Part 5: Episode V: Umbrella Brought Crappy Soldiers.

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she blew up a restaurant kitchen and was hit on by a dopey mercenary. With that said, let's a-go...

Right, then. Jill finds herself in the back alley behind the restaurant.

The path branches off just ahead. The door straight on leads back to the previous area with the emblem puzzle. Jill hangs a right instead. Pay no attention to the fact she's facing the camera and it would be hanging a left and the door is behind her. I hate Resident Evil's camera system.

This is actually the shopping district, according saves made in the nearby typewriter. Now, Jill barely wearing anything barely offers enough room to let a medium sized man pass by her coming down the same path. Imagine a portly middle aged mother with three screaming snotnosed brats in her wake. This town is a logistical nightmare!

A door off the path presents itself. I'm sure there were other doors in this alley. But this one is special. Or the only one they bothered to allow access.

Here's that save room I spoke of. Not much to say here. There is one useful item.

I mean, fuck all if anyone would pick up a rust encrusted crank, rub their chin, and mutter 'this is important... this means something!'. But hey, I'm sure it'll become a necessary component in the next twenty minutes or so.

Jill returns to the pedestrian traffic jam and heads out the door at the end.

Hey! An actual street! By the way, who set up these roadblocks? I mean, I can see the parked car, the tables and chairs. But the soda machine? Was the Incredible Hulk helping with the barricade operation?

Immediately ahead of Jill is the entrance City Hall. If you'll remember the ever dedicated Officer Marvin's memo, this is the dealie with the gate controlled by valuable jewels which were shockingly stolen. We'll get back to that in a few minutes. Most, because Jill still needs the second jewel.

Around the corner to the north, Jill comes across The Raccoon Press. It's probably one of those shitty local community rags they shove in your mailbox each week.

How many Resident Evil characters does it take to screw in the light bulb? Just one, but they'll need to assemble the bulb by hand from eight different pieces.

Atop the telephone is yet another juicy file. Actually, this one is pretty shitty.

Photo B

"The intro was like a hour ago. You couldn't have rendered a new zombie for this shot? I'm not even that great looking."

I will be good money the man who took this picture had a card saying "PRESS" tucked into his fedora.

A minor obstacle presents itself.

Thanks, Capcom. Pad out that gameplay time by five seconds.

Jill presses the fire shutter. A backdraft blows her back. Not to worry, high heel boots and a mini-skirt are very fire resistant.

With no reasonable purpose for being in a burning newspaper office building, Jill ventures to the upper levels.

The again, she had no reason to be peaking in the basement of a greasy spoon or frankly, still be in the fucking city in the first place.

Don't worry, folks. Halter-tops are very resilient against shards of glass erupting from a burning door.

Backdrafts that can blow a door off its hinges as well. The R.F.D. is staffed by Thai hookers. They had an impeccable record until this whole mess.

On the third story, Jill comes to a door not being consumed by fire.

The burning doorway to the right is obviously not accessible. There is a small office at the end.

Here, Jill locates the Green Gem. Oh right, excuse me...

The "Emerald".

The rest of the trashed office holds a pair of files. The Raccoon Press wasn't letting those bastards at the Raccoon Observer get their scoop on the latest Anna-Nicole scandal.

PHOTO C

Okay, we get it. You're very proud of your intro FMV. It was very impressive. Now shut it.

REPORTER'S MEMO

Prove it? Didn't Resident Evil 1 only happen because people were getting fucking eaten out in the mountains and the populace was freaking out?

"...have to get those photos of the police chief with the Mayor's daughter."

"Interestingly enough, they seem to have set up the road blocks only on traffic leaving the city. Anyone can drive right in like nothing is wrong. I wonder what that's all about."

The ultimate outcome of the series is it turns out to be a safe sex allegory.

Jill tucks away the notes and emerald and Chaos Controls back to the earlier clock in front of city hall.

Jill shoves both gems into their appropriate slots.

Which, in turn, unlocks the gates to City Hall. Doesn't this mean any young punk could trap the city's politicians simply be prying out one of these gems with a screwdriver and giggling to himself as the gate closes behind him?

Regardless, Jill finds herself at City Hall. Which is also located in a narrow pathway detrimental to on foot traffic. I don't know, my municipal buildings I've seen weren't shoved down a path high school kids would duck in to smoke after school.

You may have noticed a statue in the background that isn't prerendered in the previous screencap. Unfortunately, Ms. Valentine is unable to scale a waist high fence. The only other way is currently locked.

So much for fighting city hall. You can't fight Corporate America! They are big and we are small. You can't fight City Hall!

Up ahead the path splits. Jill heads to the left for now.

Classy place to house the political heart of the city. But hey, at least they can smoke.

Japanese food store down the road too. Perhaps the location was more strategic than first thought.

Or perhaps the urban planner was just fucking bonkers.

A short jog and Jill finds herself in...half of a street.

The path straight ahead is blocked by a crashed 18-wheeler. How could that happen? Unless a maniac bit the driver? Why would he do that?

Around the corner is a cable car. Jill climbs onboard.

A crackling console is at the back. Before Jill can investigate, someone approaches her.

"Does he always smell that bad?"

He also thinks she's a hooker.

According to Resident Evil 3's manual, she was also an ex-member of Delta Force. But, I suppose bragging about the gig with the glorified police SWAT team with a fancy acronym title takes front.

"I'm with U.I.'s U.B.C.S. on a mission to rescue civilians from R.C. with orders to move A.S.A.P."
"So what's the situation?"
"FUBAR."

Russian von Red decides to just sort of walk. I think he forgot his lines.

No, the guy is just really messy when he's eating spaghetti.

She's just noticing her outfit.

"Psst. We're on page 21 in the script."

"Aside from being dead center in a city overrun by horrible flesh eating abominations and camping out yards away from a spreading fire. Also, the grevious injuries with the nearest medical treatment miles and miles away."

Jill learns all the UBCS members', aside from Carlos, names through osmosis.

Jill heads into the next car.

"Us working together meaning you do all our work for us."

Wow. You guys suck.

So their entire operation hinges on the aid of a petite police officer?

Yep, this is Resident Evil alright. By the way, upon further review... Nobody ever tells Jill what the hell this guy's name is. She just sort of learns it on her own, once more. This fellow is Nicholai Ginovaef. He is Russian and therefore there is a 92% chance of evil. Be on your toes.

"Just so we're clear guys, there's a giant mutant with a rocket launcher after me."

Damn it! *wacks the television set*

"Guys. I... A rocket launcher. It's like eight feet tall. It could be a problem. I should probably just..."

Nicholai is really cautious about making it through Chinatown.

This plan will, of course, require Jill to do 99% of the work while the other two dick around.

It's probably a sign to change outfits when guys are giving you additional clothes to wear...

Though, Jill is now upgraded with two additional item slots. Nifty.

The rest of the UBCS guys hit the road. Meanwhile, Jill finds a wrench.

Which, if you'll recall, will allow her to grab that fire hose from a ways back. Which, in turn will allow her to put out that fire from back by the RPD. I'm not liking where this is all going.

Jill returns to the previous car to check out the situation with getting this thing running. A file rests atop the engine panel.

MECHANIC'S MEMO

Which is why, of course, a hour or so of backtracking will be required to make it run.

Poor naïve prick.

Right, let's take a look at that engine.

Hey, Jill got that earlier. This might not be so bad.

Fuck...

Fuck... Guess what it looks like next time, folks? If you guessed backtracking, you've obviously played this series before.

Tune in next time for backtracking, explosions, and emblems in Episode VI: Cookin' with Gas.

Bonus Content

The UBCS Gang:
Video