Part 37: Episode XXXVII: The Explosive Season Finale

When last we left our heroes... This is getting like the third Lord of the Rings movie. We've had about three good ending places but noooo. Goddammit...

Leon decides to stop saying his goodbyes to his Notdead girlfriend he'll meet in a few years in Notspain to go investigate the latest calamity.

Claire offers no response and stares at him blankly. Leon's pants begin to get a little tighter.

Leon heads toward the back of the train to investigate.

Umbrella is just dead set on potentially blowing its employees and expensive equipment the fuck up.

What? That announcement just clearly stated exactly what was wrong. How can there possibly be any questions about this?

Poor girl is trying to push it when it's a sliding door.

Giving up on the whole door to safety thing, Leon presses further into the depths of the train car.

Well someone is compensating for something.

Always with the tentacles and the feelers and the goo and the eyes. Back in my day we covered our monsters in some blood or Russian accents and THAT was scary enough for us.

Behold!

William Birkin: Final Form - The Creeping Vagina Blob

Now, where did that thing get the mass to just double in size? Did it consume the back car? How did it, a pulsating sluggish blob, make it all the way down the elevator, and down a lengthy corridor, while behind Claire and hop on board the already moving train? This is even less plausible than the Tyrant that jumped half a few miles onto the back of a speeding cargo plane and climbed on board.

Or the one from Survivor that apparently leapt several miles on the heels of a nuclear explosion onto a helicopter. Maybe Tyrants can jump really fucking far and it's just never shown in game. But this thing is a giant blob with a teethed vagina which moves by tentacles and expanding and pissing on conservation of energy laws.

Regardless, it scares the bejesus out of Mr. Scott Kennedy. With nowhere to turn, what option does he have?

Oh yeah, a fucking Rocket Launcher. Loaded with some...special ammunition.

Should put a plug on that bleeding problem, Willie B.

Well, that's disgusting. And not remotely attempting to keep within the confines of the prerendered background. That's okay, we're off to FMV land.

All destruct sequences really kick into gear at the 1:15:00 mark.

I... Did nobody hear the first message? Why is everyone surprised by this? Is it the sequential part? Cause there's only two cars in the whole thing. It's a bit unnecessary.

I'm sorry, but Leon is pants shitting scary looking outside that window.

"Fooooorget youuuuuuur SCIENCE! Ivvvvvvve gotttttt VIRUSES!"

"Your dad was really sexually repressed..."

"Oh yeah, your mom is dead. Just thought I'd mention that. Have fun being an unwanted orphan, you homely, tainted little thing."
*sniffle*

How is it fitting through all these vents and doors? Does it have the density of Jell-O that's been left out in the sun?

Leon on a train.

Don't say Code Veronica invented the sentient tentacles that move and float on their own accord. Or bosses with symphonized opera themes...

Down below...

AHHH! MOTHER OF GAWD!

"Thanks for the help, ya sap. I'm outta here."

Why would a train set to detonate due to biohazardous contamination possibly have a button to stop it? Good question.

"I Ahm Ehhhhhh GIANT bloooooooobbbbb. Ihtz takING meh aieeeee whyLE!"

Something catches Claire's eye.

She's got a look like she might do something crazy. A look only a dead eyed CGI character could pull off...

Back up front...

They're fucked. There's probably a puzzle requiring realigning the voltage using a block grid like Tetris to get this thing stopped.

Turned out to be the radio.

AHH! Stop doing that!

Now is not the time to be jamming out to golden oldies.

Down below further...

How the fuck did she get down there? I'm looking at my floor right now and that doesn't mean I can suddenly appear in the basement. I don't even have a basement!

You're all relieved Claire is clinging to the bottom of a train going 80 MPH, right? It's entirely plausible, right?

Leon identified the bring red Emergency Stop switch while hanging on top of a speeding train from eight feet away. The moral of the story? Kids are dumb.

It's still entirely possible she could be holding on. Right, guys?

Thus, the train lurches to a stop after about fifty yards...

Now...we began several hundred feet underground. At least around a half mile. In a relatively flat part of town, not on a mountain or anything. The train has been traveling for no more than fifteen minutes at roughly 60-80 MPH with little in the way of turning and almost no incline in its path. So how in the fuck could they possibly be at ground level?

"Eyem ohkay TOOOOOO guyz!"

The Planet Namek is about to explode!

"Eye shoulda been a lawyer..."

So departs William Birkin. He died as he lived. A giant cunt.

No, really kid. You're just horribly rendered. Ghastly.

By the way, why did the train tracks end right there? Would they not have derailed, had they continued traveling at the speed they were? Was that Umbrella's final asshole move to escapees? "Hah. Thought you made it, didn't you? Enjoy the horrible train wreck, suckers".

This FMV screencap brought to you by Poser 6.0

Disneyland?!

Queue sweet guitar riff for events that will never pan out!

Bonus Content

Beware the creeping vageblob:
Video

Leon is devoured by a giant teethed vagina. It's as painful as it sounds:
Video

The Exciting conclusion:
Video

On the Epilogue that Never Happened:

Sherry and Claire joined forces to form a biker girl gang which terrorized the Mid-West for their dwindling supply of green herbs during the winter of '99. Claire Redfield was gunned down in a brutal police shoot out in the outskirts of Reno, which took the lives of three police officers. Sherry Birkin is currently serving three consecutive life sentences for six counts of first degree murder and assault.

Leon didn't go on to rejoin Raccoon City's finest. But he did, however, claim to be an officer of the law years later to pick up chicks. Zero chicks were netted with this pick up line...