to find out!