Part 10: Episode X: The House on Items Unwanted Hill.

Welcome back. When last we left our heroine, she had collect enough items to fit in a single stage of a Rare video game. Also, creepy houses on a hill and spooky laughter. With that said, let's continue.

Well, I see the Ashfords are using a Neo Classical Creepyasfuck Dutch style in their abode.

A short jog up toward the house ensues. Bandersnatches are also roaming. They'd be scarier if their skin texture didn't look like someone threw up cheesy fries with ketchup.

Once more with the drama load screen. This one takes 13 seconds to open the damn door. Yes, I sat there and watched how long it took...

"I take it that Alexia gal is not much of a housekeeper."

Claire, is tragically immediately stomped on by the Gods of Joke Etiquette. Deeming housekeeping jokes to never be funny. Ever.

Claire heads up the nearby staircase in the foyer. The second floor is inaccessible due to the door being smashed. Best news I've heard all days. Carrying on...

SWEET ZOMBIE FUCK BUNNIES!

I...I don't even want to know...

Claire quietly exits, never to speak of this again, except to her therapist.

Claire sneaks in on a conversation in the next room.

"Nobody told me she'd jump out of the way if I aimed at her for more than 12 seconds."

The entire family hinges on killing one lightly armed girl?

This family is really into itself. Probably in more ways than one.

Alexia quickly loses faith in her brother, two sentences later.

Alexia spots Claire out of the corner of her eye. Claire retreats around the corner, left to wonder why the hell there's a window into a bedroom in the middle of a hallway.

"Landshark."

"It's just some clever shark."

Oh, this kooky Ashford set-up.

Claire decides to venture in to the room for whatever reason.

Luckily, the Ashfords are gone. Perhaps to go toss kittens into a lion's mouth or set a dog on fire.

They have instead been replaced by a soft music box tune.

Claire shuts the music box. As the tune loops ever 15 seconds and it gets to be a bit grating.

Doing this causes Alexia's bed to raise, revealing a silver key.

The bed immediately slams shut just after. There is a ladder atop it. The fights for the top bunk in the Ashfords' youth were positively vicious. Unfortunately, it's sealed at the moment.

Now, that ant statuette can be put to use.

This allows Claire to pick up the music box plate. Sure, there's no way to know if it's going to be used. But she was just lugging around a huge portrait of a skeleton pirate last update, so it can't hurt. At the very least, she could pawn it off on Ebay.

Claire heads back down the creepy doll filled hallway to the room on the opposite end.

Babyface Alfie's room!

There's a matching music box in here, though this one is demanding a sapphire ant statue. Can these boxes really detect the color of the friggin' ant? We can't just pry out the first one and stick it in here? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills here!

There's a little memo on Alfred's desk, nestled between sticky bodybuilder magazines.

Message Card

*flipping to the back*
"Fuck it up and I'll cut your throat out and shit down your neck.
Love,
Sis Allie."

Keys and weird stationary aside, Claire heads back to the Palace.

The door opposite the save room on the upper part of the opening lobby had one of those newfangled silver locks. Let's check that out.

Sadly, Claire's encounter in this room would lead to a life long gambling addiction that would haunt her until disappeared outside Reno.

This is the last known photo of her.

Aside from the slots and roulette, there's a lovely piano. Had this game came out five years later, there would undoubtedly be a Moonlight Sonata rhythm game to unlock whatever item is hidden in here.

But, as it stands, it needs a wheel for the player piano. The item is in that one activated slot machine base. These games should unlock a crowbar for your second playthrough.

With little left in here, Claire heads back toward out.

The hallway leading to the creepy projector room has the last of these werewolf killing door key usages.

This leading to a conference room filled with Banders. Claire deals with the situation Inspector Tequila style.

In the middle of the conference room is...

Dear God! The emblems are fucking breeding!! There's going to be whole families of emblems by months ends. An emblem President by the end of the decade. Emblem race wars by the early 2020's. The first emblem on the moon by 2027! Madness.... MADNESS!

*ahem* There's also a little memo laying in the corner of a desk.

Hunk's Report

A memo from the strangely popular Resident Evil 2 bonus game hero himself. When last we saw Hunk, it was, once more, in Resident Evil 3's epilogues.

The Death never dies? What, are you going to kill it AND the night next?

"It's just behind the Aunt Jemima's frozen waffles."

"Not a single one of my men were horrible slaughtered by plagued mutants. What gives, sir?"

"That rascal Alfred still up to his horrible murdering and missing people with his rifle, just to keep the newbies in line. Great stuff."

Hunk returns to the seedy underworld of bonus games, never to be seen again. Until Resident Evil 4, where he was pretty kickass. Well, actually, he was an inaccessible model in Resident Evil Outbreak File #2 as well (with no helmet, to boot), but that doesn't count.

Anyway...another emblem... Do you know what this emblem slots into? Remember that guillotine back in the Prison about five updates ago? No? Neither did I, I had to go check. But, that's where it goes. Just a trite eight or nine loading screens away...

Ah, the Prison. It's been too long. Actually, no. No it hasn't. What sadistic fuck made me backtrack here.

Hey wait...wasn't there someone dying around here... Like a good eight updates ago...? Maybe we could check on him...

"Hey, bud. Sort of forgot about you. Hey, look. I found that medicine... Like two hours ago... Look, I've been real busy, OK? These emblems. I mean, how do you people not go nuts living here... Bud...?"

Oh boy...

Gah!

Claire is somehow compelled to helping this guy. On the one hand, he was nice enough to free her from her cell. On the other hand, he did it after the island was decimated, filled with zombies, and he's the reason she's here in the first place. We've laced the contestant's medical supplies with Arsenic. Let's see if he notices the difference...

"It's one of those childproof caps. They're tricky."

"...well, it was a gift in the sense that it was his and he graciously gave it to me by means of my shoving it into my purse."

Rodrigo is always ready to preach about practicing safe sex.

"'kay."

Well, Claire loses the lighter and is now helpless against bats. On the plus side, she's now equipped with the proper Resident Evil female accessory.

NPC code for "next time you see me, I'll die horrible."

What horrors await in the bowels of the Prison? Whatever happened to Steve? Do you think he's dead? I think he's dead. Find out this and more in Episode XI: A Prison Break.