Part 21: The Wolverine Shredder

I know that title is nonsensical and you know what? I don't care.

Anyhow, when last we left our adventurers, they'd just encountered the story arc antagonist, albino pirate midget Ramon Salazar. Who, made gestures wildly and didn't really bothered to do much of anything but make idle threats. I miss Bitores. Carrying on...

Unfortunately, Leon's path is immediately blocked by another multi-hour fetch quest. Well, at least an excuse to have his path blocked until the game is ready to let him go that far. Whatever.

The only path open in the area reveals yet another lavishly furnished but markedly unnecessary area. At the other end of the hallway, yet another Ganado PSA flyer nailed to a wall.

There's also a sealed area we'll come back to in a moment. Now about that flyer.

Capture Luis Sera

Why do these people even have a vaccine to the yet explained not-zombie whatsit? I cannot fathom any reason for this to exist.

Why do I picture Luis off elsewhere having a Benny Hill style chase scene to Yakety Sax getting all these assorted items?

Further along, the path is unfortunately blocked by...fire breathing horse heads... You guys could easily climb over those things. Hell, Ashley could probably squeeze around the back. I'm just saying...

Logic has no place here, so Leon grabs the Prison Key off the distinguished gentleman in the painting's ass and heads back to the previous locked door.

My front door pulls up into the ceiling when I use the key too. My neighbors say it's unnecessarily excessive, but I get a kick out of it. Leave Ashley up here for the moment. She'll be fine watching the fire in the nearby candles or whatever that tart does when she's alone.

Oh hey, it was a prison.

Hey, it's nice to see No Face from Twisted Metal Black is still getting work. Good for him.

Whatever happened to that series?

There's also a switch in here for the easily avoided fire horses upstairs. So Leon macho kicks the door down.

Fall out of my seat shock here, folks.

Man, Vega has really let himself go after Street Fighter II. Guess that acting career never took off.

Meet the Garrador (Clawer). He's big, he's blind, he has got three foot magic claw gloves (really, where is all that extra length coming from? What's on his gauntlet wouldn't detract into it and still not snap when protruding with the space provided.)

As he is blind, Gary won't immediately attack Leon. Instead, he walks about slowly with incredibly good posture until either Leon makes a sound or he gets close enough to attack.

In this room there are a pair of bells which will gain his attention. Since he has super blind man hearing, much like Ben Affleck, the noise of the bells make him do one of his two attacks.

This one, being the charge stab, which, should he strike a wall, gets him stuck briefly. These guys have such intricate attack patterns, no?

While he's tumbling with his latest error, Leon is given ample time to shoot the giant glowing weak point on his back. Shooting this hurts him quite a bit and he does a rather amusing ouchy dance. If you're real slick, you can get a second shot on the weak point for the half second between when he stops spinning about and when he turns around.

Gary's second move is what can be described as little more than a spaz attack, triggered by coming close to our pal, in which he spins about swinging wildly like the Star Wars kid of old. Were the Star Wars kid's eyes stitched shut and he lost a few pounds. Also, he had giant Shredder type gauntlets. Also, he was Notspanish. And a not-zombie. Okay, so maybe he's not too much like the Star Wars kid. But you get the idea.

A few more rounds of this, and the big guy takes a dirt nap.

Realistically, you could have just snuck by him and flipped the switch. But, where's the profit in that?

Speaking of that switch. Look at that those things! There's a foot gap behind them. I'm just saying.

A brief bit of resistance, and the two are away

This area is a fucking endurance match. Ganado come out of every orifice in a league not seen since the House siege of '62. You're immediately forced to contend with two crossbow wielding jokers, two shield guys with back-up, and a leader which has a 90% chance of getting a worm head upgrade. Kill any of them, and two more shield guys and pals join the party.

A ways downstairs is the area the pair seek. For it holds...

Aww...cute. A days of old partner pressure sensitive panel puzzle.

Figuring this brain buster releases a crank device from upstairs. Don't ask me how the crank made it through the square hole. We're in a cult held castle. Wizardry is no doubt about.

