Part 10: Episode X: Scissorman

When last we left our heroine, she derailed a trolley and caused the death of another person by proxy. With that said, let's continue...

Jill instinctively moans like a whore upon awakening from the crash. When the shoe fits...

Oh Christ, we're in Narnia...

Or perhaps in a significantly less successful Capcom survival-horror franchise.

The front door is, of course, locked. The barricaded Police Station is wide open, but some relic on the outskirts of town is barred. This town, I swear...

Luckily, there is a side door wide open. The rest of the courtyard is full of nothing but pissy and vaguely retarded crows. They have the added ability of running into things in this title.

This is pretty elaborate for a clock tower.

A grand piano...? Oh hell, this is going to be one of those locations.

You know, the Resident Evil staple of a structural layout of madness.

Anyhow, Jill finds herself in a Chapel save room. By the elaborate alter with all its candles inexplicably lit rests a key to that door Jill passed in the previous room.

A shaking on the roof stops Jill in her tracks. A chill goes down her spine. That sound...is enemies spawning.

I like how the zombies down smash through the window or pound and break it. They just sort of casually walk and the windows violently shatter. Just like on TV!

Jill gives the standard issue response to 'spooky' threats and shuffles into the next area.

Jugs enters the next area, a door opens around the corner. It's everyone's favorite box of rocks.

"Since, ya know, what you did was fucking retarded."

Now that you mention it, Nicholai never did say what the signal for the Clock Tower evac was. It could be line dancing on the roof for all we know.

"Jill, the game's only lasted three hours so far. You know what's going to happen? You're going to say 'it's finally over' and everything is going to go to shit. There will be some kinda boss fight. And there will still be a second half of the game. Alright, I'm just being a realist here."

Did I miss a scene somewhere where Carlos was given reason to be a defeatist pussy? I mean, ten minutes ago we where all "Da Cole Train is on dah rails!" and now he's sounding like one of those asshole survivors from Dead Rising.

And where did Jill get supreme faith in Umbrella? Did we loose a few pages of the script somewhere?

"What are we doing here?! FRAAAAAAAAANK!!"

Why didn't this happen at any point in Code Veronica?

I'm pretty sure if he were giving up, he'd have bashed you over the back of the head with his rifle. Followed by spreading you on the table mumbling about his accent and metaphors about stick throwing. But, ya know. Just sayin'...

With that, Carlos runs off back the way Jill came. You know. The dead end.

Jugs finds herself in a dining room. Did the Illuminati hang out in this clock tower or something? What is all this?

With nothing of note in there, aside from a few grenades placed atop the fireplace, Jill heads into the next area.

The obligatory huge mansion clock tower main hall presents itself. Along with another dead UBCS soldier.

This fellow has a Minethrower. Which is just as much of a useless gimmick weapon as it was in Resident Evil 4. Yes, I'm sure someone will point out it's useful in X situation. Yeah, well a grenade launcher or magnum is more useful in X situation. So shut it!

Obligatory dead mercenary also has a file. One of three before half time!

OPERATION INSTRUCTIONS

Those two helicopters of guys failed this miserably? No way.

The poor helicopter pilot has been going back and forth twelve times now. This plan wasn't particularly well thought out.

Jill slips away that note in her growing Library of Congress sized files. So, it would seem ringing the clock tower is the objective. Originality abound. Straight ahead where Jill is running is the front door, which can be unlocked for little to no reason.

There's also a pair of music boxes in the corners by the stairs which play a little tune foreshadowing a wonky puzzle upstairs. One plays the tune normally. The other all out of tune. More on that in a bit. Let's check the rest of downstairs first.

This, of course, leads to a mini-library room. What els-FUCK SPIDERS!!

SPIDERS!! Oh, a file.

ART PICTURE POSTCARD

Why is this area foreshadowing its horrible puzzles? The entire portion of the game is half an hour long; tops. How is this necessary?

SPIDERS! Run away! Run away!

Oh hey, another save room. Four areas away from the first one. There's another one up in the clock tower proper. To put that in perspective, there was one save point for the whole of Downtown Raccoon City.

Moving right along, the next room has another random quake dropping a picture and revealing a standard issue safe behind a picture.

More keys. This is fun.

The rest of this room is a wee bit trashed. Leaving the rest of the clock tower that on this direction inaccessible. I know you're all disappointed over that.

