Part 10

Sorry, but due to the bungling of Percy, there is nothing to show for the final update.




















































Chapter 9: Dial I for Infanticide


One month. It had been one month since those horrible events at the castle transpired. Nobody had heard from Minister Pumpkin again - word around the melon patch was that he holed himself up in a bunker and blew his brains out on account of his massive failure.

Despite not having the Turnip Emblem, people still respected Princess Tomato's divine right to rule or whatever the fuck it is royalty has. Apparently nobody even really knew or cared about this Turnip Emblem business. Still, Minister Pumpkin ascended to power by essentially murdering King Broccoli, and now that I'm going to get to marry Princess Tomato, I guess you could say I rose to power by taking out Minister Pumpkin. It worries me a bit that I'm going to become the ruler of a country whose rulers all ascended to power by assassinating the previous one, but I still have one ace up my sleeve.

Percy. Little guy has, despite my best efforts, recovered from most of his more egregious injuries, leading me to believe he's either made some pact with some sort of god, or is secretly Wolverine. Either way I'm going to keep beating him to keep him in line. If nothing else, he makes a good attack dog to keep in my back pocket.

Everyone convened in a newly remodeled Orange Park for a celebration. Of particular note was Nutty; apparently she had survived the inferno that consumed her town. When I asked her how, she simply said that not all peanuts are worse off being roasted. Kept randomly inserting "Bananda" into the conversation though. Apparently she'd been seeing a therapist about that little incident, and with the help of medication she's almost become somewhat normal.

General Cantaloupe was also on the premises. I had to thank him for the Crest, as it saved my hide far more than it should have. Then I promptly beat him upside the head with it for running an organization of completely useless, freeloading fucks.

Lisa was there as well as the grandmaster of the celebration of ME. Because I'm worth celebrating. EVERYBODY will celebrate in deference to my noble actions. Mine. Not Percy's. However, that's when something went amiss...

Attention everyone! I would like to thank our handsome and virile Sir Cucumber for rescuing Princess Tomato! This land will be peaceful and happy once again. ATTENTION EVERYONE! LET'S WELCOME OUR HEROES!

Heroes. Plural. NO. DO NOT FEED PERCY'S EGO.

Boss, I did all the fucking work. Let me have this moment or I will fuck you with a rake.

Better men than you have tried.

So you're saying rake rape is a common occurrence for you?

SHUT UP YOU DON'T KNOW THE HORROR OF MY UNCLE'S BASEMENT.

..... daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum.

Uh guys, bogey on your six!

English please?

... someone is stealing Princess Tomato.


Someone has to save her?

Eh... technically you're a Princess too. Why can't you and I rule sexfully over the land?

She's my sister and you'll never get that threesome if you ignore this.

FUCK. Percy, go save her.

Go fuck yourself, I'm gonna go get drunk.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

Fortunately, fate smiled upon me because...


... the soursop wanderer came out of nowhere with a nasty right hook. I guess he doesn't want people stealing his bench time. Princess Tomato also got free in the process and ran off.


I have your precious Turnip Emblem! Are there any noble Finger Warriors among you?

Lisa can verify that I most certainly am. Shazam!

It's true. That thing he does with his thumb... ahh, nevermind.

... eww. Anyway, I've got the Emblem, whatcha gonna do about it?

Nothing, nobody gives a shit about the Emblem.

But you need it to become king.

Hey, if Tomato doesn't care then neither do I. Who the fuck do you think you are, ruining MY celebration? Percy, fuck this guy up.

What's in it for me?

I won't shank you.

You shank like a girl anyway, limpwristed faggot.

Take that back or it's into the river with you.

... I'll be good.

Anyway, what're you doing?

Not fighting. I mean, come on. STILL another foe to fight? I'm getting sick of this game, boss. If it doesn't involve me getting drunk or laid, I'm not fighting him.

Smack him around a bit and I'll hook you up with Nutty.

Nutty? She's nucking futz. Why would I want to do her?

Percy, I'll let you in on a little secret. Crazy girls are the best in the sack, hands down.

Explain.

It's simple. No inhibitions whatsoever and they let you put it anywhere.

Anywhere?

Anywhere.


Christ that was quick.


You won't when we kill you and take it.

Your idle threats don't concern me! Nobody is that depraved just to get their hands on a piece of metal.

They murdered a Satan-worshipping salad simply because he didn't like them littering.

They _Bananda blew up a giant Banana monster _Bananda with me _Bananda inside it.

They fed a guy a piss donut because they thought it would be funny.

They made one of my subordinates drink his own dad.

They humiliated your father so thoroughly that he decided to kill himself instead of regroup and try a new plan.

I'm this guy's closest companion and he's tried to drown me, shove me down stairs, feed me to monsters, thrown me at Farmies, and used me as a punching bag ever since I met him.

Holy shit you guys are fucked up.

You'd better believe it bucko. Percy, make with the killing this guy. Kill him in the FACE.

I'll get the gun.

Tsk tsk Percy, you've learned nothing. The unique ways are always the best.

Oh yeah... didn't that letter say he was allergic to caterpillars?

You wouldn't...

Percy, it's time. that caterpillar!


Pumpkin Jr. writhed around on the ground, very quickly having what can only be described as the mother of all allergic reactions. His face puffed up like a balloon, afterwhich his throat followed suit, killing him in the most grisly and hilarious manner I've inflicted yet. The caterpillar, of course, didn't seem concerned - it nested itself somewhere in Pumpkin Jr.'s frontal lobe.

Not that it even matters, but here's the Turnip Emblem.


No it's not, you're quite clearly on the rag. I'm not interested in earning my red wings today.


Stop narrating, I


THAT'S NOT HOW FOOD CHAINS WORK YOU


SHUT UP AND LET ME


GOD DAMNIT I WAS THE BRAINS OF THIS OPERATION DON'T THANK HIM


Anyway, some indeterminate time in the future...


I would later go on to marry Princess Tomato. The event was... lackluster to say the least. Minister Pumpkin had apparently funneled the kingdom treasury into an overseas bank account that we couldn't trace. Nevertheless, a royal threesome is something, right?

Hey, uhh... boss?

Ugh, what now?

Promise you won't get mad.

I promise nothing.

Well, uhh... I may have kinda sorta gotten Princess Tomato's birth control pills mixed up with aspirin last week.



... boss?