Part 14: Machopolis
We rejoin the cute and cuddly male version of Rex as he begins to explore Machopolis, the city of men. We spend the majority of the rest of the game here in Machopolis, which actually has almost as many visitable areas as the rest of the game combined. Unfortunately every one of these areas but one has the same theme song.
One quick penis check later and we're on our way!
97% power failure. Fantastic. This car can only go to nine destinations in the entire city, including the one we're at now.
Car (0:55) - Rex cycles through the potential destinations, before deciding upon 226 Biceps Way. I didn't make that name up. The men in this town were fucking real men, man.
Welcome to man town. We have a really manly software store, a toilet-shaped restaurant and a hoverbike. This city rocks!
Rex decides to do a bit of staring. Rex likes staring.
Judging by the shape of the building you conclude that it must be some kind of research laboratory. The large microscope on it's roof serves as a subtle hint.
The software store sign looks like a large monitor. You suspect, in your sly and clever way, that it is not a REAL monitor, but is in fact a facade! HA! Nobody can pull anything over on Rex Nebular!
This is probably the best narrative comment in the game.
Rex checks out the "Jean Bidet's Xcreetza Hut" - because toilet humour always has a place.
You wouldn't seriously consider eating at an 'X-creetza Hut' franchise would you? Think about it.
Think about it. The real question is, why is the toilet seat down in man town?? I want my damn money back.
According to the readouts in the car, this must be the Barnett motel. You of course have better things to do just now than sleep, so your interest in the motel is short-lived.
Rex is a busy man, after all. Things to do and places to be, and all that.
Of course, riding the airbike is another story!!
Wow! An honest-to-goodness air bike! You haven't seen one of these babies since you were a kid. To bad the thing is old and rusted, you would love to take this beast for a ride.
Rex decides to head into the research laboratory, perhaps to catch up on all he's forgotten about phosphatides?
That looks like an enormous spear about to joust the shit out of a doll.
Oh, a Laser Cannon. About to zap the shit out of a doll.
This is a BIG laser cannon. From all the hoses you assume it's liquid-cooled and connected directly to the city's power grid. This is one beast you wouldn't want to get in the way of.
It's a... girl doll, right? Man. Those men must have been pretty pissed at the women for that whole attempting to wipe them off the face of the planet and replace them with bent females thing.
I'll bet it's not a REAL monitor
Nothing gets past me!The monitor is blank. It's obviously off.
That's right, folks, a Spinach Patch Doll. Because Cabbage Patch Dolls were just hovering around and waiting for an oppurtunity to sue the developers of a commercial flop video game.
It appears someone has left a small doll here on the pedastal. Perhaps they thought it was just too cute? You suppress an urge to set the doll alight. You've always hated these things.
Rex looked at the doll, then the lever. A bead of sweat streaked down his brow. His hand seemed to suddenly itch. He barely dared to breath - as though with the slightest action he would lose control...
This little lever is unmarked. It is unclear what it's function is.
A massive switch, the only one on a gigantic laser. You're not fooling anyone Rex, you know exactly what that damn switch is.
..Rex? REX?! Oh God...
Rex has lost it folks. It's all downhill from here.
Neat, it's like a laser/flamethrower.
The flame focuses into a laser beam which blows the fuck out of the Spinach Patch Doll.
Wow! You have ALWAYS wanted to shred one of those stupid dolls. Of course, the laser was built for continuous fire operation and is still on.
Oh, of course.
Great plan, Rex. Stare at the absurdly high-powered laser beam.
It looks like a good thing to avoid.
Somewhere, to this day, there is a Sierra designer unable to sleep because it is not possible to make Rex walk into the laser beam in this game.
Hahaha, this is the best plan yet.
Oh sure. Just reach up and grab it, right? You shake your head a bit, and as your brain settles back into its cradle the last few critical neural connections are made. You decide not to try to grab the beam.
Awwww.
According to this monitor, the laser is producing about a terrawatt of optical energy. The continuous updates on the monitor show extreme temperature variation. This is one serious cannon!
Good thing we used it TO BLOW UP A DOLL THEN
Well, we've massacred a doll and are now draining the remaining power from this ghost city with no way of stopping the leakage (no, pushing the lever doesn't work). I guess our work here is done!
Time to get some code, maaan
Machoprose. Yes, Machoprose.
This must signify the 'blue light special' the store was running on selected software.
Rex is determined to steal some source of light by the end of this game. Burgerfish doesn't count.
You have always wanted one of these for your bedroom. You had better find yourself a new bedroom first.
That thing probably would have started a fire in your old bedroom anyway, man.
"Sahara Off-line"? Man, Ken Williams just got drilled hardcore.
You struggle for a minute on the first few letters, but you eventually manage to sound out all the words.
This shelf is covered with word processors, spreadsheets, databases, communications packages, and other boring items.
Man, remember in Space Quest 4 where you can buy the SQ4 hintbook ingame and you actually need it to pass the game? That was an awesome puzzle. Nothing to do with this here, I just got reminded of it.
Hmmm. A flight sim, an adventure game, a 'pretend-you're-in-a-movie' game, a 'gee-I-wish-I-really-knew-how-to-use-a-sword' game, and various other escapist entertainment packages adorn the walls here.
But not a 'let's-look-at-various-native's-pixellated-titties' game?
Now we're getting somewhere!
The cash register doesn't have a 'no sale' key, so you decide not to embarrass yourself by spending hours trying to figure out how to get the drawer open.
Are you fucking kidding me? Men are dead dude, there is nobody here to see you fail.
This is either a self-referential pun or a dig at a rival software company, I guarantee it.
You are surprised to see that "Polyester Suit Peter" is still around. You dream of starring in your own action-packed graphic adventure some day.
Or both. Damn I'm good. I didn't even plan that or anything
The old software runs on a computer platform that hasn't been available in decades. You had better visit a store that has updated its inventory this century.
The implication is clear - Sierra is yesterday's news and
Has Rex finally found something actually useful in this screen?
It is a small metal cylinder with a bulb at one end.
What the hell, it's better than anything else we've found in here.
I hope this won't realise we stole the penlight...
These appear to be anti-shoplifting sensors. Walking through them with an unpaid-for software package would probably be unwise.
What, would it summon the police? THEY'RE DEAD, DAMMIT!
That's literally the whole reason to come here, to get a penlight. Perhaps they were taking a snide dig at the uselessness of video games? Or maybe they just had to put something in the room and that was all they could come up with.
Time to continue on our merry way throughout Machopolis!
I will continue traipsing through the manly city tomorrow. The other seven areas don't have quite as much to see and do so we'll get through them relatively quickly.