Part 1: Episode I: Dressed for the Occasion

Forward:

That's right, folks. We're not finished here yet. Let's just go ahead and assume I'll retire when I finish the series or get hit by a bus. Though, a real zombie holocaust may also cause this, we'll see. It could be good advertising. Regardless, I think we've had fun here so far. Sure, Code Veronica made me have the desire to kill dogs and throw their carcasses through Capcom developers' windows. But we're past that now and I think we're better for it in the long run.

Anyway, you may have read my previous threads. You can assume this is a continuation of those and as such, you can expect a few throwbacks to them as well. Especially, as reoccurring characters crop up. So, give them a read if you haven't. Though I might ask, if this is the case, then why do you hate America so?

Let's Play Resident Evil 4
Let's Play 4 Resident Evil
Let's Play Resident Evil Code: Veronica X

Alright, enough forward crap nobody is going to read. A Raccoon City Jamboree? 'Now just what's going on here, The Dark Id?' you might ask. The answer is quite simple. If you haven't noticed, I like to put things in rough chronological order and I've been going backwards through the series. The previous game set before CVX was Resident Evil 3: Nemesis which is both a prequel as well as a sequel to Resident Evil 2; being set both the day before and the later half the day after the game. So, I'll be playing through them just as that.

Does that mean massive blueballs for Resident Evil 3? Completely. But hey, you'll get over it. Neither are very long games. Both clocking in well under both Resident Evil 4 and Code Veronica's completion time. Though...I suppose I will be playing through Resident Evil 2 twice in order to do its playthrough...



You all had better hope I never get over my insomnia. Alright, I think that's enough chit-chat. Let's get on with it:

Resident Evil 3: Nemesis (Biohazard 3: Last Escape). Originally released for the Playstation, it saw mildly upgraded ports (read: a few extra costumes for the lead) for the PC, Sega Dreamcast, and Nintendo Gamecube.

We once more go back in time to 1998, when the upstart international pharmaceutical corporation, Umbrella Incorporated, had just gone and accidentally started a zombie holocaust in the remote Mid-Western mountain town of Raccoon City. Alexia Ashford is still sleeping in a glorified freezer while her brother is gallivanting about in her evening dresses. Osmund Saddler is still sitting around thinking he's cool all day in some backwoods non-country. And Albert Wesker is still dead. Simpler times, all...

Returning this time is Jill Valentine, the heroine of the original Resident Evil, opposite our less than charismatic hero of Code Veronica X. When last we saw Jill, she was oh...

Christ, let's not talk about when we last saw Jill...

When last we saw Ms. Valentine not starring in a horrible action movie with kung fu mutant fighting and super powered stickfigure girls, she had survived the horrors of Spencer Mansion alongside a handful of S.T.A.R.S. members. Returning to Raccoon City, the team was forced to endure zombie jokes from the rest of the jerks at the RPD that took them less than seriously. Following that, most of the S.T.A.R.S. members got out of dodge to do their own investigating, fell off the map, or what have you.

But not Jill Valentine, no sir. For you see, Jill Valentine is dumb. Just how dumb? Let's find out...

Christ, I haven't even hit start and I've already got a mutant blowjob joke fodder. This is going to be fun.

We're treated to the standard issue prologue, narrated by Jill Valentine. Who, I come to find, was Jean Grey in the mid-90's X-Men cartoon. Claire Redfield was Jubilee. I wonder how many degrees to Kevin Bacon for the two of them.

Really lousy weather there.

Who's going to compete with their low low prices and family friendly business strategy?

Someone get this broad the City Hall song from Rocko's Modern Life.

"Other than a good lawyer, a technicality in paper work, a jury influenced by too much CSI letting the defendant walk, an out of court settlement, mob hit, or a zombie holocaust. Other than that... Nothing!"

That's right. Knowing full well the zombie outbreak was coming, Jill decided to just chill out in town until Raccoon City had become a hopelessly lost death trap. When later questioned as to her reasoning behind this, she mentioned something about a Godzilla marathon on the Sci-Fi channel.

Speaking of that zombie outbreak...

If only...

Cannibal holocaust. Now featuring...

Chewy McPowderjaw.

Stink Flemfist.

And the Oogie-Boogie Kid.

"That's a fine question, lad. Quite simply..."

The zombie mob fills the street.

Not to worry! Raccoon City's finest is one the case.

I err... Your enemies are slow shambling sacks of meet that can only attack from close-up. Is making a maze with minimal chance for maneuvering and retreat really the best... Aww, to hell with it...

Elswhere in the city...

Soldiers baring the Umbrella logo pour out from choppers. Don't expect this tactic to go well either.

Unfortunately, the Raccoon Police Department took marksmanship lessons from the same instructor that taught the Storm Troopers.

The force is quickly overwhelmed, despite the enemy advancing from only a single direction, none bother to fall back, finding having their still beating hearts being torn out by undead cannibals a better fate than losing face in retreat. RPD: Keeping it real, yo.

In another part of town...

"Third Floor: Dishwashers, Microwaves, and Small Kitchen Appliances."
"Good day, sir. I'm with the Jehovah's Witnesses. May I come in?"

Other parts of town try different methods, including but not limited to.

Telling the undead to talk to the hand.

Forming a little league baseball team.

Jihad.

Putting out novelty sized cigars on the zombies.

And mosh pits.

All end in tragedy... The RPD is down and out.

Though, nothing to say they stayed that way for long...

Meanwhile, Jill Valentine...

Hey, it would have been a throwback to the game's title. Were you a dirty commie that went by that "Biohazard" rot.

We're brought to an alleyway ripe with parking violations.

It seems the game wants us to see something.

Our heroine enters the scene in dramatic form. Err...wait a second.

As I was saying, our heroine enters the scene...dressed like a working girl.

Knee high boots, a mini-skirt, and a halter top...? Does this qualify as worse than Ada's fashion decision for Resident Evil 4 with the Chinese dress and high heels? I think it does. You know, with the flesh eating part added into the mix of pissed locales.

Jill accessorizes her attire with a single loaded handgun, a pair or instruction manuals, and an ammo making tool. Don't even ask where she stuck that last one. We'll get to that in a bit.

Why was she leaping out of an exploding building anyhow? Was that her apartment? Was the monster filled city not enough action for her? Needed to kick it up a notch?

Jill escapes down the alley to avoid the onslaught of zombies on hair tail. One bars her path with little room to maneuver. Luckily...

Jill has the ability to dodge and evade enemy attacks, much like Leon did in Resident Evil 4. Only, it works in about five times more floaty a form. Instead of hitting the correct button combination at the right moment, the aim button must be pressed just as a monster is making contact with its own attack.

Trouble is, it doesn't always feel like working, so it proves less of something to rely on and more a welcome surprise when it does work.

Anyhow, Jill vaults over the dumpster blocking her path.

Only to find herself stalked be an even larger horde of the undead and an outfit that is just slightly less retarded than her own.

Our heroine, instead of climbing over the car and evading the slow braindead foes, instead backs herself into a corner and is completely surrounded.

Wait a second! That door isn't prerendered!

Jill slips the viewer some sexy 32-bit cleavage and narrowly escapes.

Backed into a corner and with no way to file a sexual harassment suit with undead lawyers, Jill is forced to retreat to the alley.

Leaving her to whatever dangers may be left inside...

"Al, why haven't I leaped yet?"
"You're not done here yet, Sam."
"Gah. It's going to be one of those days..."

Tune in next time fat guys, zombies, tentacle skull fucking, and more inappropriately dressed heroines in Episode II: Chickheart.

Bonus Content

I only invalidated 90% of this update. Making improvements:
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