Part 2: Episode I: C'mon C'mon

Episode I: C'mon C'mon


I remember I had an apartment once with a bold type font title over the peephole. Real annoying to look out of.

Alrighty, let's start a new game.


The hell? This question has nothing to do with games! It's a trick question! I'll not fall for your villainy, Japan. This is actually the rather bizarre little new game difficulty selection. Hiking is easy mode. Mountain climbing is normal difficulty. Alternatively, this is on the actual screening process for R.P.D. applicants. Which would explain a lot.

The following is gameplay description and you're free to skip ahead to when pictures start again and the kooky-fun time stuff unfolds.

Unlike most titles in the series, you are given a choice of who you will be playing as through the game: Chris "McActionhero" Redfield or Jill "Jugs" Valentine. The actual gameplay, as far as puzzles, enemy placement, and what not is identical between the two characters. Though, there are key differences between the two, I'll get to in a minute.

Things between the two characters don't work like Resident Evil 2's "zapping" system, where both characters have their own half of the plotline. Instead, whichever character is selected will become the main character of the game, while the other will vanish after the intro or soon there after. The plot will unfold mostly the same way, other than Jill and Chris have a different partner character, who will be their key point of interaction throughout the game.

Now, let's check out our heroes back in their debut.


Chris Redfield, the token action hero of our game. Chris is the harder of the two characters to play as. He has less inventory space. He has to collect dopey keys to unlock several important rooms; of which Jill can just bypass with a lockpick. He also misses out on one of most powerful weapons in the game. Lastly, his partner is Rebecca Chambers.

On the plus side, he can take more damage than Jill and has a higher chance of getting a critical hit on enemies (read: head explosion.) He also has the most bitchin' secondary weapon in the game.


Jill Valentine, the token big boobed heroine of our game. Jill has a much easier time than poor Chris has. She gets two more inventory slots. Despite the fact Chris is wearing a big jacket full of pockets and Jill is wearing a holster for her shoulder pads which serves no purpose other than accentuating her tits. She also gets a lockpick which lets her skip right through certain doors which Chris has to scrounge for keys to unlock. In addition, she gets a powerful weapon that Chris gets shafted on. Lastly, her partner is a fat, somewhat creepy gun nut with a magnum as big as his arm.

On the minus side, she has a bit less health than Chris. But that doesn't really matter, when you have extra slots to toss healing items in.

Now, as to who we're going to be using. Elementary, my dear Watson. Capcom, in their infinite wisdom and complete inability to commit to anything aside from making sequels, decided that both playthroughs canonically happened. Despite the fact that is an impossible scenario when actually playing the game. But, since I'm a glutton for punishment, I'm going to make it work. As such, I'll be selectively playing both characters' scenario.



Alright, enough boring crap. Let's get on with it.


Who abbreviates July? Was that 'y' really going to break the tables?

Chris narrates this tone setting tale of survival horror and intrigue.


"Sure, they disappeared like yesterday night. But, it was Chief Irons' birthday and you know how those go. Still got mud stuck to my boots from burying the hooker's body."


"There's too much smoke from the forest fire."
"What do you suppose started that thing?"
"Eh, something about a mansion exploding or whatever. Meh. I dunno. I'm sure it's nothing important."


"Pay no attention to that news report about ten families being attacked. Ten people were doing the attacking, got it?"


Missed garbage day?


Doing kegstands that went tragically wrong?


Oh? Is that all? Pfft. You sent out two pseudo-SWAT teams for this?


I like how Resident Evil 0 reveals that after the crash, Bravo Team pretty much completely blew off their operation ten minutes in to chase after a completely unrelated third party that wasn't remotely in their jurisdiction to begin with.


I guess Kevin, the chopper pilot, moonlights as an avid lumberjack, since Bravo Team crashed in the middle of a tree heavy part of the woods. Hell, I think the back blade hit a branch coming down. Now the thing is in a small bare outcropping of forest. Did Zero do anything right?!


