Part 6

Chapter 6: Mazucchini Go!


The Carrot Plateau, home of the peanut village just a short jaunt away. However, a memorial on the roadside caught my attention.

It's a memorial, says he's a martyr for the Resistance.

By the looks of things, the moron drank himself to death. All these empties... Percy, pick them up, we can probably recycle them for some pocket change.

But they say "no deposit."

Well... damn. Okay, dig the corpse up and see if they left anything valuable on him.

Our shovel broke.

You have hands, don't you?

Which you also broke.

It's just one excuse after another with you, isn't it!? Want me to break something else?

I took one of the bottles and smashed him over the face with it, then used the half-broken remainder to slash his torso a couple of times.

WHY BOSS?!

BECAUSE YOU KEEP DROPPING THE FUCKING WATER. Ugh. If I'm gonna have to deal with you screaming I guess we'll get you some medical attention in the village. Pansy-pants.

Wait a second, a note was in that bottle... "There is a big tree on the other side of the Plateau. Around it is Chameleon Grass. With this grass you can turn into anything!" Hrmph. What a load of bullocks. We've had enough drug-induced adventures for one day.

ONWARD HO!


The hell is this?

It's... a village of peanuts.

But the HOUSES are peanuts. Look at the roofs.

Peanuts living inside peanuts? That's like a skinny woman killing a fat woman and living inside her.

What the hell, Percy. Didn't need that mental image.

Oh my poor baby, we'll never see her again!

Way to interrupt a conversation, jackass. Okay, I'll bite. What happened?

Our daughter was kidnaped by Bananda! Bananda could have eaten Nutty already!

Maybe if you weren't lazy, terrible parents who made homes out of other members of your own society, you wouldn't be punished for your hubris.

Hey boss, still bleeding to death.

FINE.


The Hudson Bee. I remember you from such classics as Adventure Island and Milon's Secret Castle!

You actually LIKED Milon's Secret Castle?

_{I just like bubbles and bonus bees okay}

The Hudson Bee means "bonus" in other games. Sorry, not this time boss.

You LIE. There's a coin on the ground behind the bee, see?!

Maybe you can use it to pay my medical expenses before I sue your ass.

Perhaps the statue has directions to the hospital on it? Read what it says.

I can't read it... maybe if I had a word book I could read it.

That's retarded. You're retarded, Percy.

But this woman says nobody here can read it!

They're probably a society of illiterate fucks. Why does this surprise you?

I hate you.

Likewise. Let's keep going.


I stumbled into the Carrot Hermit's house. Bastard got pushy with me so I him.


Note to self: Do not fuck with hermits. The bitch rolled us and deposited us back outside the town.


On the other side of the park was a convenience store. What kind of convenience store sells vases?

Hey boss, look! It's "Peachy Pete's Teaches Words!" CAN WE GET IT PLEASE I LOVE THIS BOOK.

I thought you said you couldn't read. How'd you read the title?

... I... uhh.

Caught you, motherfucker!

Perusing the other items, I made a horrible discovery. Peanuts.

They sell peanuts here. This... this shop is a front for a slavery ring.

So they're peanuts... living inside peanut corpses... dealing in peanut slaves?

Percy, the sooner we get out of here, the better. This village has a terrible secret and I'm not inclined to find it out before I burn it to the ground.

I'm not so sure peanuts are particularly flammable.

Bullshit Percy, EVERYTHING is flammable. If your target hasn't caught on fire then you just didn't use enough of it.

Sometimes I'm amazed at your wisdom.

I didn't want to stick around, the shopkeeper might get suspicious. Instead, I slapped down two coins and walked off with Percy's kiddy book and a live squid. Bastard carrot wanted food, and I am not letting him be picky.


I am going to get my money's worth, damnit.

"The white door will open... something something... can't understand this word... Pattern? Salad Kingdom? Something about a pattern."

Well fuck you sideways, that was money well spent.


I fed the hermit the squid and it backfired. One of these days I will successfully find a food these rubes DON'T like.

Oh, your little friend is pretty banged up, let me bandage him. Poor little guy. Get your little friend to ask the village chief for a lamp, that might cheer him up. Oh, and come back here after beating Bananda.

