Part 11: Life as a Girl

I have an update for today but it's just a mile too long so I'll split it up and do the rest tomorrow night.


Last time we caught up with our favourite enormous-hipped bombshell Rox, she was about to check into an all-ladies bar. Of course, this place is bound to be in disarray, being that the rest of the base has just been smashed to pieces. Let's go check out the mayhem!




Well, so much for mayhem. These girls don't even seem to realise Bud was set free.



Rox decides to cash in on the situation by checking out some of the local lesbians.

She appears to be enjoying herself, watching everyone else in the bar. She refuses to meet your gaze, but instead seems focused on the bartender.

Obviously Rox is just not dyke enough for her.



Rox is far from beaten, though.

She is obviously waiting for someone else.



Totally not beaten.

You marvel at the length of the ash hanging off of her cigarette. She blows an occasional smoke ring your way, but looks like she wants to be left alone.



Still in with a chance?

The women up there seem content in each other's company. It would be rude to interrupt them.

Goddamn it Rox, you're such a fucking wimp when you're a girl.



The wires sticking out the top are a nice touch.

You sense that something is wrong with this teleporter. You decide to let someone else test it for you.



You're scraping the bottom of the barrel now, Rox.

You could rate this woman a '10', but only on the Richter scale. The telltale fault line on her backside indicates a maintenance position. The tool belt is also a good tip.



The bartender's... she's.. she's over there.. Rox?

Yech! Is she ugly. A face like that could stop a windmill on an old Dutch painting. She spends a great deal of time polishing the bar and pouring shots for that tired-looking woman on the first stool.



Rox decides to take a seat.

Repair List (0:46) - Rox witnesses a conversation between a teleporter repair woman and the bartender (bartendress?) and steals a list of teleporters that need repairs or have recently been repaired. This should give us some new destinations!





6730 and 5203 are the two important ones here.





Rox decides to buy some booze to get over the fact that he can't pick up a girl even as a girl in a bar full of lesbians. If you ask for a mixed drink, you get a bajillion options, none of which you actually buy.

Rox: I'd like a 'Sledgehammer', like Bloody Mary's makes.
Bartender: Nope. Don't know how to mix that.
Rox: I'll have a 'Burning Bunny'.
Bartender: Nope. Don't know how to mix that.
Rox: Make mine a 'Bar Rag Special.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Rox: Give me an 'Outhouse Fogger'.
Bartender: What?! Try something normal.
Rox: How about a 'Drippy Spittoon' with lemon?
Rox: I'd like a 'Flaming Kitten' on the rocks.
Rox: I'll take a 'Priest-On-Pentothal'.
Rox: Make mine a 'Chunky Vomit Puddle' straight up.
Rox: Give me a 'Crunchy Frog' and leave the bones in.
Rox: I cound go for a Gerbil-In-A-Blender on ice.
Rox: A 'Forgetful Skydiver' would really hit the spot.
Rox: I'll have a 'Steaming Turd' please. Shaken, not stirred.
Rox: Never mind.



Instead of that shit, Rox just gets a bottle instead. You have to pay with the credit chip.



Of course, you have to pick up the credit chip again because Rox won't do it by default. This is typical for adventure games. The fact that you will never need to use it again is not. You may as well just leave it here.



But a good woman never refuses free credit.



Can Rox hold her licquor?

You tear the top off, tip your head back, open your gullet AND . . . reconsider. This is serious alcohol. It could impair your ability to do what you're getting paid to do.



You are overwhelmed by night fever. You get the urge to whip off your coat and start swinging it around your head. Fortunately, sanity prevails and you decide not to draw attention to yourself.



Disgusted, Rox decides to get out of this hellhole. She doesn't need those women ANYWAY.



Rox decides to continue exploring the back passages.



"Armory"? Is that a.. basketball hoop?



Apparently it is.

Obviously this corridor serves some purpose other than transportation. The backboard looks well used.

I swear, you let a bunch of women design a hallway and it ends up with fucking traffic lights and a basketball hoop.



I think at this stage the game's designers just said "fuck it" and started drawing shit to go in the hallways.

It appears that this light was installed to aid in refereeing games. It lights up whenever someone scores. If you had one of these, it would be continuously dark.

Is the narrative insulting your ability to play basketball, or your ability to pick up women? Either way I don't like it.



The simulated coach lamp looks like something your decorator would install.



