Part 42: Page 42
After a quick stop upstairs to turn on the tank we placed earlier...
Wilco : Frosta la keister, baby!
Narrator : Wow! It worked. This dude's in a deep freeze. But now what are you going to do with him?
Well, obviously - smash him with the pipe from earlier!
Narrator : Cool. Laying a solid blow upside the head of the frigid felon has reduced him to cubes. He's not too hard to handle now.
Pick up the pieces with the dustpan we happened to have by default...
Narrator : You quite cleverly whisk the cubed culprit into your dustpan. It's going to be tough to carry him this way, though.
... And then transfer them into the ice tray we grabbed from the bar fridge.
Narrator : Very good. He'll be much more transportable this way. However, you'd better hpoe it doesn't thaw.
Put the ice tray back into the bar fridge for a couple seconds, and then we're done with him.
Blaine : No bull?! You really got him, eh? Uh, I mean, good job.
Roger : Yeah, I really got him. And I could really use my fifty buckazoids.
Blaine : Tell you what. I'll pay you when they pay me.
Roger : No, I need the money now, or I let the guy thaw right here, right now.
Blaine : Now, just a minute! You don't wanna do that! Hold on to your alimentary contents! I got it here. I got it here.
Blaine : Here, you happy? I'll just be taking that tray. It's been a special treat doin' business with you.
Off to the arcade...
Djurkwhad : Say. Pardner, care to indulge in a friendly game?
Djurkwhad : By the way, the name's Djurkwhad. What's your momma call you?
Wilco : A mistake. But my friends call me Roger, Roger Wilco.
Djurkwhad : Well, it's darn fine to meet you, Roger. So, what do ya' say to a friendly little round of Stooge Fighter 3?
Wilco : Gosh, Mr.Djurkwhad. That, ah, that sounds neat.
Continuing the long history of fucking retarded mini-games - here we have Stooge Fighter 3. In order to advance the game you have to play (and lose) twice - each game takes two or three minutes.
And to add misery to boredom, it's designed to be impossible to win.
Bravo, Sierra!
Wilco : Yeah, like I need you rubbing it in.
Narrator : Sorry.
Elmo : Oh, yeah, that. I hoped to forget that. It was the beginning of my undoing. I was a laughing stock around the company in the final days of Scumsoft. Oh well, if that hadn't gotten me, some of my other creative management techniques would have.
Elmo : In looking at the big picture. I suppose that arrangement left me with all of my physical assets intact. Not a single other thing, unfortunately. I'm humiliated to admit that I have, on rare occasion, resorted to selling cheat sheets for arcade games.
Elmo : I've got to maintain a fairly, uh, modest profile. I guess you could say. Time heals wounds and all that. Plus, maybe I can avoid a premature termination.
Wilco : Wow, that's all very interesting.
Wilco : And very boring, if you don't mind my saying. What I want to know is, can you sell me a cheat sheet for Stooge Fighter 3?
Elmo : Well, I think I may be able to facilitate that. I may have one in stock. Okay, here's what I need from you: a nice new bottle of Coldsorian Brandy. If you can deliver that, I think we can call it a deal.
Elmo : My people... I mean, I'll be waiting to take delivery from you so that we can put a bow on this deal. Catch you later.
Believe it or not, pulling ET's finger got you points. Yes, he farted.
Pa Conshohoken : Well, so you're interested in the good stuff, eh?
Pa Conshohoken : I'll just take that twenty. thank you. Haven't sold much of this stuff lately except to some sorry looking little pud. Oh, hey, that reminds me. He still owes me some money. Doh. I can't believe I fell for that scam. Oh well, enjoy. (Sucker!)
Give the Brandy to Elmo.
Elmo : Well, I'll take that off your hands.
Elmo : Uh, now, per our agreement, here's your cheat sheet. I'm certain you'll find the game much more interesting now.
Elmo : Also, you look like you could use this fish.
Elmo : Enjoy, Mr.Wilco. I have, uh, real important business in another part of town. Be seeing you.
