Part 9: Episode IX: Space MADNESS
Episode IX: Space MADNESS
When last we left our hero, he was having a mumble-off with his CO over a radio. With that said, let's see how Chinese McKungfu is fairing...
We are treated to yet another character swap. This one is an excuse to have us endure...
Another sewer level! This is the B2 Waterways. So it is apparently the sewer of the previous sewer.
The goal is once again a lift. I'm surprised the developers didn't just take the first sewer, mirror it, and call it a new stage.
This cesspool manages to be even more annoying than the previous one.
There is a locked Administration room at the northern part of the area. Since this is Resident Evil, one must simply get into this room for something of mild importance.
To do that, Fongling must go all the way to the south part of the area and find this fellow. Next to an electronically locked door.
Looks like one of the two zombie models this area has to offer. But, if you say so.
With the key in hand, Fong must go all the way back to the administration room to unlock it.
From there, she's able to unlock that door by the corpse with the key.
Thanks, Dead Aim. I really enjoyed going through the same area almost four times just to unlock a door.
Fongling then just has to make it across a canal with a shit load of zombies to make it to the exit. I'd like to mention that zombies cannot climb stairs. The trouble is, you cannot look down. So basically, you've got about a tenth of the screen in which you can possibly shoot a zombie below you, as it bobs back and forth off the screen. So in this situation, you're fucked if you go up the wrong set of stairs.
I've never been so happy to see a copy and pasted elevator in my life.
Fongling descends to the next level.
Which is, of course, the heliport located in the third level basement.
I now warn you, things get really stupid from this point. You will not be the same after this. You have been warned... 
It seems Fongling changed from a white shirt to a metallic stripper shirt in the transition to the Uncanny Valley.
To Dead Aim's credit, I will applaud them for not having a helicopter exploding at any point in the game.
Though, Umbrella is getting a demerit for having a secret base with a heliport in the middle of a huge several hundred feet deep open shaft. And having said heliport being in the shape of the company logo.
Huh?
Oh, for fuck sake! Who hacked through the sky box?
Yes, that is a laser sight you're seeing. A laser sight from fucking outer space.
I have no words...
Bruce? What?
Hick out of fucking nowhere!
Bruce uses his magical powers of flight to travel to a whimsical adventure in Neverland.
Yes, you just witnessed a Chinese Ion Cannon trying to assassinate Fongling for no reason other than her mission happens to have been aborted...
Are they dead? Please be dead.
Dammit!
Meanwhile... In outer space.
"China has a very rong memory, Mista Bower."
Bruce and Fong take refuge in the small security building that is still in the huge shaft within direct firing range of the laser cannon. It occurs to neither of the pair to just turn around and run back into the three story thick sewer area until the satellite passes out of range.
Little do they know, the death ray can not only utilize laser sights from outer space. It can also scan sideways from outer space like something out of War of the Worlds.
Fortunately, the Chinese Doom Ray was only implemented to fry personnel from orbit. Not to do any actual infrastructure damage or anything of, ya know, real use.
Bruce pulls a knife out of his ass. Literally.
"Now, woman. It tolds you I ain't want none of your chinamen laser blasters Star Wars business in my house!"
"I TOLDS YOU!"
Bruce doesn't even know anymore.
"This all started when I met you. I was just supposed to kill some nancy leather clad idiot and go home. Next thing I know there's fucking zombies, the guy I'm chasing turns into a monster woman, frog men, and I get slapped by beef jerky. Maybe if I kill you, I'll wake up from this dream... This nightmare... Maybe if I kill you I'll be set free..."
"Maybe you're not even real. Maybe Morpheus killed me and this is all just my purgatory. No person can possibly be that stereotypically Chinese. No. You're not real. I mean look, you even have a fucking dragon tattoo!"
She's turning into a horrible demon. Bruce is on to something.
Our hero proceeds, with absolutely no precedence, to stab the shit out of his sidekick's arm. I... I...
Am taking a smoke break...
Alright... Let's try this again...
Our hero's carefully manicured hand holds up his Chinese Spy Girl item drop bounty.
He immediately steps on it dramatically.
Unfortunately for Fongling, it took fifteen minutes of random stabbing to actually find the thing.
So China developed a laser satellite which is only capable of frying maybe one or two people and only if they're standing in an open area. And it only works if there is a microchip implanted in the victim of said laser satellite.
Made in China, indeed. 
Bruce checks out the window to see if the coast is clear. Since looking out for devices in orbit is the same as checking if there's someone hiding in a bush in the backyard.
As a fair warning, the following conversation is either horribly translated or written by someone who recently suffered a stroke.
I have absolutely no idea what the hell Bruce is trying to say right here...
The mission that China is willing to blast you from space to stop? That's dedication.
Bruce doesn't know what the fuck that was supposed to mean either...
Honestly, you could have saved yourself if you didn't just stand there staring up at the sky like a turkey in the rain.
There is just a hi-larious pay off to this whole "don-gua" thing. No there isn't.
Bruce wanders off to the next area, leaving the girl he just knifed repeatedly to her own devices.
Tune in next time for endless identical warehouses, epic boss battles, and undersea bases!
Bonus Content:
Just so you know, the Chinese death ray will never come up or be acknowledged again, past this cutscene:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mcdAILfZm4