Part 14: 14 - That Was Very Therapeutic
14 - That Was Very Therapeutic
[Tubes! Not the good kind, but the firebat-filled kind.]
[Of course, now that we have the Ice Blast, we can take them out.]
...of this planet and I thought you might be interested to hear this.
Unlikely. This temple has been built on a Force Point. You waste my time for this? A point where pure magic energy- I fucking know! Magic energy that needs to be regulated by the fucking SpellStone or chunks of the planet rip themselves free! Do you have anything new to say?! ...Peppy out.[Yes, they really did have an entire cutscene explaining shit we already knew. Did they think I went through all the trouble of finding the fucking SpellStone because I like shiny things?]
[What we really need to do in this room is show off our SpellStone yet again. There are two of these indentations, but we can only use one because we only have one SpellStone thus far, so the other will have to wait.]
[Doing that opens a door right near the door we came in from.]
[Since half of the temple is being saved for our second trip inside, there isn't that much else to do. There's a solitary fuel cell up on a ledge, which, amusingly is the only way of getting back to that central ring, so you only get it by being dumb and jumping off in the first place. To reach it, you jump down to a number of moving platforms below, some of which are only a grating, so you have to blow out the fire before you can jump on it safely. Alternatively, you can do this:]
[Yes, this works; no, I don't know how. Shut up.]
[More tunnels, more firebats and more flame jets. At the end of the tunnel we find an elevator.]
[At the top of the elevator we find a pair of ladders, regardless of which side you choose to go up you'll be confronted by more candles to blow out. Circle around to reach all four and a door at the end of the hall opens up.]
[Which leads us into this room. The keen observer will notice a Life Force Door, which means...]
What the hell is that flashing stuff anyway? Some kind of jerk teleporter?New Attack Fodder Teleporter.
Ah.
[You can guess what happens after you hose them down with the Ice Blast. It's a lot less impressive than you'd hope for, though. All in all it's a much more effective way of killing enemies: the Fire Blaster can be blocked (
), is hilariously inaccurate when used while strafing, and consumes a lot more energy to kill an enemy.]
[Sliding platform puzzles. Wooo. The real trick is Tricky (sorry).]
Tricky, get your ass over here!
Uh, nah. I'm good. Get over here!
[Shoot the targets when the platforms are close to the middle and they'll shift back to be properly aligned. Shoot them off at either edge and they'll stay there and force you to shoot them again to get them moving.]
Get over here!
[This is why we needed Tricky. I cannot fathom how ovens would go out inside a gigantic volcano, but oh well.]
[Anyway, we're almost done. This room has some tidbits of loot you can grab if you're low, but it's coated with gremlins, so I just dashed for the end. Oh yeah, and if you fall you land back down in the area with the lava platforms.]
How the hell did you get here faster than me? Dinosaurs aren't even supposed to be able to warp at all. I took the elevator. The what?! We can use it to get out of here. It's at the entrance to the temple.
[This is the core of both Volcano and Ocean Force Point Temples. This pillar in front of us actually has slots for all four of the SpellStones; getting through the temples just lands us in this room. Every time you attach a SpellStone to the pillar in this room one of the spirals of magical energy or whatever will disappear because it is being regulated by the SpellStone or something. No, I don't know how the fuck Scales got into this room nor do I know why the Krazoa even made it accessible. Even within the logic of this game as 'Dinosaur Planet', not as 'Star Fox Adventures' it still makes no fucking sense for anyone to be able to get in here].
Now where the fuck is that elevator?
The Krazoa were clearly not engineers.
[Remember those grates I mentioned? They just contain some nondescript loot, but I waited to pick them up because one of them requires the Ice Blast which we didn't have yet.]
[Getting past the Ice Blast grate gives us some fuel cells.]
[The switch grate gives us a Bafomdad. That puts us at eight. That's eight times however many full hearts we have.]
[Now we just have to head back to town to head to the next
Fuck you.
Nope.
I need Krazoa Spirits or I will not survive... And I need a fucking vicoden, but you don't see me bitching.
So you're one of the assholes who fucking built that shithole temple!
Look, we don't have time for thi- No, fuck you! You're a god damned spirit and the planet can hold on for a minute while I call you a fucktard. You're assholes. You built a fucking temple that requires SpellStones to enter, but that can apparently be accessed by some asshole with a goofy hat, in addition you actually made it possible for the fucking things to be removed placing the fucking planet in risk of exploding. Couldn't you just use your magic to invent a god damned acetylene torch? ...Are you done? Fuck you.
You want me to undertake a fucking test? I'm undergoing the Test of Patience and rapidly failing, so I guess I'm not much of a test-taker. Look, you have to. Oh for god's sake, what cockamamie reason are you going to cook up now? The planet needs it... Wow! Who would've thought! The fucking planet needs it! Does the planet need a foot massage too? Should I go grab some scented oils? Can I just put this fucking planet down already? "Sorry little Bobby, but we need to send ol' Dinosaur Planet down to the glue factory 'cause she's getting too old and weak for real work!" Come on, don't you even want to help the girl? She's quite the fox. Ok, I speak from a position of authority when I say that was a terrible pun, and let me clarify something for you: I am a giant, anthropomorphized fox, yes. However, I like big-tittied white women. ...Look, do this and I'll give you a new weapon. Fine, fucking god, let's just get this over with!
Great, even more shit to collect.
[So this huge door slides open to reveal a new Staff Shrine. The problem I have with this is that you pass the door on your way to Volcano Force Point Temple. It's just standing there and it fucking screams 'Hey guys, chill out, this will totally come into play later'. They could have just made a huge rock which rolls out of the way or something less innocuous, but instead they have this monstrous mosaic-covered door. Even the pit with the monster in it fits into the area thematically and you wouldn't spend five minute staring at it going 'HOW DO I OPEN THIS ARGH'. I don't know why, but that door just seems so stupid, especially since the tunnel it leads to is barely larger than Fox.]
What, no stupid jokes to make?I...I'm just so proud of you. Little baby's all grown up.
Man, you can fuck off too.
Suddenly, I feel so tired. I can't even get excited about this.
[This is Ground Quake's primary use; killing these dudes. Off the top of my head, I can only think of one more enemy that really requires this attack to be killed. Most of the enemies we'll fight (mostly just variations of SharpClaw) are more easily killed by using the Ice Blast or can just be ignored, but if killing four guys at once is your thing feel free to AoE them down with Ground Quake. For these dudes you use Ground Quake which causes them to spin around in a daze and that allows you to hit their vulnerable backside. Do that twice and they drop...]
[These things take stupid item collection to an exciting new level. So very stupid.]
[The way to tell if you're supposed to plant a MoonSeed or a BombSpore (other than the game automatically pointing you at the right item and not letting you plant the wrong one; curse you, Murphy) is that MoonSeed planters have a huge crack on the wall behind them. The reason is simple, but allow me to further explain why these things are dumb:]
[You have to set them on fire to make them grow.]
MY BRAIN HURTS.IT'LL HAVE TO COME OUT THEN.
[I need a drink.]