This is the only event in Resident Evil Zero and Resident Evil 1 than overlaps. This was the only thing they had to keep consistent; Bravo Team's helicopter crashing. Now, even assuming the zombie dogs smashed the window. The hell pulled the door off its hinges? Or tipped the thing over? Did Dr. Leechopolis mosey over and decide to fuck up Bravo Team's chopper on his marathon man march in which he beat a speeding train to his kooky hide-out?


So that's what happened to the kid from The Wonder Years.


So, they find Bravo Team's chopper torn to shreds, the pilot with his fucking face bitten off, and they don't immediately say 'fuck this noise', shuffle back into the helicopter, and get back-up? We're talking some sort of cannibalistic serial killer cult big enough to make the news headlines. Should the FBI be over this thing at this point?

Oh, that's right. This is Resident Evil.


A nightmare that Capcom would still be milking to this very day.


Meanwhile, we have an innovate first person shot from the perspective of a Red Shirt. This fellow, as you can see by the camera HUD (note: why the hell does a search and rescue operation need a cameraman?), is Joseph F. The 'F' stands for "Frost". You can forget that information, as he's dying in about ten seconds.

Edit: I somehow glanced at the picture went to write the caption and thought it was J. Frost and not Joseph F. Which brings up an interesting question... Why the fuck is S.T.A.R.S. running on elementary school naming system and not by surname like, you know, every other remotely military organization in history...


Wikipedia reveals Joseph Frost is in charge of weapons (no wonder the asshole got the shotgun) and vehicle maintenance. He is described as being one of the most cheerful members of the team, but has a tendency of getting carried away during dangerous situations.


Also, he was apparently also originally a member of Bravo Team, but got a promotion to Alpha Team. That probably explains why he's about to die in five seconds.


What's this look supposed to be? Surprise? Fearful? Relief? Blank soulless stare of poorly rendered CGI? Don't worry, kiddo. I'm sure it was nothing.



No! Joseph! We hardly knew ya... Poor guy gets even less airtime in the remake and a death relegated to off center webcam footage.


Whelp, that brings the S.T.A.R.S. death toll to three. Edward Dewey, Kevin Dooley, and Joseph Frost; all by zombified Dobermans. Of all Umbrella's bio-weapons, it seems rotting mutts are their most effective tool.


Meanwhile, Jill has either forgotten to load her gun. Or forgotten to take the safety off. Possibly a combination of two. World renown special force team at work, folks.


"Ugh. This one tastes like a Star Trek convention."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"Man, some campers down by the river last week. Some guy dragging his Trekkie kid out into the woods to man him up. It was great. He tried to 'vulcan mind melt' Jason."
"Dude, he totally did."
"That's great. What'd Jason do?"
"Tore his throat out and pulled out his intestines to chew on."
"Haha. Classic Jason."


"Want a bite of some of this leg?"


"Uhh...no. I'm good. Thanks."


"I was talkin' to Freddy."
"Nah, man. I filled up on nose."
"This guy sucks. I'm trying for a more milky flavor, if you catch my drift."


"I swear to God, you'd better not taste like Star Wars nerd."

Jill promptly falls on her ass. This will be a reoccurring theme in the game.




Can anyone tell me why Jill's uniform has shoulder pads? Is she training for the RPD/RFD football game next month?


"Did you see that? They wacked Paulie."
"He just got shot in the stomach. He'll be up in a few minutes. Hell, you've got a hole big enough to put my paw through in your side."
"I'd been wondering why it was so drafty down there."
"So, you fellows up for a chase scene?"
"I thought you'd never ask."



I'm sure you could stick Yakety Sax and there and it would just be the bee's knees.


He's going off to ponder why the hell everyonewas running in the opposite direction of the helicopter.



Much to his horror, Chris realizes he forgot to stuff watermelons into his biceps today and is powerless to stop the monster's attack.


He would never, ever make that mistake again.



"HoldyourhorsesI'mcominggosh!"


I don't like where this is going.


If you squint reallllly hard you can sort of see it.


And with that, here we go again...

Tune in next time for a new spin on an old flavor!

Bonus Content:

The Remake intro:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1nsRldhmuA