Part 38: Episode XXXVIII: Why Did I Think This Was a Good Idea?

Well... That's a wrap. Nothing to see here, folks. See you next thread in...

"I've missed you, honey. Where had you been?"

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Fuck...

When last we left our heroine, she died. Alright? She's dead. Can I go home now?

Neither can I. Could you fix that? I don't want to play your game anymore.

I remember the T-Virus causing more ya know...zombification and painful mutations. Not moaning like a whore for a few days.

Firstly, that first line didn't even make sense. Secondly, it's a chapel in a burning clock tower in the middle of town infested with zombies. There are literally eight zombies in the next room alone. They aren't fucking vampires. They don't have a problem pillaging a church.

At least you didn't get impregnated by it, that's all I'm saying.

She just ripped a juicy one.

You're a fucking drama queen.

Like it's been capable of doing to people roughly a hour after infection. Much less over twenty four hours later with infection coming straight from a super-mutant tentacle.

Upward point blank shotgun blast, darlin'.

It's now time for the obligatory sub-character playthrough. Carlos actually gets an entire area devoted to himself and has the longest sub-character swap in the series by a good margin.

Mr. Oliveira is equipped with an Assault Rifle and a back-up sidearm. His pistol is marginally better than Jill's initial handgun, but largely useless. The assault rifle is Carlos' bread and butter but ammunition is limited and going all Rambo will royally fuck him if it comes to that.

The rifle can be switched between full auto and 3-round burst. It should really be left in full auto, as Carlos mostly faces big gangs of zombies and extremely dangerous enemies in a bit. So loading into them, at moderation, is the best bet. Plus, it's fun.

And before you ask, Item Boxes only work genetically. So siblings can recover one another's items, but people who have been hanging out in the same building cannot. So, Carlos is on his own on that front.

The Clock Tower has undergone some very localized damage due to that helicopter smashing into the face of it. But, that's okay. Carlos didn't need to go back outside or upstairs. Though, the real question is how the hell he managed to carry Jill back inside with all the ways indoors blocked by tons of rubble. It's one thing to do some action hero jump through a window across fire. It's quite another to do the same action in reverse with a full grown woman on your back.

Recall that big ass bell earlier Jill was too girly to move? The marginally larger Carlos has no problem sliding it like it was a mid-sized table. Yet a slap from Jill, the other day, nearly knocked him on his ass...

Carlos finds himself in, I know you've missed them, an alley.

Which, in turn, gives way to another one way sidewalk lacking street. The door straight out from the alley is currently locked by a "simple lock". Since, as mentioned, Carlos is powerless to obtain Jill's massive haul of weaponry and items, he's out of luck getting in there.

To the south is something we'll get to later. Convenient locations are needed to be explored.

How convenient there's an Umbrella controlled hospital just a few yards behind the Clock Tower. I bet Carlos feels silly about sitting on his ass peaking up Jill's skirt for the last 24 hours or whatever the hell he's been doing up until this point.

At least Emergency Rooms are just how I remember them.

Carlos stops at the sound of a zombie moan and gives a Fonzy style "ayeeeee" motion.

Well, this is the most shocking case yet.

Meet the Hunters. Or, more technically, the "MA-121 Hunter BETA". The Hunters had been a staple enemy for the series, appearing in all of the titles aside from Resident Evil 2 (4 Resident Evil doesn't count). Their most notable ability is the one they just demonstrated, slicing people's heads right the fuck off. This, as you can imagine, is instant death for anyone unlucky enough to fall victim to this blow.

The Hunters in this title are much faster than their other incarnations. Able to run at full speed, dodge attacks occasionally, and do their decap attack with little warning. On the down side, they're also the weakest as far as punishment they can take. Carlos can down one in about two seconds of concentrated fire from his rifle. Which is good, because getting one's head cut off is never fun.

Though, I suppose you couldn't pick a better place to have such an injury.

Carlos dispatches the Hunters and proceeds into the next area. The next area is boring.

Well, what do ya know. Is that what I think it is?

DIRECTOR'S DIARY

Well, it's either mercy killing or shooting them while they tear out your intestines. It's not a hard decision to make...

So, this has been going on for at least a month or so. Wouldn't the CBDC be called in for a virus that causes fucking zombies? No quarantines or government investigations? Every man, woman, and child in the entire city cannot be on Umbrella's payroll and be utterly duped by the company.

Oh wait, this is Raccoon City. Population: dumb.

See, this guy isn't getting handjobs by Umbrella. He couldn't fax his findings, reports, pictures and whatever to Washington and get anyone to help find what the fuck. Irons is too busy yelling at people for pushing his block puzzles to stop everyone in town.

Despite this, examining the dead doctor this belongs to makes the observation that something ate its way out of his neck.

On the table, Carlos discovers a tape recorder. This can mean only one thing:

Capcom is wasting our time with obstacles solved by items within feet of one another again!

"Said right arm is no longer attached to his body, so it is a nil point. He also seems to be gnawing on Nurse White's leg. I was slightly aroused."

Well, that was pointless. Even more so than usual... Moving on...

Carl can either take a trip to the top floor of the hospital or three levels underground. Quite the options. I'm thinking, since this is Umbrella, the bottom level is likely some kooky laboratory of some sorts. Since the massive underground complex, that exploded yesterday and should have likely shook the entire town and caused a few sinkholes, isn't enough for researching a deadly virus.

That said, top floor it is. A few areas are open to explore hear. Let's check the corner room, at the end of the hall, first.

Trouble's a brewing.

Well, if it isn't old Nicholai. Miraculously still alive despite being at the epicenter of an explosion that leveled an entire city block. No, don't expect anything like magical plot device viruses to explain this. Just good, old fashion bad writing and monstrous suspension of disbelief expected on our part.

"Yeah, man. They can pin you for a hate crime. You could be doing some hard time for that."

Actually, I can't see any reason he'd need to know that either. By the way, a little to the right with the old aim there. Maybe that explosion did mess him up a bit.

Nothing says love like a hand grenade the size of your head.

Random nameless soldier comes to Carlos' aid with a Deus ex Blackina.

Carlos and Nicholai put on their best "Oh shi-" faces and turn tail.

Yes, Nicholai just went barreling head first out of the fourth story of a building on the heels of an exploding grenade. No, he's still not dead or even marginally injured.

Tune in next time for dopey puzzles, conveniently placed cures, explosions, and the return of an old friend in Episode XXXIX: Jill Valentine Dies

Bonus Content

Carlos is a bit in over his head:
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