Part 9: Episode VIII: Hurt

Episode VIII: Hurt

When last we left our hero, he shoved a grenade in a zombie's mouth and it was fucking awesome. With that said, let's continue...


Let's just say the other zombie died of an unfortunate tuna can opening accident. What have we here?


Yet another Old Key. This time I actually explain how I got it. From a zombie hiding in a closet until Chris had completed reading his creepy diary. Now, what can we use that on?


The door we skipped earlier. I bet you didn't even notice. <note: steal current reader's wallet. Will not notice until pointed out in update several days later>


A small study presents itself. With...a broken shotgun? Well, that's the alternate means to the whole crushing ceiling trap if there isn't a burly Irishman present. But, a lot of good that is going to do Chris.

"there is nothing WRONG with this weapon"


"Why don't you tAke a look see. see You not it FunctiOns prOperLy?"


Shiny new shotgun in hand, Chris heads out the final door in the previous hallway.


Which leads him back to the hall with Kenneth's dead black ass. I think that is now a five hallway connecting combo. And since the door next to Kenneth leads to a hall, that is six in total in a row. Man, I've got two and they're on separate floors and I think that is excessive.


Chris' newfound key is put to good use down by the end of the corridor. Might as well explore the place, since Jill hadn't.


Around the corner there is an elevator that doesn't make a stop on this floor... Negating the point of an elevator...


And then there is a staircase leading down to a door locked with the Sword Key, which is Jill territory. Oh well, let's have a peek in that first door.


Which leads to a bar. I'm glad to know back in the good old days, Umbrella had all its facilities fully stocked with liquor at all times. Even the trains.


Around the corner, Chris discovers a suspiciously rendered bookcase in front of a...bookcase. Where did this bookcase in front of bookcase fad come from?



Pushing it out of the way reveals a ridiculously large musical score. The Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, according to the sixth grade research project-esque cover. Let's have a look at this musical masterpiece.


end.

This is one thing I can't say I like about video game remakes. The 'fuck you, no instant gratification for you' moments. This being one of them. Chris, being a lover of the arts, apparently cannot let this musical genius remain incomplete. Thus, it is tossed atop the heap of quests currently before our heroes. Hu-fucking-rray.

"Well, shit. My inventory is full now and there's a sweet box of shotgun shells down the hall. How the hell does a key take up as much space as a shotgun?! And why the hell does that bitch, Jill, get more inventory slots than me when she's wearing ass showing off pants and a t-shirt? This is crap. This key has to go."

And so Chris Redfield sent off on an incredible journey to unlock every door a key with a suit of armor could hope to ever unlock.


He finds one in the upper reaches of the main hallway antechamber.


And another next to it. He heads through this one, grumbling about gender discrimination between inventory screens along the way.


He finds yet another adjacent to prudently displayed broken fine china. It's classy, I assure you.


Another is found further down the hallway. With this game's love for examining items, I'm surprised you didn't have to go into a first person mode and examine the key hole to determine if it fit into the corresponding hole.


Chris finds an unlocked door further down the same hallway. Well, two doors. But the latter has an eerie presence emanating from it.


Officer Redfield finds himself overlooking a staircase connecting downstairs.


And yet another door which can be unlocked. There's another door down the end of the hallway. But it's unlocked and who has time for that shit?


Chris heads downstairs. Lighting a zombie on fire with the sheer power of his 'natural' gas and a lighter. Just because it would be a good story to tell at parties.


At the end of the hallway, he finds a rather annoying gameplay mechanic. That being this door handle breaks after two uses from this side. This being one of them. Sure, he could probably prop open this door and evade the problem. But the man's inventory is full, dammit!

In the next hallway...



"Friggin' finally!"

Chris decides to actually explore the areas he previously unlocked.


Though, he gets lazy at the end of the initial long hallway and takes a dive into the room at the end.


Dear god. The wallpaper! Tackiness...draining strength...

Moving right along...


Aww, hell. My mood has already deteriorated.


"...Faggot."
"Will you shut up."
"Nahahaha. Will you shut up! Wahwahwah!"
"Ugh. Ignore him."
"Who the fuck are you? You look like a cross between a webmaster and a fisherman. It's decidedly gay."


"About a day too late, dick nugget. I died yesterday. This manly little twat killed me because I was a 'big fat jerk'."
"Do you have to tell everyone on the planet this?"
"You fucking killed me! Yes, surfboard chest. I'm telling everyone."
"Err... So, are you the creepy static voice that keeps talking to me?"
"I'm the creepy static voice that fucked your mom. But I've never talked to you, kiddo. We're not on the same manliness level. You're manly in the Dean Cane Sci-Fi Channel Original sort of way. I'm manly in the Arnold Schwarzenegger in fucking Commando sort of way."


Meet Richard Aiken. The series' most consistently terrible voice actor, despite having different people voicing him in both versions of the game he's been in. Wikipedia informs me.


Very insightful.


Why Rich is plastered with the face of someone wanting to play tonsil hockey with Chris, I don't want to know.


"Turning textures... Terrible mess... Horror..."


"Wish you would have fucking done that a day ago."
"Piss off."
"This one's feisty. Don't let the flat chest, boyish haircut, fat ass, anorexic figure, and twelve year old voice fool ya."


"Real fucking scholar, aren't ya. Though, I suppose you'd be the expert in giant snakes. Bwahaha."



Fool didn't know who he was messing with.


"He needs to stop being such a pussy. Aww. Pour Rich Aiken is achin'. Wah wah wah."
"He was bit by a giant poisonous snake."
"And your mom sucks cocks in hell. I would know. I was there this morning and she gives a hummer like a GM. Bwahaha."
"I hate you."
"Well, maaaaybe if you hadn't been a box of saggy tits and killed me off I wouldn't have had to haunt your ass. But nooooooo... Spunky Becky Chambers needs to get his big revenge because the guy that saved her dopey ass multiple times was all big and mean to her. Oh, pour Rebecca. He was such a doo-doo head. Let me shoot him IN THE FUCKING FACE! Well, get used to it, sister. Today is the first day in a long, long life of Billy fucking Coen ethereal manliness."
"Umm... You do know that you're-- I'm going to go get that serum... Okay...?"


"Since blockhead here is having such a long fulfilling life. The fuck is he wearing a bright orange shirt for? Your crappy team has the worst dress code ever and that's coming from a guy that wore jeans and a wife-beater to his execution."


"Why is everyone talking to the wall paper? I have mutant snake poison in me! GO!"


"How bad did you suck, kid? You've got members of your own team that don't even know you."
"I'd argue with you, but... I think this whole unit has some severe problems..."
"...cumdumpster."
"I hate you..."


Despite the fact nobody mentioned where this magical anti-giant snake venom serum is located, Chris immediately knows it is stored in the save room from the a few updates ago. And thus he sets off on his destination.

Tune in next time for serum retrieval and mild puzzle solving! There might even be a file or two in there!

Bonus Content:

Meeting Richard and Rebecca:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbSH2nCP05k

Original Game Bonus Content:

Meeting Richard and Rebecca (with remarkably bad voice acting):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCCBbwLV4hM