Elmo : Oh, by the way. I'd appreciate if you'd not mention our meeting to anymore. Some of those purple-skulled old stockholders really hold a grudge, okay? Buh-bye.
So - to summarize the transaction, he gave us the cheat sheet and a fish.
And now that we can cheat, back to the arcade...
Djurkwhad : Heh, heh, you know, Kid, I'd really like to but I need a little more of a challenge. Take a long walk off a short asteroid, okay?
Wilco : What's the matter? Afraid a measly little pencil-neck, lowlife janitor and general waste of human life is going to embarrass you in front of your friends?
Narrator : Well said.
Djurkwhad : Hold on there, you little puke! I'm not afraid of some puny little zit on the butt of the universe.
Wilco : Djurkwhad is a scaredy cat! Djurkwhad is a scaredy car!
Djurkwhad : All right, you little wad of spit. Let's play. I'll waste you. Tell you what, let's make it interesting. If you win, I'll give you 300 buckazoids. However, if I win, you're mine to do with as I see fit. Is it a deal?
Wilco : Let's rumble.
Djurkwhad : Oh, this is gonna be fun! You're a bit puny but I'm sure I'll be able to get a few buckazoids for you over at the slave colony.
Wilco : I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you quite right. Did you say "slave colony"?
Djurkwhad : Too late to back out, Borg Breath.
Wilco : I knew that.
Enter the cheatcode...
Oooh, secret button!
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.
Wilco : Where's my money?
Djurkwhad : Here.
Djurkwhad : Now if I were you, I'd make myself scarce, you little lump of phlegm. Otherwise I'm gonna lose my temper, and all that's gonna be left of you is teeth and toenails.
Not surprisingly, Djurkwhad was all talk and seems to have run away. Some of the descriptions from the other games...
This humongous, expensive game is an all-time favorite. You have to duplicate famous gourmet dishes while piloting vintage combat aircraft against the Nazi Menace.
It's called "Secret Recipes of the Luftwaffe."
In this game, you have to play basketball in a three-piece suit, barefoot, while avoiding deadly athlete's foot fungus growing on the court. It's called "MBA Toejam."
It's last year's hot arcade punch-'em-up, "More Dull Kombat 2."
This is one of those exciting racing games where you careen around corners at top speed, zoome over crumbling bridges, run over passers-by, collide with other vehicles, and fly off the track.
It's called "Virtual Amtrak."
These Lava Screens from Magmetheus show soothing visuals while playing hot TechnoLava tunes... like, "What's Lava Got to Do With It," "You Always Hurt the One You Lava," and "Just Let Your Lava Flow."
An overhead screen advertises a new kiddy-level arcade game in which you walk around Calcutta trying to match the right body part with the leper who lost it.
It's called, "Mixed-Up Mother Teresa."
Ah well, off to the Dew Beam Inn.
Manager : REALLY?! I mean, uh, really? Well I think we got one or two for a couple a hundred buckazoids a night -- IN ADVANCE, you understand.
Wilco : I believe I have a prepaid reservation provided me by StarCon.
Manager : I've got no reservations from any StarCon. I got no reservations, period! I do a cash business. You want a room, cough up the buckazoids.
Wilco : So that's, uh, two hundred? Well, okay.
Manager : Two hundred? Don't you listen, Son? I said THREE hundred. That's three hundred a night. And that don't include any weird pets. Them's extra.
Wilco : I could've sworn you said...
Manager : You calling me a liar? I don't need no guff from the likes of you. This is the finest lodging on the planet, Son. If you don't like the prices you can just take your sorry pinkish carcass outta here.
Wilco : Well, uh, three hundred? Okay. Uh, but give me your finest room then.
Manager : The finest room. Yeah, right. You got it, Buckaroo. The best in the house. (Hee)Comin right up. Pay up and we're in business.
Manager : Okay, Son. You just scribble your ol' Bill Shatner on the register screen and I'll get your keycard. It's as fine a room as you'll find on this orb.
Narrator : You have a brief moment of what you think is cleverness.
Narrator : You decide to wittily sign the name "Fronzel Neekburm".
