Part 34: Mission 35: Sixteen Tons

As soon as we were ready to mobilize again, we picked our next target. We would've liked to replace our losses first, but we had neither the time nor the money to do so. Ahead of us were key Russian iron and aluminum mines, still in the grip of the Forces of Darkness. They knew, however, that they wouldn't be able to withstand our assault. They planned, with the aid of human collaborators, to set off a series of charges that would flood the mines and render them useless. The high losses the Forces of Darkness had continually inflicted on us since the war began, combined with the loss of many of our mines, refineries, and factories, had put a serious strain on our weapons manufacturing pipelines. Taking these mines and resuming normal operations would feed our starving war industry.

Mission 35: Sixteen Tons

Attending:
Lazarus (Forlorn Hope, Flamethrowers)
Habitually Red (Sane Max's Own, Flamethrowers)
Solrick Skaft (Scion of Emer, Flamethrowers)
T. Hinman (Ethereal Corps, Flamethrowers)
Logan "Hardtack" Smith (War Dogs, Paranormal Infantry)
Joe Moore (War Boys, Paranormal Infantry)
"Doctor" Snark (Mage Killers, Commandos)
Patrick Gallagher (Just In Time, Elmag 1)
Svetlana Aliyev (Rusalka, Elmag 1)
Mael Radec (Radec's Rhinos, M1 Abrams)
Erik Spanner (The Toolbox, M1 Abrams)
James "Griff" Griffin (Party Crashers, M1 Abrams)
Basil (Paladin, M1 Abrams)
Jorji Costava (Cobrastan's Best, M1 Abrams)
Isara Gunther (Edelweiss, M1 Abrams)
Reginald P. Linux (Doom Squad, Leopard 2A5)
SGT Turtle (Turtling Tanks, Leopard 2A5)
Aethereon Darkfyre (The Mary Sues, UDES)
Stephen Smith (The Counts of Monty Python, UDES)
Anil E. Hilated, Esq. (Polite Obliteration, M106)
Grand Inquisitor Solaus (Balkanian Inquisition, AMX-30)
Gregor (The Swell Swords, AMX-30)
Michael de Boulogne (Chivalric Order of Saint George, AMX-30)
Cholmondely Featherstonehaugh-Smythe (Sphinx Battery, Roland)
Billy John (The Truther Squad, Roland)
Sigrún Raske (Skysmasher Brigade, Roland)
Billy Mays (Infomercial Men, Humvees)
Atom ikk Rab (Those From the Depths, Universal 1R)




Aethereon Darkfyre: What horrors await us to the northeast?



Stephen Smith: We got more bugs, just north!



Billy Mays: I JUST FINISHED TRYING OUT THE PATH, AND I RECOMMEND IT FOR A NICE, RELAXING DRIVE THROUGH THE WOO-



Billy Mays: JESUS WHAT IS THAT



Patrick Gallagher: Billy, talk to us! What do you see?



Billy Mays: THE FORCES OF DARKNESS ARE GIVING US A DEMONSTRATION OF THEIR BRAND-NEW WEAPONRY, FREE OF CHARGE!



Billy Mays: YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET YOUR TANKS FROM THE ALLIANCE ANYMORE! FORGET MECHANICAL TOWERS, THIS IS THE REAL DEAL FROM THE FORCES OF DARKNESS! FEATURING DUAL MAIN GUNS AND TURRET MOUNTS ON EVERY CORNER! WITH A FEW SOLID FEET OF IRON ARMOR, IT'S GOT ALL THE PROTECTION YOU NEED AGAINST SMALL ARMS FIRE, AND IT COMES WITH GIANT RAMMING TUSKS INCLUDED ABSOLUTELY FREE!
Erik Spanner: Um... so, Aethereon, why don't you tell us what we're up against!
Aethereon Darkfyre: Towering over me like the Colossus of Rome, light scintillates menacingly off of the mechanical monstrosity's obsidian armor plates, which are even and uniform like grim-faced soldiers marching in unbreaking ranks and crudely forged into a boxed shape like a soulless office building, their edges ringed by innumerable heavy rivets. The enormous barrels of its guns bore into my eyes like black voids of-
Erik Spanner: Okay, fuck it! It's a giant tank thing apparently. At least we know how to deal with tanks.



Aethereon Darkfyre: Everyone in my platoon, pick an enemy tank! There are ten of us and ten of them. We shall grant our foes honorable duels.



Billy Mays: WATCH CLOSELY AND SEE JUST HOW MUCH BETTER ALLIANCE HEAVY TANKS WORK THAN OUR COMPETITORS'!



Aethereon Darkfyre: Cowards! They brought towers in to shoot at us!



Aethereon Darkfyre: We've defeated the enemy, despite their dishonorable tactics.



Joe Moore: Just killed off the bugs. Looks clear on this end.



Aethereon Darkfyre: I'll deal with these towers. They can't scratch a UDES!



Svetlana Aliyev: More hostiles! Only a few, though, it doesn't look too ba-



Svetlana Aliyev: -aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-



Svetlana Aliyev: -fuck! Anti-tank orcs, take 'em out!



Solaus: Those rockets might hurt, but at the end of the day, they're still orcs!



Isara Gunther: Dealt with. Who's next?