This area makes a good Alamo, by the way. As it's an extremely long way from Ashley getting kidnapped. Also, about thirty Ganado have spawned outside now that we've caught on to their game of cat and pressure panel.

Though, that enemy spawning vortex in the ceiling could pose a risk to our last stand.

After a bit of a stand off and many a dead Zealot.

Leon S. Kennedy. Bi-curious.

Leon makes sure Ashley gets right to work on that crank. Sorry, hiding behind my back and occasionally ducking isn't paying the bills, kiddo.

"Come on, my grandmother could have finished this by now."

After a long wait for Ashley's broke ass, the elusive stairs come down

You can just picture these guys camping out behind the stairs giggling about what the look on Leon's face will be when they come running down.

Unfortunately, wrestling with men and world leaders' daughters' panties are the only things on his mind.

Upstairs leads to even more funtime excitement. Also, a chandelier in water. I never understood modern art.

*smack* "You best be prepared for what you gonna need to do now, ho."

Now begins an extremely tedious section made possible by Mr. Scott's inability to hold his arms up and jump a foot.

Basically, Ashley slowly cranks those err...cranks (there's another on the opposite end) while Ganado spawn from nearby doorways.

Should they grab our girl here, they make a beeline for the nearby spawn point. If they make it there, game over. So, you need to carefully snipe their feet if she gets caught (as, shooting her in the pinky toe and above will result in her death) and keep the guys away from her to do her thing.

Since someone at Capcom was having a bad day during this stage of development, several waves of Zealots also come to harass you down below as well.

Should the pair persevere, a new set of platforms will allow them across the watery isle. Why the hell Salazar put a moat in the middle of the second floor of his castle? He's a midget. Those guys play by their own rules.

"I'm right here! Gosh."

Look, there was even a handrail he could have stepped on to get up there. Gameplay limitations.

A bit of hopping across moats and the two find themselves in yet another ridiculously over furnished foyer. Maybe if Salazar didn't go wild at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, these guys could have afforded...I don't know...firearms? It's a possibility.

The Merchant is chilling out here, pedaling quite a few new upgrades. Buy! Sell! Go for broke!

If you'll notice the door to the left, this leads to a most unusual area.

The shooting range. Also, proof that there's either more than one merchant or that guy makes Speedy Gonzalez his bitch.

Here, you can select from a set of weapons, as shown. You'll then be allowed to enter the firing range in the back.

Smashing all the targets or getting a score of over 4000 nets you a bottlecap.

There's one for most characters in the game that have cute little soundbites. It even tells you the names of all the Villager Ganado and assorted enemies. What does all this do? Not a goddamn thing! But, hey. Now we know what the Merchants are spending all their Leon cash on . Fairground amusement games.

Satisfied with wildly out of place shooting mini-games, the pair continue their quest of wandering aimlessly.

Ashley gets a mean nosebleed. This crazy weather lately, I tell ya.

Except for the blood pouring out of your mouth, what with the parasite infection, and all.

Ashley has a spaz attack and pushes Leon away, opting to run down the booby trap hallway.

Spikes shoot out from the extremely obvious panels in the floor.

For reasons not entirely clear, Ashley decides to continue running across these panels.

Ashley races to the finish.

I wonder what could be her prize?

"For the love of God this girl is dumb."

A trap entirely dependent on the victim fleeing down a hallway of extremely noticeable iron floor panels lining a carpeted hallway, continuing to flee to the end of this hallway, then resting tight against the very center of the wall. Also, pressing their arms behind their back so they can't just slip out the top. I mean really...

Leon places on his angry eyebrows.

How did this bright young lass ever managed to get abducted by a group of mindless cultists? (Trivia tidbit: She's actually supposed to say "Oh my God" before her line in game. But, they snipped out that part for some reason. It's in the trailers for the game and her lips still move for the whole line. *shrug*)

So ends this chapter of...you know what...? That's it...I'm done...

Ashley Graham is fucking retarded. Next time: Episode XXII: I Hope There's a Closed Casket Funeral

Bonus Content

We've finished Chapter 3-1!

Also, Garrador and Leon play rough.
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