Part 7: 07 - I Call Them The Jet Boots!

07 - I Call Them The Jet Boots!



But I need to help my mom!

And you will by staying out there.

Ok, Fox, but hurry up, my mom looked real bad.

That's what happens when a dinosaur tries to apply makeup.



[Down a very long ladder we arrive in a cave populated by all manner of mushrooms. The huge red mushrooms you can see aren't new; you can find a number of them up above, but those are generally pretty easy to avoid. Down here they crowd around doorways and generally make it a lot harder to avoid taking damage from the poison clouds they release.]



[Immediately we encounter this, a Rocket Boost Pad, which we can't use for the time being. We turn and head down the nearby tunnel to reach a chamber with a shallow pool that immediately causes the controller to have an epileptic fit.]

The earth is attacking me! Blow it up!





Oh, it was just another gay shrine.



You said it, not me.

...I don't care what power I get, it's not worth this shit.



Heheh, you can give your...staff a...boost. Eheheh.

This is low, even for you.

[What does it do? This.]



That would fairly destroy a man's colon.

So you were thinking about it!

[Anyways, we grab the fuel cells and head back to the first Boost Pad we saw. That takes us to the upper ledges where we find more shit to blow up!]



Fuck yes, I need to refill my manliness-meter.



[Oh come on, Rare, you aren't even trying. Moving beyond the obvious 'puzzle', we meet this jerk.]



[He wants us to get a Firefly Lantern because it's kind of dark below. We already bought the Lantern because I'll be fucked if I'm going to climb out of this shit hole any more than necessary.]



[And like all of his retarded brethren he walks about five feet away and falls asleep right next to where we're going to blow shit up.]



[Down in this 'dark' area we quickly encounter Fireflies, an item that I will never use, period.]



[Afterwards we finally find our objective.]



[Wondering why I'll never use a Firefly? Because I'm opposed to game mechanics that are completely useless due to programming stupidity.]



[The shading in the 'dark' areas doesn't actually cover the player or other models and segments of the environment can still be found anyway, so using a Firefly is pretty pointless, unless you like green lighting. Anyway, in this area there are six White GrubTubs we need to find and they're all segmented into various subsections of this cave. They require varying levels of effort to reach and then have to be chased down like normal GrubTubs.]



[Blant and blow up Bomb Spore and a chunk of the pillar is destroyed which drops the remainder down a bit and grants us access to two more GrubTubs.]



[Get to the other dark area, find the place to plant another Bomb Spore and blow it up. Inside is the fifth GrubTub. The final one is actually in the room with the ladder, but I was facing the wrong way when I came in so I grabbed it on my way out.]



[For anyone who doesn't much care about keeping their items topped off, the game provides you with a Bomb Spore Plant inside the cavern. The only problem is that the way the spores drift is completely random, so sometimes they won't come down to you. The other issue is there is no such thing as friction or gravity for the spores, so they can easily do this:]



[Fuckers.]



[Thankfully, the game doesn't force us to watch any cutscenes when we return to the surface, just Tricky running up saying 'Look at that!' or 'Hey!' (I wasn't kidding when I said he was at least partly Navi).]



[On our way back, a SharpClaw gets in the way and I lose my patience. You can use several of the staff powers in combat (sometimes you have no choice), but generally it's easier to just do the block/retaliate combo.]



[Fox accidentally phased through reality and into the Queen's head...or he was skullfucking her, your choice.]



That was way too quick for those mushrooms to have done anything.

Yes, but saying 'be a gopher' is less effective than 'go get me some incredibly rare truffles to eat'.

God, you fuckers can all blow up for all I care. Can you just tell me what's going on?

This is all the work of General Scales. He is the ruler of the SharpClaw Tribe, a nasty bunch of pirates who have always wanted control of Dinosaur Planet. We have always been able to stop his attacks, but this time he's somehow become stronger and defeated our army at the Krazoa Palace.

Who gives a shit? Explain why the fucking planet is exploding and how I make it stop.

Within Krazoa Palace he broke the seals of the Force Point Temples.

Don't stop there.

The planet is rich with a magical force.



A force so strong that it is continually pushing our world apart. To stop this four SpellStones were placed inside the Force Point Temples.

That's retarded, also what is with you fucking people and combining capitalized nouns to make proper nouns?

With the seals broken, Scales entered the temples and removed the SpellStones. With nothing to hold back the magic force the planet was torn apart!



What?! No it fucking doesn't!

Yeah, I know, this is such fucking bullshit. You incompetent tards can't keep some mongoloids out of a temple...



No wonder dinosaurs all went extinct on Earth.

Well, just for that comment...



Oh for fuck's sake. I guess it won't be that bad, I mean...



Eh, I guess mortal danger is good enough.



How the fuck do you guys have spies? You're triceratops, they're anthropomorphic allosaurs. I don't even know how you could possibly be stealthy, even.

Excuse me, but as I was saying, Scales was last seen in DarkIce Mines.

Don't you mean DarkIceMines? Wouldn't want to go overboard with spaces.

I know the GateKeeper, Garunda Te, a silly fellow, but he can guide you to the SpellStone. Go back to SnowHorn Wastes and find him.

Why can't I just fucking fly there? All I need to do is fly through some gold rings and BAM, we're there.

_{This is important backstory!}

More like important sequence breaking prevention.

Fox, I found this key that the SharpClaw dropped.



[This is why writing dialogue for Fox is so easy.]

[Did I mention that I'm going to make you all watch every single one of these cutscenes?]



Misery loves company, bitches!



[One last thing before we go. Next to the door into the Shop is a Boost Pad. Once up there we can find a cavern with four Blaster targets on the walls.]



[Shooting all of them reveals reveals another staff shrine.]



[Finally, let me introduce you all to The Mystery Cache].



[In every single one of my playthroughs, I have never been able to figure out how to get into this room. The map is utterly useless, and I've scoured both the inside of the mushroom cave and the Shop looking for a way in and I've never been in there. I honestly believe it's a magical room that is there solely to taunt you by making your fuel cell tracker point at it to give you false hope.]




[Oh yeah, I lied. Because I'm a huge fag I went back into the mushroom cave five more times (save > quit > reload > repeat) to get a full complement of Fireflies that I will never use.]