Part 8: 08 - Logic Is For Chumps

08 - Logic Is For Chumps



[And here we get to redo this dumb switch gate. It's pretty simple, it just feels like a dumb timesink. You get Tricky to stay on the button so you can climb into the divider. At the end of the divider is a switch which causes the two pipes at the far end of the stream to alternate. I guess the water is traveling in a circle or something, because frankly this all seems kind of pointless.]



[And we return to one of the many blocked routes in SnowHorn wastes (we'll have to come back here at least two more times after this ). I'm not going to bother getting a soundbyte, but pretend you can hear someone with another (or maybe the same) Scottish accent yelling for help.]



I think the yelling is from up on that slope.

So?

Just sayin'.



[I'm really not looking forward to the upcoming clusterfuck, so we're going exploring for a bit. Shooting some blinking eyes hidden in this tree causes the tree to topple, giving us access to some fuel cells.]



[Across the frozen river (except for that hot spring, all the water in this area causes damage for staying in too long) we find a cave with...about twelve GrubTubs and just as many Pouncers. Why was this necessary? GrubTubs are far from uncommon. Whatever.]



[To get downriver, you have to hop on these ice floes (or you could just swim and replenish your health when the ice floe disappears (they submerge at the end of the river)).]



[And all of our efforts reward us with Cheat Token #3. We also pick up some fuel cells on the way back.]



Oh god, it's reaching for me! Burn it with fire!

This is why I didn't want to come up here.



Nice hat.

If you can bring me Frost Weed I'll be strong enough to get myself out.

You know, stuff like that is probably what led to your extinction.



Yeah, Tricky is the very soul of usefulness.

[Frost Weed Minigame: Viddler]



[This shit is such a pain in the ass. Ok, first off two SharpClaws spawn in the initial cutscene and then two more follow immediately thereafter. Any time you kill one a new one spawns, so you always have four of them out.]



[There's a small tree down the hill that you have to whack to make it drop Frost Weed, but when you draw your weapon you'll usually focus on one of the SharpClaw trying to kill you.]



[After you knock a weed down, then you have to 'help' the fucking things roll up the hill to the mammoth. The controls are retarded because it's insanely hard to tell exactly which side you need to be on and any contact will send the fucking things careening off to BFE. The Frost Weed also have a time limit; they'll fall apart on their own. Fuck yeah!]



[The SharpClaws will also happily break off from attacking you to attack the Frost Weed. Sometimes this goes a bit too far; as you can see they're all clustered around the tree beating on it and then turning to destroy the weeds that fall off. The tree never runs out, so they're eternally amused. Oh, and Tricky never does anything.]



[Infused with the power of he bursts out of his icy prison and the SharpClaws finally show a shred of intelligence and get the fuck out of Dodge.]



Nah, fuck that. The fewer people who know my name, the better.

My mother sent us to find you.

Well, I am Garunda Te, SpellStone GateKeeper of DarkIce Mines.

Actually,LetMeIntroduceMySelf,IAmFoxMcCloud,LeadPilotOfTheStarFoxTeam.

What?

_{Hooly booly that, you assholes.}

It is my duty as a GateKeeper to guard the land from which a SpellStone is forged.

Oh, good job so far!

General Scales took the SpellStone and discovered that I was a GateKeeper. He gave me an ultimatum.



[Sepia mode! Cutting edge right here, bitches!]

...or he would destroy my tribe. I could not risk the safety of the entire planet so I refused the help.

Yeah, because the planet wasn't fucked the moment he took the SpellStone out, right?

Why didn't he just get his troops into the DarkIce Mines before ripping the planet apart?

[This is never explained; the SpellStones regulate the magic energy that holds the planet together, but for some reason it is deathly important that Scales not get into the Mines themselves. I guess the logic is 'you can kill me, but you can't hang out in my house'.]

Shut up. My daughter did not think this way. And so to save the tribe she opened the gateway herself.

So...she showed some common sense?

Lalala, I can't hear you! Scales did not destroy my tribe. He enslaved them instead. My daughter dishonored me. You must search for the SpellStone within DarkIce Mines and return it to the Volcano Force Point Temple. Only then will the SpellStone's power be returned. I will open the gateway.



[It's a bit hard to see against a cloudy sky, but it's a big wormhole-esque opening.]

So we can just fly there? No strings attached?

Not a chance, you douche.

Ugh.

[So we headed back to ThornTail Hollow to head out.]

Ooh! Do I get to ride in the cockpit with you!

You totally should.

Yeah, I bet you'd like that you little, scaly bastard.

Him or me?

Yes.

Well, where do I go? You can't leave me behind.

Oh, I know exactly where to put you.



Is this the fucking trunk?!

And we're off!

[DarkIce Mines Flight: Viddler]

[The only difference between this and the Dinosaur Planet Landing is that it looks different (snowy asteroids!) and some of the gold rings move around a bit.]



Not reeeeeally seeing the Dark or the Ice. Not even sure about the Mine part, really.

_{Let me the fuck out!}



Don't you ever stick me in there again! It peed on me, bitch!

Ah, it was just some hydraulic fluid.



[On the way out of this crazy-ass landing pad I discover a quick way of dealing with gremlins. Use the shield when they swoop down, and as soon as they lift up turn on the Blaster and look straight up and you can nail them.]



[That is just not a good landing spot. Also, amusingly, the heat waver effect only covers the environment, it doesn't affect the arwing, or Fox and Tricky, for that matter.]

[Next time on Star Fox Adventures!]



[Platforming!]



[Pitfalls!]



[Action!]

[And more bad writing than you can shake a stick at!]