Part 1: Billy with a "Y"

As for all the gamebreaking, we'll get there when we get there. I won't be showing off Noel, so I'll just say it here: Blood Armor, Level 10 Motormouth, pop a Fairy Glass, and control him manually. You'll never die, and you'll never run out MP, but it is boring as shit. Also,

O THE ALMIGHTY TRIA, VANQUISH ALL THE ENEMY

Uh, I mean--

Chapter 1: Billy with a "Y"


Our seventeen-year-old anime heroine has a name befitting a fine young lady.


(As an aside, Star Ocean 2 featured a few battle mode options. Standard is sort of like a turn-based RPG but not, semi-active is absolutely terrible, and full-active is fun as hell. Casting spells, however, entails opening a menu and thus breaks the flow of full-active, so you generally don't want to control casters in battle.)


There must be like no water at all on that entire fucking planet.






Now, if we hadn't chosen to play as Rena, we would know what the fuck this thing is (it's Claude being warped in from some other planet by being a stupid shit), but right now it just looks ominous as hell.


wideshot


medium shot


SOMEbody went to film school!






I hope I never have a 17-year-old daughter. I hope she just goes like straight from 10 to 20-something. OVERNIGHT




Yes, yes, running away from your mother when she tells you not to go hang out in the forest full of RAPE MONSTERS is a lot more dangerous than actually hanging out in the forest full of RAPE MONSTERS.


But first, let's loot these treasure boxes.


Oh dammit. I fucking hate you, game.

The Equipment Wizard is an automatically-set "feature" that updates your characters' equipment as you find it. I suppose it's useful if you're either a retard or, like my sister, grew up playing Pokemon and don't have any of the developed video game sense to equip new items. For me, though, it's just annoying, so...


We are going to shut it off.

Oh but since we're here, let's change the color of the screen.




Yes, I'm totally serious.

Okay, anyway...


The people in town don't have too much to say. They mention this thing called the Sorcery Globe, which will be discussed at length later (and when I say "at length," I mean, "pretty much the rest of the entire first disc that isn't fighting or private actions, and part of the second disc too"), and talk about how Billy likes to go to the Shingo Forest.


This NPC, though, tells us about how much Billy likes a certain folk story, so let's go to the church and find out what this is all about.


"... destroy the evil presence. It is said that this Warrior of Legend who wears [Alien Raiments] is sure to appear when a crisis threatens the world."

Great.

Okay, let's head to the Shingo Forest.


But hey, there's a save point right here, so let's save first.


...


Let's take a few steps forward.


Good job, game. Give me the save tutorial text when I can't even save.




okay this is deeper can we go home now

So the Shingo Forest is like two screens long. Basically, Billy is saying that she's never been past the first screen, which is like twenty steps large. Wonderful.






Billy really has no self-awareness whatsoever.


Gee, ????, it's a little late to say that, isn't it.




So, battle. This one is actually controlled by the game, so I can't show off how ridiculous ????'s unarmed attack looks.


Whenever ???? uses this attack, which is the only thing he does in this fight, he shouts "BANG!!!!" or perhaps "BURN!!!!", I could never really tell which.


... Well.






"... monster in a flash..."




Obviously in this planet's language, what he just said means, "OH GOOD IT'S GONE NOW I CAN HAVE A GO"


All she heard was, "I WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY"




oh no here he comes run away






"... Isn't Billy a man's name?"
""




Obviously, this stranger is the strong, silent type.


Nah, he's actually saying things, but it doesn't let you change his name until later, so let's pretend we just saw a screenshot of him saying, "Earth."




"It's way after the day after tomorrow."


And so, as the screen fades to black, she leads the stranger to her village. Because it's not like he's carrying Smallpox or SARS or someshit.

Who is the mysterious stranger? What is this Sorcery Globe that NPCs can't shut up about? When will I get to control dudes in battle? Find out NEXT TIME in the next uneventful episode of STAR OCEAN 2!