Aethereon Darkfyre: It's one of those bird-things! The diving ones with bombs! I can't shoot those!



Aethereon Darkfyre: I can't hit the birds, I can't outrun them, but I've lowered my turret to hopefully ride out their attack! If I don't make it, tell Kristallie Majesticwind I love her!



Aethereon Darkfyre: I'm okay, I'm okay! These UDES are practically invincible.



SGT Turtle: Shit, wizard!



SGT Turtle: AT orcs, too! They're all ov-




Basil: Jesus Christ, those were Leopards they just wiped out!




Michael de Boulogne: They're fielding more tanks against us!
Solrick Skaft: Are those the things our scouts saw?



Hardtack: I don't think so. These things only have one gun, and it's a weird one. It funnels out at the end like an old-timey musket.



Joe Moore: Let's see how tough these things are.



Svetlana Aliyev: Found the others! It's open season!



Solaus: As a wise man once said, geek the mage first.



Gregor: Whatever this tank do, Gregor hit it first!



Anil E. Hilated: Good thing these guys skipped the whole artillery era of warfare! They haven't learned why massed infantry formations are a bad idea.



Michael de Boulogne: Tank unit destroyed. Whatever they are, they're not invincible!



Svetlana Aliyev: There. Let's hope they don't have any more unpleasant surprises for us.



Jorji Costava: Is more rocket orcs!



Jorji Costava: Musket tank!



Griff: Towers! ...That's a bit anticlimactic. Not gonna complain though.



Reginald P. Linux: Neither am I. I saw what happened when the other Leopard platoon bit off more than it could chew.



Anil E. Hilated: Luckily these aren't the sort of new weapons that kill us suddenly and horribly.



Billy Mays: WE'VE GOT BULK DISCOUNTS ON MECHANICAL TOWERS!



Billy Mays: ACT NOW, BECAUSE WITH A DEAL LIKE THIS, OUR STOCK WON'T LAST!



Jorji Costava: Is still AT orcs!



Stephen Smith: Found 'em!




Anil E. Hilated: Okay! Any more targets?



Patrick Gallagher: Let's head out and have a look.




Atom Ikk Rab: Looks clear. We might be ready to push forward.



Patrick Gallagher: Nothing to the northwest.




Cholmondely: I saw something to the north. Briefly. Then I erased it.




Billy Mays: GOT A GREAT RIVER HERE, WITH CLEAR BLUE WATER! A PERFECT PLACE FOR FISHING, SWIMMING, SUNBATHING, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!



Billy Mays: IT'S SO POPULAR, WE'VE GOT A BACKLOG. THIS WEEK IT'S ALREADY FULLY BOOKED BY THE FORCES OF DARKNESS!




Atom Ikk Rab: Found another one of their banners to the northeast. Didn't intel say the mines are just across this river? They must be making their stand there.



Erik Spanner: You know what sounds good? Setting up shop on this edge of the canyon and letting them wander into our wall of guns.



Solaus: Musket tank!
"Doctor" Snark: Is that really what we're calling them?
Lazarus: It is until Command gives them a name that's not ridiculous.





Anil E. Hilated: I'm not sure these things deserve a non-ridiculous name.



Reginald P. Linux: They've sure got plenty of them to spare, don't they?



Anil E. Hilated: Won't help them if they keep sending them one at a time.




"Doctor" Snark: They're sure making it easy on us, aren't they?



Aethereon Darkfyre: More rockets!




Aethereon Darkfyre: Nice try, wizard, but I'm already cursed!



Solaus: You won't have to worry about him again.




Aethereon Darkfyre: These arrows can't penetrate my tank's armor? YOU LIED TO ME, ANIME.



Mael Radec: That's it! We're clear. Move on up and secure those mines!



Billy Mays: ORCS INFESTING YOUR MINE? CALL THE WORLD ALLIANCE, AND WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT IN A SNAP!



Solrick Skaft: I guess the combat training the traitors gave these guys didn't cover things like "don't wander into obvious traps."




Anil E. Hilated: You can't fix orcs.
Habitually Red: You mean stupid?
Anil E. Hilated: That's what I said!





Stephen Smith: Just came in from the right. I see the mine entrances now. Looks like we got 'em all.



Aethereon Darkfyre: Yes, the mines are as silent and dead as the ore they rip from the earth.



Solaus: What the f- where did you come from?



Habitually Red: These must be the guys who were going to blow up the mines! Looks like they weren't expecting us.



Jorji Costava: Is surely more!



Mael Radec: Their force looks pretty small. Looks like they were counting on the Forces of Darkness covering them while they did their dirty work.



Jorji Costava: Okay, we kick back and celebrate now?



Svetlana Aliyev: What the hell? Where did you guys come from?



Svetlana Aliyev: You don't matter anymore! Even the trogs are more dangerous than you now!



Anil E. Hilated: Aaaand we're done.



With our success here, our hold on the mines was secured and their yields shipped to our refineries, ready to be to fuel our war. The arsenal of the Forces of Darkness only continued to expand, though, and this time they managed to inflict the first main battle tank loss on the Drunken Slavs. At the same time, the enemy had begun to field its own tanks. They'd fared poorly in their first battle against us, but only time would tell how dangerous they truly were.

KILLED IN ACTION:

SGT Turtle