Part 40: A Musical Production

Episode XL: You Too?

Welcome back. When last we left our hero, he had just had his assed saved by Ada for third or fourth time after a pretty kicking knife battle with some guy that pretends to be a returning character. With that said, let's begin.

Saddler gets bored and gives Leon a call

I'm sorry, Saddler. You need to put that hood back on. You look like my 9th Grade Algebra II teacher, Mr. Teets

"I...I have no friends..."

You think he's being sarcastic; he's really just got their character traits pegged...

Leon begrudgingly gives him a gift certificate for two to Red Lobster.

"Ice cream with chips. Magnificent!"

You just know Leon is one of those guys that makes up lame one-liners weeks in advance, maybe practices in the mirror, and just waits for the chance to bust it out in conversation. Then pumps his fist a bit and congratulates himself silently afterwards.

Saddler lets out a terrific "Oh! Hoho, you got me you zany trickster" laugh

The upcoming "It" is actually named "U3". Though, this name is never presented in game. Just so you know.

Saddler hangs up to go do the laundry or whatever he does to kill time when not taunting our hero or sitting around giving orders.

The next area... Looks a bit familiar... Where have I seen this...?

Oh yeah...

Video

Well...this looks a bit more tricky... But doable..

Now this looks like trouble...

Leon gets lucky there.

I stand corrected, this looks like trouble.

Backflip to evade the first volley. I wonder what the running tab on backflips is.

And another ridiculous backflip to the prone position in between all of the lasers to evade the rest of them.

Leon rushes up ahead

There'd better be something damn important in here!

"Shit..."

"Fuck that noise," says Leon Kennedy, as he runs halfway up the wall and does a backflip off its surface to evade the hundred and one lasers.

That... That was ridiculous...

The door unlocks, revealing the closely guarded secret...

...it was just the security for Saddler's throne. Good grief. That's quite an elaborate system considering you have to transverse a boiler room and an abandoned warehouse to make it here. Someone got last dibs on royal domains....

Leon instead plants a huge steamer on the middle of Saddler's fancy chair. He's going to be so POed when he finds out. Tee hee.

Behind the rather ridiculously placed throne room is an elevator, leading to the rest of Saddler's hideout...

A musty cavern system! Saddler must have gotten this place on the cheap while shopping real estate.

Nearby, a Merchant, save point, and out of place Luis memo are all waiting.

Luis' Memo 4

*nods* Functional retardation. Continue...

Or lack there of...

Well, it's not hard for them to act as a group when the first guy that spots an intruder starts screaming like someone who's being attacked by bees.

Symbiotic environments meaning run down rural towns, kooky medieval castles, and dilapidated island fortresses? Those parasites have taste.

"That and they clearly just didn't feel like making a proper scientist character and shoehorned me into the role."

...survey says!

Poor Luis, you horribly unfit for your late game role guy you. Leon continues down the cavern.

Up ahead, he finds the Hanging Gardens of Notspain. It's not bringing in the tourist money like they hoped.

In a nearby puddle, Leon locates the beeping and flashing transmitter he planted on Ashley. Possibly the world's most counterproductive spy equipment.

Someone had too much Smirnoff last night...

The wall suddenly explodes, sending Leon flying 30 yards onto the nearby hanging containers of little purpose beyond boss fight arena.

Speaking of which...

"It's Kissin' Time!"

Tune in later for the exciting second half!

Bonus Content

Saddler Radio.
Video

Capcom rips off its own crappy movie adaptation:
Video And now for the second half...

Come on Island
Wake up Pueblo, Farm, and Lake
Put your two lips together and kiss.

We're kissin' in Castle, and Village too
Way out in Island, I'll tell you what to do
They party all over, even in the Plagas flu
So baby get ready and I'll be kissin' you.

Oh, oh, 'cause anytime is kissin' time, Notspain
So treat me right, don't make me fight
And we'll rock and roll tonight.