Oh hey, this is where the trolley ended up. Somehow smashing through the building but then coming out and smashing through the fence. Spiffy. This is where Jill would end up should she have jumped out the window like a moron. Don't ask me how.

Something smells like bacon... I wonder what that's all about.

On her way out the door, the single most non-threat zombie appearance takes place.

I didn't show it, but that smashed corridor goes a whole three or four screens to the end, where that flaming wreckage is located that the zombies were pouring out of. The "holy shit ZOMBIES!" scene doesn't activate until where Jill is currently standing. The exit is that door behind her. It takes a full 12-16 seconds for just the first zombie to wander down here. There is never another reason to enter this room.

Moral of the story: Jill turns around and the zombies feel stupid for having even tried.

Well, that key should unlock this... Eh? If God of War 2 is to be believed as accurate, then there is a sketch of a giant half naked guy with downs down there. Possibly giving away a really crappy power-up.

So what the hell was that first key's deal? It's still in my inventory.

It has a screw
shaped ornament to
put a round shaped
object.

Oh come the fuck on! I have to put together keys?! This is just insulting.

Jill heads upstairs, where she encounters a new enemy. For this game at least. The Webspinner. Which is a giant fuck-off spider. Not much to say here. They spit acid. It causes poison status occasionally. Sometimes they do a silly charging run which hits for minimal damage. A good pair of shotgun blasts puts them down.

Of particular note is the only time the dynamite packs are put to good use. As I blew up two of those hair bastards with one shot over there. A hardy "fuck yeah" was uttered.

Until baby spiders started crawling out of their carcasses.

JV heads out onto a balcony. A pair of kooky switches present themselves.

The one on the left turns on the flood lights for no particular reason. They automatically shut off after a second. Jill does this a few times and giggles to herself.

Zombie Batman was not amused.

The second panel let's Jill close the door to this world and seal the darkness. The Gummi Ship arrives and they blast off to a dull mini-game.

Or it lowers a ladder. What is with this town and complicated ladder lowering systems?

The third save point within four rooms of the last presents itself. I went from having three save ribbons to twelve in just the ten minutes I've been here.

Anyhow, a fancy silver gear is up on the shelf.

Around the corner is an open set of machinery which requires a gear.

This is Resident Evil. Things won't be that easy when it comes to fetch quests. Since this was a silver gear, survival horror logic dictates there ought to be a golden gear somewhere. Yeah, let's see Jill try to lug that all the way up here.

On the other side of the machinery, next to the entrance ladder, is the area's first wildly unrealistic puzzle. One of only two. The other one, though, is the single most capricious puzzle this series has to offer.

Upon activating the music box in here. Yes, don't ask me why there's a music box next to an extremely loud set of bells. Upon activating it, it plays a little tune and offers some switches to press.

There are six switches. Each one plays a little bit of the music box tune. One plays it correctly. The other plays it out of tune. We want all the correct ones, obviously. This puzzle is just a sort of 'fuck you' from Capcom to tone death people.

Upon completing it, the player slides down to reveal the...

...other half of that wily key.

Which combines...somehow...to form the Chronos Key. Which is quite a dramatic name for a key that opens a back room with a couple of tacky clocks in it.

Since Capcom decided to shove more backtracking in this area than the rest of the game so far, Jill heads back downstairs.

"What is your deal, lady?! I tried to make this a fun killing. I played hide-and-seek with that guy in the bright yellow vest while dressed up as a clown for half a day and he never blew me up."

"But you... I've been after you for for maybe five hours and you've gotten me blown up twice. TWICE!"

"Do you know how much it hurts to be blown up? Let me give you a clue. Imagine having to watch American Idol all day while on fire. That's how much."

"Do you know who has to hear about it if I don't kill you? The French. The fucking French. I don't kill you and I have to go back and explain to The French why an eight foot tall mutant with a rocket launcher couldn't kill one hundred pound little girl with a pea shooter. Do you know how that's going to look on my resume? Mr. X went back had this happen. He went back and they were all, 'why didn't you kill ze rookie police offizer and ze petite biker girl?' Do you know what he said? Well nothing, because he can't speak. Mr. X had to go tell them that and he ended up in SURVIVOR. Is that what you want, lady?! For me to end up in Resident Evil: Survivor? Now just-"

"I hate you..."

Hey, looks like someone's got a new handgun!

Tune in next time for the most batshit puzzle in the series, climactic showdowns, and a plot thread that won't be resolved for like a month in Episode XI: Half-Time Show