Part 42: Episode XLII: This Update Does Not Meet Federal Safety Standards

When we last left our heroine...

She was staring down her mutant stalker on an Indiana Jones style rickety rope bridge. There's probably man eating crocs down below. Zombie crocs. Oh wait, we've already done that...

Nemmy with the wind-up!

And the miss!

Jill with the shove for the win!

"Bitch, you must be straight trippin'. Did you see how I got up here in the first place!? Gravity ain't got shit on viruses!"

Since you jerks couldn't make up your mind, Nemesis does it for us. I suppose this is the most likely of outcomes... It isn't like...

...this is...

...the first time...

...this has happened.

Jill Valentine. From master of unlocking to master of falling on her face.

Jill picks herself up off her thirty foot drop onto rough rock and ventures into the conveniently placed sewer entry.

Climbing the initial fence, she proceeds to fall on her ass for the umpteenth time of the game. This time with added bonus of going head under rancid, toxic water.

Jill proceeds forward a bit. She is suddenly caught off guard by a cutscene.

Oh lord! Zombies! Since Jill is trapped within the puppet strings of the cutscene boarders, she is powerless to take any option other than backing herself into a corner.

A little late for that, kiddo...

Luckily, a skilled marksman manages to completely annihilate all four zombies surrounding Ms. Valentine on all sides through concentrated rifle fire and yet completely miss hitting our heroine.

As is magically finding more ammo for your rifle. Making impossible shots doing damage several times higher than your weapon is capable of. Also, making it far ahead of Jill into locations locked down up until two minutes ago. To make no mention of Jill having taken the scenic off a fucking cliff shortcut to get this far into the place.

Splattering ghouls' guts all over a girl, then chatting her up in waist deep sewage will steal her heart every time.

Yeah, just like the file said about fifteen minutes ago.

Oh, apparently Jill doesn't bother to read files. Or she's since gotten the knowledge knocked out of her after the last three spills she's taken since then.

I'd like to note that in order to get to this point, Carlos would have to have explored roughly half the facility at this point and he managed to miss every single thing that might remotely be helpful in escaping and will continue to do so. But he sure did kill those four minor enemies real good, right?

"Whelp. Sure do hope the trained mercenary killing everyone doesn't getcha. See ya around!"

By "splitting up" Jill proceeds to go the exact same direction as Carlos, as his usefulness in escaping is on par with having an asshole on your elbow.

This location, by the way, is the "Dead Factory". Yet another of Umbrella's secret research facilities. This one's ornamentation is 'disgusting sewer'.

It's also where Umbrella dumps all its failed experiments, assassinated scientists, personnel asking for a raise, Jehovah's Witnesses stumbling upon one of their operations, and other assorted desirables. They actually need a whole secret facility to accommodate this...

Anyhow, an elevator leads to the upper level of the facility. Where Jill would have began, had she chosen to push Nemmy off and that wasn't a silly choice.

Next to the elevator is a locked door. It demands power be restored and water to be checked. What it actually demands are the two most ludicrous puzzles of the game to be completed to appease it. One of them tied with that clock puzzle with the balls for biggest "fuck you" by Capcom developers.

Further in the room is a System Disk. I bet it has the Shareware version of Doom on it.

Jill proceeds into the next area, unlocking the door from the inside, in order to pass. Carlos had some how already been this way...

Gah!

Jill evades the gunshot by rolling approximately ten feet. S.T.A.R.S. training at work.

Even his chuckling sounds like a dirty commie.

The slippery Red beats Jill to the punch at making it to the... Why were we in this place, anyway?

I need to think on this... Tune in next time for the most godawful ludicrous puzzles Capcom could muster in Episode XLIII: Expand Your Mind.