*drum solo*

My trigger finger itches
By journey's complete I'll need stitches
But by the end, I'll come home to you!

How long before I'm done
How many times must I fire this gun
Before I come home to you?

You can dodge attacks all day
But you'd better come play
Submit to the decay
And come to me my little prey

Cuz no matter how far you run
You'll never beat number one
There's no need to make a pun
You've simply been outdone

I've fought a giant that looks like a sea cow
A bunch of Ganado with a heavy brow
And have a girl with ears bigger than her head should allow
But I'm coming home to you!

They've pulled out all the stops
I've only got 30 seconds tops
They're quick about this; for that I'll give them props
But they'll not stop me from coming home to you!

You foolish ass had better sprint
Not time to make like you're Clint
While my eyes have this glint
In case you haven't taken the hint!

For you see I'm the chaser
I'm the ink eraser
If you wind up as the second placer
I'll cut you down like a genus acer

The platform barreled down
I had beaten that clown
Now I was coming home to you!

It fell down that bottomless pit
Much easier than the giant that was a brit
Though I must admit
I questioned whether I'd be coming home to you.

You claim victory far too fast
Who said you will last
Your break time is past
Now you'll pay for being so half-assed!

How dare you write me off so soon
Like a low rate villain in a Western saloon
You think you're so bad cuz you survived the city of Raccoon
Or slew a sea monster using just a harpoon?

I don't care what you say
Though it might be much to your dismay
I'll dodge your attacks like a dancer from a ballet
So I can come home to you!

The floor will give out beneath you feet
And I won't skip a beat
And that will be your just defeat
So I can come home to you!

Now, don't you give me sass
This is one boss fight you should have taken a pass
You're pissing me off like the Beatles after Yoko Ono
You're a pain in my back just like the one in my ass
The one named...

Bono.

*Bitching guitar solo*

Now it seems you're looking for a fight
Then he arrived just in time
He thinks he's wearing shining armor like some kind of knight
Let's get rid of this slime.

He tricked me and made me a fool like Ramon
I suppose this is what I get for sitting on that throne
Though these rhymes are starting to make me moan
All the better so I can come home to you!

How many times would I have to do a backflip
Much more and I'll break my hip
I've come to far; can't afford to trip
So I can come home to you!

Do you think you can escape
Maybe he's got himself a hot date
He looks more like the type that takes 'em home to rape
Then, my friend, I leave him to his fate.

Do you want to jump on that crane
A crafty trick you weasel
Your death will be quite mundane
Like the career of Vin Diesel.

I took a fateful leap
Just to escape that creep
I made it so don't weep
So now I can come home to you!

That cliff sure was steep
I thought as he plummeted into the deep
One less monster so I soundly I can sleep
So I can come home to you!

I'm coming home to you
Baby I'm coming home to you
Baby I'm coming home to you
I'm coming home to you...
*echo and fade out*

Cut and print, baby.

Ready for the concert tour?!

I don't know how to break this to you two
But we're going to have to say 'adieu'
How can I tell this without sounding untrue

The album was a bomb
A worse failure than Vietnam
Sales bottomed out like the neck of Saddam

How can this be true
We rocked out us and you
I feel like you've put up a wall
I thought you were in this for the long haul

This was supposed to be our break out hit
I knew you were afraid to commit
You've always been pathetic
It's probably something genetic

Couldn't we go underground
Where they'd appreciate our sound

Then rise one day
Make the crowds cheer and scream
The day we go mainstream
Come on, what do you say?

It's over its done
You've been lots of fun
One day you'll have you day in the sun
Then maybe I'll come home to you too.

So I guess it's time to say good bye.
The lack of fans stole our thunder
Left us with no riches to plunder
Just wait, one day our name will be in the sky.


Then we'll all come home to you.
We'll all come home to you.

U3 was found dead from a drug overdose in a hotel room later that week. He was 39.

Suckers...



Thank you, Notspain, and good night!

Next time, Episode XLI: I've Chiseled Your Gravestone!