Part 50: Episode XXXII: Video Killed the Radio Star

Episode XXXII: Video Killed the Radio Star

When last we left our heroine, she had discovered Umbrella's token underground laboratory. Following that discovery, she did a bit of investigation before taking the R.P.D. standard course of investigatory work method and proceeded to dick around on a computer. With that said, let's continue.


Hearing a noise shuffling in the distance, Jill's reflexes snap into action and she quickly Alt+Tabs out of her game. She finds herself now staring at a login screen.


Has it even been addressed why the fuck a pharmaceutical company has its own operating system? That's like Microsoft coming out with its own brand of chewable vitamins.


Oh well, thanks to the earlier file, Jill is able to easily break the code to gain access to the system. I'm sure, not without muttering 'Ada... John...' to herself for ten minutes before the answer dawned upon her.


Good thing the 'ROPLS' System is operating under strict Hollywood OS guidelines or I don't know what we'd do.


Now for some steamy door unlocking action.


I'll show ya what it takes to unlock my B-2F, baby.



Three new rooms to explore! I don't know about you folks, but it's like I'm eight years old and it is Christmas morning.

Jill proceeds to the first newly unlocked room, just down the hall from the earlier X-Ray puzzle office.


"Policewoman! They've stolen my pants! My pants! I needed those pants!"


I love the undocumented feature of the T-Virus being its ability to melt clothes over time. Said ability apparently augmented by exposure to laboratory environments and/or final boss potential to a given area. And genitalia. The T-Virus is most certainly not genitalia friendly.


Following her close encounter of the naked undead kind, Jill finds yet another solution to a problem she didn't even find yet.


In the corner of the room, surrounded by viral research documents and equipment, Jill finds an industrial strength fuel reactor.


This warning is unskippable and lasts five seconds for each time you happen to click on the device. I...think it's best to stay away from this thing until it inevitably needs to be used. Used in what may be the single worst remake 'augmentation' ever envisioned by man.


To make up for this approaching disaster of game design, a bit of light reading.

FAX

"You're fired. Your final checks will be mailed to you. Good day."


"Discarding it in a corner of a random office is acceptable behavior."


"Again, placing atop of random stack of old National Geographic magazines is, under company policies, an accepted means of destruction."


"One: A rotting corpse is likely the recipient of this fax."



"This quick action will involve sending the area's police force directly into the mansion before our clean up crews."


"Though a report has been issued to upper management concerning a shift from 'rusty steel cages' to contain experiments, it has been met with analysis specialist counter-claims of 'Meh, it's good enough. What's the worst that could happen?' Thank you for your concern."


You can just see the guy's back in the Umbrella HQ giving high-fives when they review the security footage of scientists getting decapitated and torn in half left and right. It's a real morale boost.


Umbrella Incorporated. The only company in existence where, not only is there absolutely no communications between branches within the company, there's also zero communication between divisions of the same branch.

Stuffing the fax down her back pants pocket, Jill notices something on the nearby table.


an MO disk, you could transmit the passcode to the system...


So, there you have it. The method for releasing the three locks to that security system is inserting 3.5" floppy disks into modified Nintendo Gamecubes...

Don't copy that floppy. Jill heads upstairs.


More dingy, run-down bits of office space. Just what the doctor ordered. Notice the code input thingamabob to the right. Will get to that in a second.


For, you see, the penultimate file awaits our waiting eyes.

SECURITY PROTOCOLS

"In this event, the heliport will be destroyed by remote explosives."


There is a man whose job is to sit on the heliport all day and shoot anyone who doesn't have ID. That's his only job.


Which is standard procedure for most buildings. Though...most buildings do have emergency stairs... Or stairs leading out at all, for that matter...



"Nobody's leaving my room! Everyone's gonna die!"


A. Wesker? I'm sure that's just a coincidence... I mean... <opens a phonebook> Well, look here. There's a Curtis Wesner listed here. I mean... Wesker is a common last name... Right?


Well, now at least we know what is behind that locked door... A prison/looney bin. Lovely.




<yawn> There's only one file left and it's halfway interesting. I promise.

I miss playing fun games...


On the other side of the room, a projector screen is set up and at the ready. I haven't seen a projector used since Sex Ed. If a herpes covered dick shows up on this thing, I'm done.


"Buckle up, folks! It's gonna be a bumpy ride. I'm glad you all joined us! I'm Lance Churchwell and I'm hear on behalf all the Arklay Researchers! Let's have a big round of applause for those kooks!"


"First up, we have the MA-39! Nicknamed the 'Cerberus' for the Greek three-headed hellhound of the underworld. Features of this beast include:
- All the features of a standard Doberman.
- Rotting flesh for intimidation factor.
- A cool name!
- ???
- Profit!"


"Moving right along! Next we have the fearsome FI-03. Codenamed...the 'Neptune.' Those geniuses down in R&D at Arklay have really outdone themselves with this one. Take a shark. The predator of the deep blue sea. Now...make it bigger. Are you terrified?! I know I am! Huzzah!"


"Next up is the MA-121 "Hunter". Now, I'm sure you've all read about the current generation's capability in your earlier reports. Let me let you guys on a hint on the new feature down the pipe. Get this... Remote controlled by hovering sensor robots. You heard it hear first!"


"Lastly, we have the T-002. Or the Tyr...hey, I'm in the middle of recording. What? What do you mean I'm! Fuck you, buddy and fuck your pal that fell out of the '80s. What do you mean the presentation is too lively?! The hell else are you gonna do to butter up executives about the fact that all we've come up with in 30 years is rotting dogs and big fucking zombie sharks!? Classified? Look, I'm the..."
<gunshot>
"And people wander why I moved to the security department..."


I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation why Captain Wesker is in this picture... Still wearing sunglasses... And without a tie... And showing off his chest... I'm more suspicious of the young Donald Sutherland on the far left.




Using that slide filter, we get the passcode off the innocently placed barcode at the end of this presentation. To where the true secrets are being held...




Sure, there's a key to the inner sanctum of the laboratory and another Gamecube specialized piece of obsolete storage medium. But, there are more pressing issues at hand. Do you remember that video tape Kenneth had?


Way, way back from the third update? No? Me neither.


But, this game spanning cocktease, which Jill has apparently had stuffed between her cleavage the entire time, is finally going to reveal its hidden truths. Buckle up, ladies and gentlemen. We're about to enter...the danger zone.

Kenneth's Video Tape: The Untold Story




I'll be in my bunk.

Tune in next time for more crushing disappointment and the further eroding of my soul by means of endless corridors.