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Episode XIV: Leon of the Rings

When last we left our hero, Leon had just awaken from a bizarre non-sequitur set of dreams and had set out on his quest for the waterfall, as noted by a love letter left by an anonymous <Luis> benefactor. I think that about brings us up to speed. Let’s begin.

A handy sign right by the docks leads Leon on the right direction.

As pictured above.

The next area reveals another batch of the usual characters. Leon readies his pistol and goes to work…


Run away! Run away!

Leon rushes back to the dock and takes to the high seas. He’s got grenades. He can take that door the normal way. (Note: There’s also a semi-hidden Merchant out here, but he’s got nothing new on him. There is a decent amount of treasure, though.)

The familiar shoreline greets him. Hey, what’s that there?

Meet the Colmillos (Fangs). Those critters make noble companions, steadfast guard dogs, and the best friend a man can have.

Ask us about the tentacle rape model. Remember to get your pets spayed or neutered!

Run away! Run away!

Leon rushes back to his boat. Where he is master of the domain.

Dog stew with fillet fish. Good eats for any measure.

Gathering his nerves, Leon makes his way back to the newfound abomination’s location.

“It has a blade for a head. Do you understand the ramifications of this? A blade.”

Luckily, they’re not too terribly difficult to deal with. Shooting the bulb where the blade tentacle has replaced the head stuns it just as a normal head would be stunned. Allowing you ample time to run and give it a good kick, just like normal. Provided, you now only have a two second or so window before you get tentaclebladeitis.

It’s also worth noting, that shooting Ganado in the head will not cause bobblehead spawn. When you enter an area, it is predetermined which Ganado will get a makeover, regardless of how you kill them (unless you blow them up). It’s also worth mentioning that flash grenades instantly kill any Plagas variations in blast radius. The more you know…

Further ahead, Leon spots another wacky Ganado hangout spot.

They were nice enough to leave a rope for easy action hero rappelling action.

There’s a short little flip switching puzzle down below to open up the waterfall which Leon likely could just dive through with little problem.

I’m not a fan of 32-bit era popularized gameplay mechanics. What I am a fan of is 1980’s music montages and bad MIDI symphatizers.

Push It To The Limit

So listen and imagine you’re adventuring along side Leon for this next part.

You can stop now. *munches sandwich* I’m back. Mmm. Salami.

Behind the waterfall is a cramp room filled with candles. One must wonder what all those guys were doing hanging out behind here. Probably best not to think about it too much.

In any case, the key to the church is rescued from its overly elaborate setting. Relatively overly elaborate. It went from behind the church stuck in a number puzzle involving the tombstones’ symbols in the graveyard out front to stuck across a lake, down a cliffside and trapped tied to an ornamental door behind a waterfall. Again, relatively more elaborate.

Hunnigan chimes in once more

Edit: A conversation so pointless I completely forgot to include it!

Said door slides open. Apparently activated only by someone collecting the treasure it holds and giving them easy passage to where it needs to be used.

A motorboat not unlike the previous one from the lake lies at the ready. Up ahead, Ganado are rushing with the red carpet and installing an escalator and a ramp for handicap access.

Leon rides the raft down the small channel. Ending up at another dock on the other side lit by a familiar blue torch.

Hey, it’s our old buddy the Merchant, back from The Update Before Del Lago Good to see he’s pulling through still after Wal-Mart opened that new store downtown. Well, that must mean upstairs is…

Ah yes, Ominous Boss Arena Placeholder ™

Suddenly, the unthinkable happens

The King Kong style tribal gates slam shut!

Just then, the doors to the Fellowship of the Ring set burst open.

The villagers shuffle out pulling on whatever beast lies within. As, any good caged abomination needs to be coaxed out like a scared kitten.

The, of course, soon lose control. But, that’s the risk you run when you sign up for ‘locals holding the evil beast that invariably exist to be killed when said beast is released’ duty. Slightly less crappy a calling than jury duty.

“This is the master of the house. Who dares call here?!”

What follows is about what one would expect from such an encounter.

Leon manages to evade his fate by backflipping with the grace of an extra from Mortal Kombat Annihilation

“Good sir. You have made a grave miscalculation by setting foot in my court. You shall rue the day when the fates intersected our pathes!”
“Court? It’s a muddy field.”

Rue the day, good sir! I shall have to ask you to leave at once. You are henceforth banished from my kingdom.”

“My word! Such barbaric behavior shall not be tolerated.”

“One moment, villain. Stay your hand. Your fate shall come swiftly enough.”

“In all my years as Duke of this glorious land, I have never once bared witness to such unruly behavior from a mere commoner. To defend the honor of my land, I, Duke Gigante Rowsdower the 3rd, Son of King Bartholomew J. Rowsdower, henceforth challenge you to a duel.”

The showdown between the two is suddenly interrupted by an unforeseen interloper.

A screenshot doesn’t do justice to the goofy demeanor of a five year old seeing a puppy Leon gives off here.

“Goodness! A purebred German Sheppard. I had such a companion in my youth, long ago before the turmoil of the war.”

“Come here boy. You shall make a fine addition to my ranks in these trying times.”

Leon ducks into a nearby hut for supplies whilst the Duke is busy reliving his youth outside.

“Oi. Leave that dog alone, ya big oaf!”
“I shall not be addressed in such a tone, peasant. Not since the Jazz Dance Contest of the golden Summer of ’63 had I fell prey to such a harsh tone.”

“To relive those golden years. Dancing the hot summer nights away with a young lass I met while on leave with the navy. Oh, bollocks!”

A mean case of back acne comes to light as the Duke fumbles for his wayward monocle.

Leon takes this chance to scale the highly delusional monstrosity’s backside.

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”

A combination of attacking the exposed Gigante’s weak point and slinging groan worthy quotes for Monty Python and the Holy Grail combine for massive damage

“You rogue, no man shall speak of my progenitors in such an unflattering light!”

Now, for that duel I spoke of.

People fall at my feet when they see me coming!
Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

I've spoken with apes more polite than you.
I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!
And I've got a little TIP for you. Get the POINT?

I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!
Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.
I look THAT much like your fiancé?

*cough* Okay, that was a bit out of line.

Chap, by chance are you a fan of your American pastime, baseball?

I did quite enjoy it in my youth at my times in the colonies.

Raging Rowsdower, they referred to me as.

Perhaps I should demonstrate!

Look, guy. You’re not nobility. You were never a star baseball player. You’re barely wearing pants. Give it a rest!

I will not be privy to this…

That’s enough! You’re not anything special. You’re barely even an original creature. You’re a damned cave troll from Fellowship of the Ring with a Spanish name!

No. No. A lie? So many, many lies. How many lies have I lived? The truth, just pieces of shattered delusions of grandeur. I thank you good sir. I thank you, for you have freed me.

The beast of a confused narrative meets a noble end.

Leon pilfers its inheritance and snickers that it was such a sucker for believing him.

Unseen forces directly tied to the creature’s life force open the gate, now that it has fallen. Must be the same principle in evil base self destruction mechanisms.

With the fiercesome El Gigante defeated, nothing stands in Leon's path on route to save Ashley from the depths of the church she is being held. Unless, of course, they've moved her in the six or seven hours Leon's been out of commission. But, that would be assuming far too much of this adversary. Tune in next time for the next exciting installment in Episode XV: Lord Saddler's Escort Service.

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