How the hell do you know about Bananda? And I don't recall ever AGREEING to fight him.

But boss, I want a lamp.

Fuck you.


I know I'm not going to get to go anywhere until I deal with this guy, so I decide to ask him where this Bananda fellow is.

Bananda's cave is near the Plateau. I'll reward you handsomely if you save my daughter.

How about you reward me now? Caves are dark as hell and we're gonna need a lantern. Plus, this Bananda sounds like some weird cave troll or something. It's gonna be hard to find him if we can't see.

Ugh, fine...


Bitchin'.


That's just perfect. Bet we'll never find-


WHAT. I take two steps and I'm already face to face with the horrible hydra banana.. thing. Percy! Defeat him with your violence!

It's no good boss! ting him does no good, he's too soft and slimy!

You know, if SOMEONE hadn't objected to carrying a sword we could just SLICE him to death.

We DO have the Nut Bomb.

Do you even think?! You'll cause a cave in! PERCY PUT THE BOMB DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU CAN'T


ALLAH NUTBAR!

There was a terrible, ghastly noise, as the twin sounds of a maelstrom of newly born fire and the screams of a horrible banana monster intertwined and echoed down the cave. Percy and I were both blown free of the blast radius, thankfully, though both of us came out worse for the wear. Much to my surprise, the cave stayed intact.


But that's more than we could say for Bananda. Oh... the humanity.

But he's clearly not human, so it wouldn't be humanity now would it?

I gagged at the sight of Bananda's innards, which were now adorning the walls of the cave in every direction.

I wonder if Bananda had anything valuable on him. I'm gonna loot this pile of skin.

Percy... Percy decided to pieces of skin from the floor. These weren't tiny, either. Massive peels the size of a cucumber strewn about in a sickeningly random manner. Percy happily stashed them in his satchel for purposes that I dare not even contemplate.

Hey boss, look who I found!


Oh dear god... it's Nutty. I couldn't even begin to imagine what must have been racing through her fragile mind. She must have been eaten by Bananda... to have her fleshy prison blown to pieces right in front of her eyes must have scarred her for life.

No... no Bananda... no Bananda NOOO YOU CAN'T DO THAT daddy where are you... daddy save me... Bananda don't oh god fire Bananda don't... aaaaaaaaaaaaarhgj daddy daddy daddy...

Poor girl just sat there staring vacantly and mumbling to herself. Completely catatonic.

I guess you could say she's a walking vegetable now. Ba-ZING!

Horrified at Percy's complete lack of tact, I him. Even I had limits of what I would tolerate and this was completely beyond them. Picking up the girl, I decided to head back to the village.


The village chief met me at the gate. Overjoyed at the sight of his daughter, his mood quickly waned when he learned exactly what had transpired, the realization that their baby girl would never be the same again dawning over them. They took her home, and solemnly thanked me for my efforts.


Bananda bananda bananda

You must defeat Minister Pumpkin next, so that this kind of atrocity may never happen again.

Nutty just kept rocking back and forth. There was no reaching the girl, she was in a place currently unassailable by any normal person. It would take years to undo the damage from that one fleeting moment.

bananda bananda bananda

The cave looked okay to me!

bananda bananda bananda

So this is what Percy had become. A heartless monster. And he did so under my tutelage. I would feel a sense of shame, but now I can beat on him and be on the side of justice again, so I guess it all works out.

Wait, battery for the Dice-o-matic? Why would we even want to start it? Lisa told us it was the most horrible weapon in the land. It's just going to maul us to death.

Maul you to death. I'll be conveniently very far away. But first, the hermit wanted us to see him after wasting Bananda...


Percy ed the skin in the hermit's house. Was he participating in some kind of backroom deal?

Did you get the OTHER item I asked for?

You bet.

I watched Percy him the Clover Juice, to which the carrot responded by handing over some medicine.

Don't waste it all in one place! Hehehehe...

... that's it, this village is going up in flames.


After thoroughly torching the entire village and forcing Percy to admit he was wrong about the fire, I decided it was time for more spelunking. If there's a super weapon in here I am going to claim it. For JUSTICE.