These cannon balls add to the distinctly military feeling of this corridor. They look ceremonial, but you still would not want to meet one travelling a thousand feet per second.

Ceremonial cannon balls? I got nothin' here, folks.



Looking for a workout? The thought of carrying around several heavy metallic weights violates your religious hatred for exercise.



Let's just get inside this "armory". If that's what it really is.



Are you fucking shitting me? Rox, of course, just walks straight into the door. This screen is just one enormous brainfart.





Is that a... giant hamburger? Christ almighty.



Holy shit, it actually is an armory. Actually, scratch that. It's an armory/powder room. I can't believe I just wrote that.



Look at the size of that missile! It's so long and hard. Wait a second! That kind of stuff has never stimulated you before. You'd better hope that the Gender Bender machine is still working.

I wonder if they had even one female on the design team for this game.



Welcome to the armory, Rox. Hope you enjoy the enormous powder puff container.

This is obviously the means of bulk application for the baby powder.



Yup, a gigantic tomato. Welcome to the armory/powder room/greengrocers.

It looks a bit like a tomato, but it's actually much heavier. Looking at the numeral stenciled on the front you determine that this must be a one-ton tomato (as opposed to, say, a five-ton tomato).



Baby powder? This was definitely an armory stocked by the female side of the Great Gender War. You briefly entertain a chauvinistic thought, but are quickly humbled by the simple fact that they DID win the war.

Yah, I pretty much had the same thought about the tomato.



This must be a means of egress from the armored vehicle.

Let me guess, it's just a big foundation holder or something.



In the chest you see a variety of useless items, and a shiny device which you immediately recognize as a target module.



Finally, something useful in here.





They sure don't make grenades like they used to. It looks like this one has been injected with plant fertilizer.

Why does it look like that? Because it's green?



Rox hatches up a devious plan!

You quickly reconsider pulling the pin on the huge grenade. You imagine how long it would take you to get out of this complex before the arsenal blew the whole place into the stratosphere. You decide to continue breathing for a few more years.

Blowing up the Gender Bender sure would be a pity too.



This appears to be ground transport, able to negotiate all variety of terrain. If only you knew how to drive one.



Surveying the room, Rox picks out the one piece of equipment she most desires!

You have no need for a 'peace-keeper'.



Fine, this anvil will do instead.

Boy! Are you ever ambitious! Do you know what a double hernia is? Try taking things that weigh less than you do.

Funnily enough, you get the same scolding if you try to take the girls' second-most lethal weapon, the dreaded tomato.



Rox has seen enough. We will never come back to that armory again, I promise. You can see a teleporter in the next room.





A message engraved on the statue's hand reads: "You must be at least this high to enter the teleporter."

Why? Does it not teleport you or something?



Let's check out one of these addresses!



This teleporter is mentioned on the repair list. Two other teleporters apparently needed "minor adjustments". Let's check one of them out.

Flight Centre (0:43) - Rox teleports to an abandoned flight centre. Apparently "minor adjustments" can be pretty deadly in this world. We can not teleport here until we become manly young Rex again.



Rox decides to give the other teleporter a try. Why not, what else could go wrong?



Appearing in a large city, Rox stops to take notice of her surroundings.

Uh oh. You are less disturbed by the skeleton itself than by the fact that no one has removed it.

That's actually an eerily good point...



Let's check out the elevator - beats walking!

This appears to be an elevator shaft. The distinct lack of an elevator renders the shaft useless.

Or walking is good, too.



Let's check this city out.



This city is actually really kinda cool. What is not told here is that the city is actually built inside a dormant volcano crater in the middle of the ocean. This is obviously the men's city.



The sign reads: "Don't even THINK of parking here" in huge letters and "Falmouth Department of Public Works" in small letters.

Hahaha, right next to the parked car. Classy.



This sidewalk and street continue into a large metropolis. The size of the city worries you a bit. It would be easy to get lost here. You decide to use the car and not stray too far from it.



The building is in reasonably good shape. Apparently no one paid any attention to the "post no bills" request.

Good to see you can rely on men to break even their own rules.



Rox hops inside the car. Time to go exploring!



Forgive me for spoiling the surprise when I tell you that the car won't move for a girl. I'll stop the update here and finish it off tomorrow, where we continue the thrilling adventures of Rox, the world's wimpiest girl!