Part 54: Episode XXXVI: Helter Skelter

Episode XXXVI: Helter Skelter

When last we left our heroine, she was at the mercy of Wesker and his big naked buddy, the Tyrant. With that said, let's continue...


"Tch. Now, what were you saying about reciting out of place lines off the old script now?"


Wesker has a sudden change of heart. Instead of letting Jill be gored by the viral monstrosity in the stasis capsule, he decides to just give her a good, old fashioned tap between the eyes.



If I ever make a video game, I'm going to make there be a 1/1000 chance of the main villain's gun misfiring and instantly killing him. The main characters will just have a bewildered look on their faces and it'll fade to credits.




And Wesker takes one in the...shoulder... Barry has enough accuracy to shoot a gun out of someone's hands in a split second. But, not enough to nail the same person in any sort of vital area.


"How'd you make it through that door without anyone noticing?"
"The same way I made it though to all the other places I've popped up."
"Which was...?"
"We're in a video game. You're reading too far into things. Give it a rest! Jesus!"


"No... I flubbed my line. Sorry."


"That's nice and all, but if Umbrella does kill your family, you still haven't got a chance."
"Dammit!"


Oh, right. Wesker. You all should have really done something about him.


Barry opts to run over and shove him off the console, rather than just...you know...use the gun he's still holding.


You know who's making the real profit in all this T-Virus research? The guys that design those token sci-fi stasis capsules. Just think, this facility alone has a few dozen floating around. Profit margins have got to be through the roof.


Sure, the things' lack of basic security functions guarding against their bestial occupants smashing out and maiming anyone in the close vicinity is a draw back.


Though, in reality, it may be brilliant business move. How much of a return are you going to get on customers who purchase a glass stasis capsule if it never broke? They'd set up their evil laboratory, buy a few dozen tanks, and that's the last you'd ever see with them. Now, if things regularly smashed through and killed everyone. Sure, the original customers are dead, but someone is gonna need to purchase replacement capsule from somewhere.


Jill is stricken with cutscene stupidity syndrome. Rendering her small arsenal of explosives inaccessible for the duration.


"Ugh..."
<groan>


"Screw you guys! I just got shot. It was the best I could come up with."


Capcom: Never failing to produce lovingly rendered asses on its creatures.


"That was a really lame line before. I'm sorry, but that was just terrible."


"It won't do at all."


In this version of the cutscene and this alone (there's four different version, depending on your player and if your partner survived or not) Wesker doesn't get skewered by the Tyrant. He just sort of gets bitchslapped across the room and clearly lives through it. But, the Plot Device Virus says he must die here so...


"If I had eyebrows they'd be raised right about now..."



<cough> "All g-going hurkf... A...ah ahcord... According... to plaaaaaaahn. Blargh."


So Albert Wesker takes his place in video game history next to Liquid Snake, and Zero for least plausible excuse for a resurrection ever.


Barry 'tards out and attempts to bum rush the eight foot tall monster with giant claws for a hand.


It ends about as well as you could expect.


Don't worry, folks. He's fine. Being hit with enough force to send you flying clear across the room? Not big deal.



"For fuck sake, you people are terrible at one-liners."


"Bwahahaha!!"

Bonus Content:

Wesker and The Tyrant Cutscene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHXSN_2mMaE

Original Game Bonus Content:

Pre-Tyrant Cutscene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swoYc6hEzUg

Wesker's Death Cutscene (Original):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sxJ8fiSlAU