Part 31: Deus Ex

Now, where were we...?

Hey, this wasn't in the script!

Wesker and Claire vanish into the nearby hallway that I'm doubting was actually there earlier. Chris gives chase.

Unfortunately, he loses them in the door loading screen. Crafty bastard.

"The sun is in my eyes."

"I cut myself shaving."

Chris practices some close call dodging. Completely forgetting that explosive bolt bow gun, grenade launcher with 30 rounds, and magnum he was carrying.

Despite having no idea where they went a few moments ago, Chris decides to run aimlessly down the long hallway they couldn't possibly have traveled down in three seconds without him seeing.

Hey, jackass! Why couldn't you shoulder block zombies a hour ago?!

Chris bursts through a door at the end of the hall.

Whoops... Wrong room.

Let's try that again...

It seems the group has fallen into some wormhole and despite being deep underground and far inland in Antarctica, they've somehow reached an ocean level cave on the edge of the continent. Spiffy.

It's pretty bad when the characters in your own game are saying the whole affair was a waste of time.

"Psst. Thanks for standing on your tippie-toes to make it looks like I'm lifting you up. You'll get your check in the mail."

"She's got The Clap."

That was stunningly easy.

Chris helps Claire to her feet.

"You have no idea what a hard-on it'll give me."

"No shit, I was standing right down the hall. I'm pretty sure I just acknowledged that a minute ago as well. How did I ever hire you back in the day?"

Gross.

Jesus H. Christ! Wesker just fucking took a ninja leap to the top of video game villainy. You cannot top that.

"I never even met the guy and I know how wrong a move that would be."

"I had to put up with that shit burger for two whole days and I feel like putting a bullet in my head."

These guys are really loyal to what's essentially a defunct glorified SWAT team based out of a backwater city that was turned into nuclear dust a quarter year ago.

"Uhh...sure... Promise... Which was...?"

Claire runs off. Shouldn't this base have exploded about three minutes ago?

"Hey, sis. If you could find a deus ex machina along the way back, that would be swell!"

"I already died once, remember? Kenneth says to kiss his black ass."

Likely blatant stupidity. But, maybe that's being a bit harsh.

Wesker slowly stalks toward Chris, who completely looses any and all confidence and backs up while wetting his pants.

"Hey...wait a minute."

If only...

Chris tries his hand at melee with a guy who punched him clear across a room and ripped a steel door off its hinges a few minutes ago.

Ah... The Cutscene Stupidity Complex. Will you ever get old?

Who saw that coming?

Elsewhere...

Claire rushes back to the waiting escape ride.

"Imminent being eh...not too long now. I'm sure it's coming. Evacuate immediately."

Still no sign of Chris. Let's go check on how he's doing.

Back to Chris...

Still chilling out on the floor. Our hero, foks.

You know what this game needs?

A good ass kicking...

As pictured.

"And my center of balance is a bit out of wack..."

That bastard, Wesker, broke his juice box.

Fucking phenomenal dance moves.

Sucka got served.

Chris notices a gross safety violation by the Umbrella Corporation.

Sure, Wesker's got some vertical game.

But he's no match for Chris' 10 yard distance covering bounds.

"Shit. If only I had super speed to avoid this."

"Oh wait...dammit."

Chris with a smug nod. You just know the prick is going to go around bragging he beat this super powered jerk in a fist fight and leave out this little detail.

Chris takes a load off.

Forget something...?

Pfft... Consistency.

The pile of beams begin to stir.

That's quite a kisser. Did Wesker get one of those viruses spliced with a flounder?

Despite trying to act hardass, Wesker stumbles about like someone recovering from a night of partying.

Chris learned from Leon's mistakes and just doesn't even bother with one-liners. Or any sort of personality whatsoever...

Thank you, science.

Wait... So being set completely on fire he could just shrug off. But a quick explosion completely fucks up his face?

Chris counts his blessings that Wesker decided he was too cool for guns following his resurrection.

"And don't be surprised if I sound completely different."

"You've got it!"

Wesker is really into the prospect of the Remake.

Thus they never met again. Steve was never resurrected. And everyone forgot about Wesker's fucked up burn ward face. And they all lived happily ever after.

Chris rushes back toward the original ending.

Places. Ready...?

And... ACTION!

"This place was supposed to explode like ten minutes ago. What is this, Dragonball Z?"

Meanwhile, Alexia's rather pointless ant colony infesting the giant space turd go up in flames. Flames which were present eight minutes ago and are just now finishing the job...

The elevator finally reaches the bottom. Claire was kind of a bitch not to send it back down for him after she reached the top...

I mean, would it have been that hard to hit down and slip out the door before it went down the shaft? My brother did this once when I visited Wisconsin. I gave him such an Indian Rugburn afterwards.

I'm surprised Claire isn't flying this thing herself. If Steve can fly a cargo plane, she should be able to handle a jet.

What's this?

Hey, it was only a thirty foot span and a twenty foot drop, all propelled by a massive explosion. He should be fine.

"Except for all those times I didn't keep my promises to the point where breaking my promises was my signature phrase..."

Nothing like a cute chuckle at the expense of your brother who'd just likely broken all his ribs and has severe internal bleeding.

Chris climbs into the jet and they take off.

"Claire, stop fucking with the missile controls!"

"Aren't you in college... In another state? Look, that one night I snuck into your dorm wasn't to visit you, okay."

"Our taxes?"

"Did you refuel this thing on the flight from South America all the way to here...?"
"Fuck..."

Thanks, pricks...

On the Epilogue...

"Are you sure selling our stocks in Umbrella Inc. will take the company down?"
"Look, I've got it on good authority it'll work."
"Jesus, sis. How long have you been wearing those clothes now? The game ended a month ago..."

Claire Redfield, satisfied having found her less than lost brother, invested in a cell phone contract for the two to avoid any mishaps like this in the future.

Months later, in an ironic twist, she became the spokesmodel for a designer line of rain umbrellas to pay for her college tuition and feed her growing green herb habit.

Chris Redfield went on to fish. Yep, that's it. Fish...

Albert Wesker went on to discover he could not pilot a nuclear submarine. He was not heard from again for six years...

As for Steve Burnside? He went on to rot in the deepest fieriest pits of hell alongside his family, where they toil in eternal burning anguish and suffering to this very day.

I love a happy ending...

Bonus Content

Alexia Gets Shat Out:
Video

Alexia's True Form:
Video

Resident Evil Code: Veronica X Ending:
Video

The Final Log of D.I.J. Hero Mouse:

If you look closely, he's right in the bottom left corner when Chris sees Wesker and Claire. Video only. I couldn't get a shot of him for a cap.

Less than flattering if a mouse can keep up with Chris at full sprint.

"Well, it was head-to-head in the blonde guy slammed his head over and over sort of sense."

D.I.J. knows how things tick, yo. Though, this brings up an interesting point. Were all of Wesker's alleged men in that submarine the whole time? None of them could have popped out the top and mowed down Chris after the tides turned? Or at least surrounded him so he and Chris could have a fair asswhipping fight? Pricks.

It's The End of the Thread As We Know It:

And I feel fine. Actually, I need a shower and a shot of vodka. You've been a great audience and it's been fun. Tune in next time for...