Manager : Okay, here's your keycard. Don't lose it. Room 1220J. Up the elevator.
Manager : Fronzel Neekburm. If I had a buckazoid for every time I've seen that name I'd be sittin' pretty. I could afford one of those fancy furlined doughnut thingies... uh, what was I sayin'?
Manager : Anyway, enjoy your stay. If you need anything, don't hesitate to tell someone.
Wilco : Gee, thanks. Say, could you tell me where...
Manager : I'm a real busy guy, Son. You got any questions, why dontcha just go find the Chamber of Commerce and talk to them? I'm sure they'll be glad to help you out. Be seeing ya.
Ah, technology.
Wilco : Fire away. What did you want to know?
Nigel : Well, we was wondering if you'd have any objection to us pounding you senseless.
Nigel : Grab him and let's get moving. I gotta report in soon.
Signent : Hey, Nigel, let's get back to it, huh?! We got things to do and places to go.
Singent : Now just sit there and be still and be quiet, Little Man. I've got some things to fininsh, before I finish you.
MonkeyforaHead posted:
So are we missing any amusing deaths if you let the Endodroid thaw out?
Narrator : You pick strange methods of getting a charge out of life.
This is from one of the frames for that Gif :
Boy, do I know THAT feeling.
Mafialligator posted:
You also skipped the World of Wonders new digs on Polysorbate, with the Abby Normal brain for sale. He explains the whole "moddy" system.
1
Fester Blatz : Brain Dead(tm) products have been a staple of the homebuilt being hobbyist for decades now. They make a fine line of adaptor plugs which allow for cross-species component swapping. Means you'll be able to pick up parts anywhere other beings exist. Nice deal, eh?
They also make a pretty fine "moddie". Get tired of what kind of mood your droid, or spouse for that matter, is in, why you just slap in one of those babies and bingo, you can modify them into a whole new attitude. Find a wife-type who won't pay some big buckazoids for that!
Too bad the sale of them is illegal. About all I do is trade for 'em. It's one of them loopholes, guess you could say. Kinda developed a hobby of collectin' the suckers.
2
Narrator : Wow, an Apple II+ running Biorhythyms! You thought IBM had rounded all those up and landfilled them decades ago back when Apple started the push open home computing to the public, making it fun and accessible.
3
Fester Blatz : Yeah, I just got them in a few months ago. Fresh from the harvesting facility. Genuine Dumb(tm) brand cranial stalks. Perfect for when just one or two accidental nicks from those amateur scalpels can render your homebuilt being useless as lips on a ... oh, never mind.
Just rip out that old stalk, and shove in one of these little beauties and your homebuilt being will be carrying out your bidding in no time -- guaranteed!
4
Fester Blatz : Yeah, sometimes when you do a lot of cranial work, you gotta replace the fluid so the old brain isn't just bouncin' around in there like a BB. But then, you're probably already used to that.
5
Fester Blatz : Yeah, this is the only place on the planet to get a good lobe piercing. I tell ya'. And even though we don't have to, we do use only LotShann quality body part piercing products. Less chance of pus build-up and drainage that way. That stuff tends to dull the urithrium coating on the hardware.
6
Narrator : An empty tank of Genblood sits in the dust. A generic synthetic blood which was originally designed for use as a temporary blood substitute in the event of traumatic loss, it has become a favorite in the u-build-a-beast brotherhood.
7
Fester Blatz : Them's syringes you can use with lidocaine, if you got some. Sometimes you gotta give ol' Butch a jump-start right at first.
8
Narrator : Now you know what happened to the infamous R2 line of droids. They've been reduced to carrying out the most trivial of tasks. Fester's using one for a Genblood blender. How sad.
Narrator : The R2 line of droids seemed like the hottest thing going in their day. Then they found that one little flaw in the programming. Unfortunately, the princess' personal life will never be quite the same.
9
Narrator : This one's laballed "Fresh". By the looks of things around here, fresh is a VERY relative term.
10
Narrator : Hmmmmm. What's special about this Abby Normal guy?
Good night, Mr. Feldman, wherever you are.