Part 20: Fit The Seventeenth : Holidays On Ice

Fit The Seventeenth : Holidays On Ice
Much to Maria's relief, I approved the construction of two new police stations.


One just to the east of the city, south of the new college. I wasn't sure what I was going to do in the area around it.


The other one was placed to the southeast end of Port Funkytown across from the train station there, people had taken to calling that area Bunkleyville, as if I had anything to do with it.


And thus the town was much better covered, including all housing.


This ought to have some effect on the crime rate, which was currently sitting at 15. Fifteen of what, I didn't know, but apparently we could do better.


Randall came in with the glums, wanting a new hospital somewhere.


So I put in a new school instead. Shortly after Greta bugged me with yet another poem about how cool I was, which I found quite tiresome.


The new police stations were performing well.


Causing a dramatic effect on the crime rate within months.


The next move was to actually build another fire station. One was built downtown.


Whilst the other one was relocated a couple of blocks out in the other direction to improve its coverage. The gap left vacant in its place could stay that way for a while.


Notably, the police and fire budgets were still quite reasonable, in spite of the recent doubling of each.


Mortimer was usually kept pretty busy in the finance department down at city hall, but he generally didn't have much to complain about, especially with the rate the cash was flowing in.


I started trying out some different street layouts in Bunkleyville, partly because I wanted to break up the grid stretching all along the shoreline and partly because I got my kicks from seeing my citizens get lost.


Another soccer pitch was laid down not far from Memorial Park. I wasn't sure how many clubs were set up in town these days, though I believed there was a local league which included teams from the neighbouring cities and beyond.


The initial plots in Bunkleyville was settled within months and had quite an impact on the whole city's population.


I hadn't had any interesting proposals for a while so when one finally landed on my desk I was a bit startled. Apparently this was something the Fez Brothers had cooked up, which made me feel a bit dubious about the idea, given their reputation for mutilating animals just for the hell of it. Nevertheless, I'd assess it on its merits.

Morning, Feargal. It's been a while.

Yes, it has.

So what's this "Winter Wonderland" biznat?



What, your idea of fun is falling on your arse on a frozen lake while wearing boots that could sever your jugular if you fall on your arse in the wrong way? Oh wait, your idea of fun also includes butchering llamas.

You're not a romantic then.

I fail to see what's romantic about risking frostbite and hypothermia. Randall, I suppose you're going to along with this because you're such a whacky zany guy.



Yeah, I thought as much. Oh well, whatever flips your lid. I reckon we could stick it next to the museum where the old fire station used to be.



You and your goddamn parks.

We'd actually run out of the year's supply of money by that stage in the year, so this "Winter Wonderland" thing would have to wait until next winter. We still had a little money for a couple of other things, however.



Such as a road to connect Bunkleyville with the Smokestack district. God knows why.


Ian popped in and made some noises about the supposed high taxes, maybe he thought he'd get me at a moment of weakness and suddenly change the rates for the first time in nearly three decade.

Fat chance, Ian.

Oh well, it was worth a try. I'd also like to say that I am deeply concerned about this conservation corp that you insist on fostering. Many of my fellow factory owners have complained about these do-gooders cleaning up the city, and worse, casting aspersions about our slagheaps and smokestacks and tut-tutting us on. Sir, as capitalists, we should be able to go about our trade without being fettered by these idealistic youths.

At least they're not spraypainting tags on your factory walls. Never mind that you lot are going to have to clean up your act eventually, because, one, that shit stinks, and two, as our citizens become more educated, they aren't going to be as content to breath in soot every day.

You have put up many incinerators and coal plants yourself, you are barely in a position to pontificate.

Well you've got me there. Umm.

Ha-ha! I've got you there!

Ian left in an ecstatic state of petty triumph, and my last appointment for the day was with Sophia.

Ahhh, Sophia, come on in. What's on your mind.

I think you should build a zoo.

Is this another of your elaborate come-ons?