Bananda had quite the stockpile of ill-gotten riches, which I made my own. Stealing from evil is good, right?

Eh, both are fine choices.


The only thing that allowed me to keep my bearings and not get hopelessly lost was the compass I had found. All the walls looked exactly the same, making navigation otherwise impossible.


... it's a white door? Where have I heard that before...

There's some kind of indentation... a pattern, if you will.

Pattern.

Why, I bet this is the biggest mystery in the Salad Kingdom!

Salad Kingdom. Pattern. White door... wait... pattern OF the Salad Kingdom... the Yam Medallion!

I d the Yam Medallion, and the door opened. JOY OF JOYS!


The Dice-o-matic... is a giant robot. It's... it's so beautiful I want to cry.

You know, it needs a name boss.

I'm thinking "Mazucchini." Ever see that series? Old but classic.

Hey, there's a slot for the battery. Shall I use it?

Make it so, number one!

Percy inserted the battery, but nothing happened. I guess we have to turn it on.

HEY WHAT DOES THIS DO?!

Percy randomly started ting things, knocking one of the levers into a different position. Mazucchini started right up.


Percy, turn on the radio.

Yes boss!

~I don't know why, met you along my way
A Tokyo Monster with big heart and soul
Now I'm losing control

KICKIN' RAD.


Boss! Another Dice-o-matic straight ahead!

You know what to do! Move in for the kill!

~Yeah, yeah, yeah
You need the freedom with no chains
Now I feel the fever blow my mind
I need you baby to be right


Percy, take him down!

I'm ready boss!

~Yeah, yeah, yeah
A brand new reason takes me away
I've forgot my prison, never let you down
Let you down in my Li-i-i-ife


YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

God damnit, we've got a giant fucking robot and he's still doing this pantomime shit!

~Mazucchini go !!
You're the monster of the night
'Cause I'm needing you to fill my life
Mazucchini winner of these days
We celebrate, Mazucchini go !!

... this is this thing's themesong?! BITCHIN'.


Boss, we defeated all the enemies except Minister Pumpkin himself!

WELL WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? BAN HIS ASS.


~You're the fighter of the crime
'Cause I'm searching you to change my mind
Mazucchini take me far away
Show me the way, Mazucchini go !!

Percy, don't fuck this up!


Pow, right in the kisser!

~I don't know why, like a movie in my life
A super hero fighting for my love
Hunting to save my life!

We won, boss! But the Minister escaped!

Well that's just bullshit!

Also, I... uhh, may have accidentally hit a self-destruct button. We'd better get out.

...


Ran for our fucking lives as Mazucchini achieved critical mass and made a giant crater behind us. Just barely escaping from a massive explosion for a second time today, we found ourselves on the ground by a giant tree.

Hey boss, remember what that note in the bottle said? Giant tree on the plains? I bet this must be chameleon grass.

Put that down. You're not visiting Batman on the Rainbow Railroad again.

Hey, this must be where the mole found those instructions, 'cause here's the other half of them. "To use chameleon grass, put it in your mouth and turn around three times."

Uhh... I'm not trying this.

What are you, a straightedge faggot? Do it.

I put some of it in my mouth mainly to shut him up, and followed the stupid directions. I felt a slight buzz, but nothing spectacular. Drugs these days suck.


Ahh, boss, you turned into a hamburger! Hey, I turned into a pizza!

Kid, you really need to lay off the reefer.

I bet it works by mimicking what we're thinking about. I bet if we use it and think about Farmies, we can sneak into Sopville!

I know I'm not one to criticize plans, but... that's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard and I've met Paris Hilton in person.

Ahahaha, we're both Farmies now! Let's go to Sopville.

You're going to get us both SHOT.


But... but you're not even... oh god damnit.

And there goes chapter 6. I'm as speechless as you are. Trainwreck continues after I recover from this.

And to answer your inevitable question, yes, I did edit the picture of Nutty. Solely to illuminate the true nature of the situation, mind you.

Also, not doing another chapter until the next page, because we're 2/3rds of the way through the game already.