Part 15: Fit The Thirteenth : I Want To Marry A Lighthouse Keeper

Fit The Thirteenth : I Want To Marry A Lighthouse Keeper


After the years where the town was wracked by debts, organised crime and decapitated llamas, it's reputation was not so great. But the debts were paid off, crime was once again disorganised, and the Fez Brothers were told in no uncertain terms that if they kept beheading South American beasts of burden in the city limits, they would be on the next boat to Dullsville or wherever the fuck we were sending our trash these days.


Armed with my cash in the bank and Maria's last police coverage report, I started messing around with the police force. A few houses would have to go for the new Second Precinct station, but it would be able to serve Ashy Bend - even though there was a big stupid lake between the old town and the new suburb. Oh well, they could all have boats I guess.


And there it went. Not far from the hospital (we'd have to build another one of those at some point) and just down from my house.


Further south, the road around City High was realigned to better serve the proposed new First Precinct station, which would be placed across the road from the high school so the students wouldn't get any bright ideas.


It was also able to cover the whole of Downtown and the Port estates so the thin blue line now extended over most of the residents of the city.


This made the original Funkytown police station redundant, but after serving the community for nearly two decades it'd served reasonably well in its time. Plus having two stations would add to competition between the precincts for results, which may or may not be a good thing.

I popped into the new station soon after it was built to see how everyone was going on.


Maria was pretty pleased with the new facilities but she still had concerns that the factory areas were not covered sufficiently.


That was something everyone would have to live with, though, the police budget had doubled overnight so a third station would be really pushing it. Aside from that, everything was routine.


Business owners and residents complaing about high taxes as usual.


And of course Randall wanted some new educational facility built in the town, this time a museum. I didn't mind that idea, it'd probably fill the gap left by the old police station and it could host an exhibition celebrating my vast achievements. We didn't quite have the money for it at the moment, however.

I was walking down the footpath when I nearly got skittled by some kids on their skateboards. I yelled at them a bit but I was taken aback when one of them stopped and kicked the board into his hands and approached me. His droogs also stopped but stood back and watched.

Oh hey it's Mr B!

Uhh, is that Nate?

The one and the same.

Doesn't anyone ever grow up in this place?

I dunno, I've been repeating the same year for ages but it never gets old. Anyway, I've got a bright idea Mr B!



Uh, that is extraordinarily civic-minded of you.

Yeah, well, someone's gotta care about the homeless.

I ran the idea past Constance when I returned to the office.



Don't be such a cynic, Connie!

It's a good idea, but don't go thinking that they're being purely altruistic about it. They are teenagers after all.

It wouldn't cost that much, and it'd get the bums off the street, so I directed the council to pass it at the next meeting. Nate was actually right outside city hall grinding the edges off the stonework steps when I was leaving for the day.

Hey Nate! We're going to take that idea of yours seriously.



What? You think I stink?

Sorry, I mean I wasn't really expecting you to take us seriously.

Of course not, I take everything serious. NOW STOP SCRAPING YOUR GODDAMN PLANKS AROUND CITY HALL!


Ashy Bend now looked a little bland, if quite distinguished. I placed another train station so they were catered for in the department.


Crime had made a bit of a dip since the new police stations were built, but it was nothing dramatic.


A couple of copycat department buildings had set up next to city hall, I thought they looked a little dingy, but they gave substance to the area.


I had some minor earthworks and tree planting carried out to get rid of the power pylons and such near Sledgehammer Circle, as I got sick of looking at them from my mansion.


Randall was bugging me about libraries, as was his wont.


but I couldn't see a problem, they were still quite adequate.


But thinking about it, we could use another school, however, so I approved the construction of Vincent Square Primary. I made Moe angry/sad that I'd inadvertantly planted it on the corridor for the extension of Deadmeat Street, however it was done, I wasn't going to shift it. It would break up the street grid at least.


At least Randall gave VSPS the thumbs-up.


I had an interesting petition from some of the prisoners on Penis Peninsula Penitentiary, claiming that the constant wrecks of garbage barges depositing crap all over the tip of the penisula... er, peninsula was making the area very stinky, and could be considered a violation of the prisoner's human rights.

I thought "what?"


Not only that, and that a certain section of the community was fully aware that a lighthouse had been available to us for quite a few years, and they really really really wanted to see it built. Mad. OK, I knew where I wanted it built, but a petition had been started requesting that it be erected at the tip of the peninsula.


As the new year rolled over, I thought, what the hell, and did as they requested. It'd guide ships away from the point, it did kind of look cool on the harbour, and perhaps, as a symbol of the freedom to travel, it'd form some kind of psychological torture for the inmates as they gazed upon it.


Of course I had to give it an appropriate name, owing to its location.


No wonder it attracted the Love Boat.


I noticed some honking big shopping mall had set up down on Deadmeat Street, the owners rather ill-advisedly decided to call it the Deadmeat Market.


I mean, I had to wonder who was approving this crap at the Hall.


Never mind. Even after the lighthouse was built, we had enough cash left over for that museum that Randall wanted, so it was built where I suggested.


And it seemed the plebs enjoyed being indoctrinated into the heretical thinkings of Darwin.


Further decadence was on display down by the riverside.


Apparently they offered all kinds of services, but when I went down to get a massage I ended up getting my kidneys pummelled by a large Swedish woman.


Twenty years had passed, and we were still doing well. Budget was in the black,


The population was slowly but surely growing (aside from the odd mass exodus to the odd pointless war) and everything was nice.


And, as we entered 1920, I was informed by Moe and Gus that we had two new things we could blow extra cash on. Bus stops, which would give us a cheap new way to deal with heavy traffic and make Marcia the earring woman happy, and incinerators, which would make everyone happy, plus reduce the amount of garbage we had to ship out. Incinerators weren't cheap, however, and you wouldn't want to have them too close to town.


(click for bigger)

Nevertheless, development continues apace!