Part 43: Episode XXX: Everybody Hurts

Episode XXX: Everybody Hurts

When last we left our heroine, she was emerging from Lisa Trevor's spooky cabin in the woods, after an overly dull trek through the world's most pointless cave area. With that said, let's continue...


Well, with Jill's sidetrip into the depths of the earth at their end, she can finally get back to that whole mansion revisiting thing Wesker sent her to do a solid hour ago.

Jill returns to the mansion. Are you surprised by this turn of events?


Upon her return, Officer Valentine notices a door ajar. Not one to miss an opportunity to wander aimlessly into potential danger, Jill shuffles in.

Jill fumbles around for a light switch in the darkened room. Or, otherwise whines about being unable to see until she does so.


There, much better. And what do you know? Something manages to glimmer in the dark, despite our heroine standing directly in front of the only light source.


Well, this seems familiar. And a good companion for that stone ring she'd just stolen off Lisa. In fact, I think Jill might have just passed one of those on her way over here...



Two Stone and Medal objects. Collect all three and save 30% on your next Blockbuster rental! Ehem... Right. Wasn't there a door from way back in the beginning of the game which needed this pair of emblems? I do believe there was.

Jill heads over to the main hall.


Someone sure left a mess out here. I wonder what that's all about.



Well then, I do believe we are officially done with the mansion. Sure, Jill neglected to explore the better part of it. But, I doubt Wesker will be around to complain about insubordination.


The ominous door behind the main stairs leads down into the depths.


And down some more. Then down a bit further past that. But, I think you all get the point.

A winding cavern corridor later.


Nothing suspect about this at all. No sir.

Jill heads down the candle lit ladder shaft.


Well, what do you know? It's Barry Burton praying on an alter to the Deep Ones. I suppose the Ancients' good favor upon him allowed him to phased through the gate upstairs, as there is one and only one way into this area and I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a spare set of Stone and Metal Umbrella logos kicking around.


The skeletons hanging from chains on the walls are a nice touch. Really adds to the ambience.


Is Umbrella outsourcing their subterranean decorating to Outworld? It even has a bottomless pit. I think I uppercut Jax off this place in Mortal Kombat II.


"Umm... You see the thing with that... And the knobs. Switches I mean! I tried err... Sandwich..."


Quick, Burton. You've gotta think of a good excuse. Say you heard someone else yelling for help. Maybe one of the Bravo Team guys... Or... No, that's no good. I can't remember their names. Well, you can just say... You can just say... Aww fuck it!


"I'm going to shoot you in the face!"


What's this?!


Indian Rugburn counter attack!




...he's actually telling the truth. You overheard him blatantly getting blackmailed by your superior officer. Must you be a stoic monument to video game heroines being utterly fucking retarded?



"TRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIHHHHCKCK OOOOOOUUUUUUURRRRAAA TREEEEEEEEEEEEAHT!!"


Eye growing out of her back.


Sewn together vale of agonized faces hiding what appears to be Nemesis' little sis.


Beserker retard strength.


No less than six penis stand-ins.


Mean case of athlete's foot.


Randomly locking iron gates.

Ladies and Gentlemen: I do believe we have a Resident Evil mutant boss fight on our hands.


Barry is getting the shakes. He hasn't shot anything in a good twenty minutes. You think kicking heroin is an ordeal. Try...murder...


This decision fully determines which ending you'll receive. As well as whether Barry survives the game. And by 'the game' I mean 'the next ten seconds following your decision'.

Since the future has already taken place in another thread and it says Barry saves Jill from Raccoon City...and apparently took helicopter piloting lessons in the months inbetween...he's going to need to survive here in order to avoid a massive Time Paradox.



Oh yeah, that whole trying to shoot Jill in the face thing? She's already forgotten about it.


Having Barry's Dirty Harry special on reserve makes this battle a breeze, as one shot will nearly knock Lisa on her ass.


Or more optimally, nearly knock her off the bottomless pit surround the area. Giving Jill ample time to achieve the objective of the boss fight. Which is to push the four stones off the platform, as suggested in an earlier, poorly written file.

Jill pushes all four stones off the platform.




Umbrella is really into its overly elaborate tombs of random stiffs...


"LLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOVE."



And she was never heard from again. Really... That's it. Subplot over.


Since Barry has proven to be such an asshat of late, I suppose you all can see what awaits him on the other side of the fence.


Jill actually displays some sense in her head. No wonder this path isn't canon.




"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLOOOOOOOOOOOO?!?"


"RUUUUUHDDAH!"


I'm sure this has also lead to a number of unfortunate scenarios for Miss Valentine at the hands of unsavory artists.



"My... My baby... I can't let her go."

Barry runs for the gun. Unfortunately, he's a bit slow on the uptake.





Barry drops not gold, armor, or a sweet mace, upon death. He drops a file. Barry Burton is a jerk.

Barry's photograph



"I'm sorry girls, your daddy left me in a cave this one time because he was being blackmailed in exchange for your lives. I had no choice but to let him get bashed off a cliff and fall to the jagged rocks below, where the zombie rats feed on his broken body to this day. Super sorry."


On the plus side of things, you do get Barry's instrument of destruction. Which is strong enough to kill anything that moves in one hit and beat Lisa without having to resort to the block puzzle gimmick. But...

None of that happened...

Back in the timeline where Barry survives, Jill moves to investigate the coffin.


Well, that's a relief. Oh wait... What's that?! Oh god... OH GOD! NOT THAT!!

It's a file.

It's a letter.

Kind of questioning why there's three copies of this identical picture floating around.


The final big reveal in Umbrella Chronicles will be that Umbrella was actually an energy drink producer and the T-Virus was just a gateway into research for the ultimate X-treme caffeine brew.


This is what all the initial files actually read like before being turned over to the editor.




I'm curious as to what sort of holding conditions they're in if pen and paper is readily available. I'm thinking we're talking sub-minimal security prison here. Considering what a sketchball old Georgie was running around the mansion shrieking and all. They're probably stuck in the dining room and there's one guy by the door with a stern look for security.



November 13th...? They've been there for a whole three days and Mama Trevor is already sounding like a strung out meth addict?

Let's see what Barry has to say about the situation... Or what Jill has to say about the whole attempted murder thing.


"Oh well... I'm sure they'll retcon a resolution to it in another game."


"Hey we gonna talk about that..."
"No."
"Oh, okay. See ya!"


Further ahead, Jill discovers a lift upward. It's actually activated. No switches. No batteries. No shafts. It just works.


On the upper level, she discovers are large pool with a pair of...


Animal shaped statues. I wonder what'll happen if she tosses those medals she found in the main hall. If it's something remotely interesting, that would be grand.


A giant vagina metaphor... I guess that's something...


Now, the goatse metaphor...not as good...


Ladies and Gentlemen, I do believe we have reached the end game.

Tune in next time for:


PART 5 - THE LABORATORY

Just as soon as I find the second disc... <cough>

Bonus Content:

Lisa Pre-battle Cutscene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=robLHmC7b1U

Barry's Death:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvPQbyGO49A

Lisa's End:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ya5eYA1q4Qg