Nothing of the sort! I mean I honestly think you should build a zoo.

Oh. Why?



OK, a zoo, I got it. Well, we're got a few suitable locations, I might do something about in the next year or so.

Oh, that would be delightful. Phoebe will be so excited.

Hang on, what do you mean you're a mother? When the hell did that happen?

You should know, you're the father.

I'm a father? When the hell did that happen?

Several years ago. Remember when...

Wait, I've been a father for several years and you didn't even bother to tell me?

Yes! But I would've thought you'd have guessed. Phoebe looks so much like you. My husband thinks otherwise, of course, but he suspects nothing.

At that point, I had no option but to faint and collapse. Which I did.

Oh well, the shock that I'd managed to fling some wild oats about - and cuckold Sophia's husband - had worn off by the new year. It might've been funny if it wasn't for the fact I suddenly had a seven-year-old kid. One night of passion, a lifetime of complications. Jesus. I couldn't even remember having it off with Sophia. Which was a pity, really.


Oh well, it wouldn't affect my mayoring. Tell you the truth, I'd heard one or two rumours from the grapevine about my supposed sexual prowess, which I found hilarious for all the wrong reasons, but I just assumed that the reputation stemmed from my mad city management skills.

But, now we could put in that rink!


It looked pretty neat next to the museum, actually.


And now for some radical surgery on Railway Terrace. That is, the railway was to be put underground.


Since we had sufficient funds to put in a short subway system, I started by taking out Vincent Square station and putting the first subway station in its place.


Another two stations were placed at Garden Square and Main Street, and the ground rail removed.


However, both ends of the subway would connect with the above ground network, with two sub-rail connections.


And so the beginnings of the Funkytown Metro were established.


Furthermore, a second carriageway was added to the old right-of-way next to the existing Railway Terrace, turning it into which would need a new name. I was scratching my head as to what to call it now that there was no railway there any more, when some bright spark piped up during the meeting and suggested I call it "Bovine Boulevard"! Before I could object, the city planners had already gazetted the new name, so the city's grand avenue came to be named after friggin' cows. Great. This in a city that couldn't even keep hold of its farms for more than a week.

Orville returned again with another proposal for something BIG. This turned out to be quite appropriate given Funkytown's location.



A geyser, eh? That makes sense, considering the volcano and all. Let me tell Randall, he's gonna go nuts about this. Hey Randy, check this out!



Well, I see no reason to knock it back. We'll take it.



OK, so how much is this thing going to cost us, Orville?

Only about ten thousand simoleons.



Hmm. It's probably worth it to stop Firetop Mountain blowing its top.

The residents at times didn't appreciate all the crap their taxes were buying them, and occasionally dropped in to complain.


Typically the complainant was Bernie.

Of course I brushed him off, because, well, I needed the cash to build things.


In November a heap of trucks came in to set up the ice skating rink.


And over December it was a hit with the kiddies. Including my own, funnily enough. And, actually the oldies didn't mind it either.


For whatever reason, whenever the power plants were running at 70% of capacity (i.e. with 30% left) Gus had to come and bug me about it. I couldn't see the problem, we probably had a year or two before I needed to have a new one built.


The cookie-cutter mania of the urban designers once again manifested itself on the block next to Winter Wonderland, somehow I thought it appropriate to heritage list the block so it'd stay that way.


As the city rolled into its fourth decade, it was generating absurd amounts of cash, though at this stage everything new that was available or feasible was also carrying big price tags. Noting the mass transit budget, even the short subway line attracted a fair maintanence allocation. Something to note in expansion plans for it, as I'd probably be better off keeping the routes to busier parts of town.


We didn't seem like we were going to go broke any time soon, however. I was even starting to think about demolishing the Penitentiary and reclaiming Penis Peninsula for the People.


And so, whilst storm clouds began to hover around the world due to the recent stock market crash and associated crises, Funkytown wouldn't stop, couldn't stop.

Or so I would like to believe.