Part 5

Chapter 5: Genetics do not work that way!


What a dump. I wasn't expecting MUCH, but... ugh. Percy, go steal a box. Maybe we can make like Solid Snake.

But they invited us here, it'd be pointless.

You really don't know how to do things with style, kid.


Grape decor lighting. How deliciously tacky.

Boss, these doors are locked so we can't loot yet.

... I don't even know what I pay you for.

You DON'T pay me.

Precisely.

That doesn't even make sense.

To your feeble mind, maybe.


The door at the end of the hallway was where the party was, apparently.

Hey, boss. We're under the mistlegrape. Pucker up.

... who trained you to be gay?! Seriously though, subtlety isn't one of our strong points. Percy, break the door down.


Guards! ting them did nothing except anger them, as they're trained professionals. Shazbot. Percy! Stop ing out the guards!

Percy had a dejected look on his face as one of the guards told Percy to keep his hands to himself. I really think that shroom overdose broke his mind.

So guys... uhh, best friends forever? Uhh...

I hurriedly rummaged through our item satchel to find something to either placate them, or show them that we were badasses, not to be trifled with. Either way.


Ahh, Saladron's Yam Medallion. Realizing that I managed to singlehandedly wipe out the terror of Parsley Forest, they decided to show reverence to me. Yes, it was all my doing. The furor that accompanied the revealing of the medallion attracted some attention, though.


BACK OFF I SAW HER FIRST.

It's Lisa! Wait, where have I heard that name before...

I tried to her to drag her off to somewhere more... comfortable, but Percy stopped me at the last second.

Welcome! You're planning to rescue Princess Tomato? She's my sister!

...
...

... Percy. Do... do you want to tell her?

Oh hell no, I'm not explaining this to her.

Well neither am I!

I know... we can settle this with a game of rock-paper-scissors. Heh heh heh.

I'm not falling for your sadistic tricks.

Uhh, okay... the general has a severe headache. Can you help us?

Well, I suppose I CAN, sweetcakes. What do you say I help you... over dinner?

Stop trying to score and give her the damn aspirin.


Took long enough to find a use for this. Percy, you'd better thank your lucky stars you didn't drop this.

I'll take this to him now. Please come back later.


Man, Princess Tomato's sister. How does that even work? Her father was broccoli and her mother was an endive.

I haven't had much schoolin' yet, but we did learn about Punnett Squares once.

I've heard of those. Something about probabilities of recessive traits?

Yeah, but... I can't figure it out.

I watched Percy sketch away on a piece of paper he found. Kid has some talent, I suppose.

This is the best I could do...



In the end, we didn't get much farther in figuring this mystery out, but we'd been out here long enough. Lisa's probably ready for her lesson in cucumber cuddlin'.

What makes you think she'd even want you?

Oh come on, look at me. I'm the perfect shape, if you know what I mean.

Sorry, I don't follow.

You'll understand when you're older.

As we walked near the door, Percy tripped over some of the garbage boxes. That fucking klutz.

Wait a second... something in the trash caught my eye. Well, two things - one was the filthy banana peel lodged in Percy's mouth. The other, however, was quite shiny. I ed the object and found out it as a pendant.

Awesome, women love jewelry. I'll be inside that vagina faster than a fat man at a buffet.


But baby I'd much rather hear it from you!


Now I know what Beavis and Butthead must feel like. I take out my frustration by ting him, to which he responds by clocking Percy. I like this guy already.

Indiscretions aside, thanks for the aspirin. Please help us save the Princess.

Look, I don't even know why I'm here. I'm not HELPING you do anything, because that implies that we actually need each other. We don't. All of you suck and failing all else I have a batshit insane persimmon that somehow got super powers.

Be that as it may, you still need to know where to go. Minister Pumpkin's castle is in Sopville. But if you are seen in Sopville you will be recognized. I present to you the Crest of the Resistance.

So... you're sending me into the enemy territory. When you realize that I'm going to be busted, you give me something that makes me even MORE recognizable as a foe?

I got to the top of this organization by hard work, not brains.

I see this insurrection is in FANTASTIC hands.

I've had enough of this. It's time to make happy sexy funtime with Lisa.


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww yeah.


Just look at that come-hither stare, she totally wants me. Hey Percy get away from that mirror...

Hey boss, how do I look with lipstick?
[ed: Seriously. ]

WHAT?!

Oh sorry boss, I saw some lipstick over here that I liked so I decided to try it on.

Okay, that's the last straw. I did NOT raise you to be a fag, young man!

But boss sometimes I just like to look pretty!

I leapt straight at Percy, delivering a body-check of epic proportions. Percy's limp torso slammed hard into the desk, knocking everything off it. Of particular note was a picture that was shaken loose from the mirror...


Oh, I get it. THIS is what she's into. I guess I'll just have to convert her to veggies.

What the hell are you two doing?!

Impressing you with my raw display of testosterone, of course. Now lay back on that bed, I've got something I need to "show" you. Heh.

This better involve keeping your pants on or I'm calling the cops.

I... uhh, crap. Plan B. Oh, right, the pendant!

... oh. Aww, you're so sweet. My pendant! Thank you!

In like FLYNN.

Have you heard of the Dice-o-matic?

Is it erotic in any way?

Only if you're in to S&M. It's the most powerful weapon in the land.

Realizing that I wasn't going to get to nail her (yet!) I picked Percy up off the floor and hauled him back outside.


Sweet mother of ugly sticks! Percy, rough this guy up.

Percy beat the guy to a juicy pulp, but he still blocked the door.

Guy says he's thirsty.

And you dropped the water again, didn't you?

I HAVE ISSUES, OKAY?!

Hmm. Wait a second...

You know, we do have grape juice...

Percy... that's sick, even for me. I may have fed a guy a piss donut but I draw the line at forced cannibalism.

Well, I'm going to give it to him anyway, it's the only way to shut him up.


... the sick bastard liked it and offered me Clover Juice as thanks. I didn't have the heart to tell him what it was that he drank. For the first time in this adventure I genuinely pitied someone, even if he was a horrible, cancerous blight on this land.

By the way, you just drank your dad. Have fun at the next family reunion.

...


I told Grapy to get out of the way. What you did was really hardcore, that was awesome.

... yes, it was my idea. Percy get out.

But boss!

NOW!



After an hour of railing the everloving shit out of Lisa...

That slut, zero shame whatsoever. I love that.


This is officially the best day ever. Percy, suit up, we've got a war machine to build.

Well, this cannon is particularly heavy... I can't lift it. And this machine gun has no ammo.

But we're taking them anyway.

Fuck you, I'm carrying 7 million things already.

And you drop half of them every 30 minutes! Okay, okay, take the sword at least. It's pretty light.

Swords are useless.

Percy. The gay thing, maybe I could get over that. The cannibalism? Worst thing I've seen in my life, but I can at least appreciate that level of evil. But calling swords useless? NO. Under no circumstances will I sit here and allow you to talk about swords that way!

Why don't we just take this bomb?

And risk blowing ourselves up when we have three viable alternatives.

ALLAH ACKBAR... what? Don't look at me like that I was only kidding.

Sometimes I wonder.

A voice rang down the hall telling us to get back to the meeting room.


He also informed me of someone named Bananda, but it's probably not important. I'm reasonably well-armed, so I'm sure I can take him.


I wanted to haul Lisa along as my personal sex slave, but we were ushered out far too quickly for me to abscond with my love puppet.


Not even accidental this time!

Chapter 5 is completed, and we're well over halfway through the game already. Yes, it gets even worse from here.