Part 36: Abbreviated Exposition

Guess what time it is?

If you guessed, "the emulator ate my fucking images again" time, then you're right! Which means that we get to blaze through two hours of story in ten images!

Chapter 34: Abbreviated Exposition


So basically we came to this beat-up, 700 million-year-old building to get this San Disk thing that apparently has a WMD schematic in it. Also there was some character stuff about Billy being 700 million years old and Geese telling her that her mother hates her, but that's really just the whipped cream on the cowpie we call "Star Ocean 2."


We take the weapon schematics to this bearded woman named Mirage. She bitches out Narl for being a pussy, and she basically says, "Look, nobody understands this retarded technobabble so I'll just to the chase: go get me some Unobtanium and I'll make you a shitty sword."

In the actual game, Mirage has her moments, but that's to be expected in a game of this caliber of shittiness. When she isn't acting utterly retarded (which is actually pretty rare), she is pretty much the only character in this game who isn't a little shit. It figures that she's an NPC and only appears in like four scenes in the entire game. Her very existence, however, is almost as though the game becomes aware of how utterly terrible it is.


"But what is Unobtanium?" asks Billy.
"That is a stupid question," says Mirage. Billy becomes unhappy.
"Well, how do we get it?" asks Larry.
"That is not a stupid question. You get it by fighting a giant monster made of Unobtanium."
"That's retarded."
"I never said that the answer wasn't stupid."

So our brave heroes went to the cave where the monster made of Unobtanium lives. It's a giant maze with some crystalline backgrounds, and damned if I'm gonna draw that, so instead...


Help Knox find his way to the Unobtanium! Remember, enter at the green arrow, end at the red arrow, and don't cut through any walls!

Never let it be said that I did not create reader participation for this Let's Play.


So anyway, we fight the giant monster, give the Unobtanium to Mirage, and then go to Fun City for some INTENSE TRAINING. No, I'm not kidding. Somewhere along the line, Mirage shows up and she's like "Yowzer!" and she gives you some shitty weapons for Claude and Rena that halve MP consumption when equipped. Yay.

Then, she leaves.

Suddenly,

shirtless, black-haired Cloud Strife shows up to kick your ass!

He happens to be the same unbeatable Wiseman we fought last update. This time we kill him and he's like "you cheating worms" and dies.

Then as we're leaving, this flying dude in bondage with LASER EYES shows up.

He, too, happens to be one of the Ten Wise Men, and the one who SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS at that. Incidentally, we kill him too.

If you haven't noticed yet, this is the part of the game where character designs get extra-retarded so bear with me.


THEN, out of nowhere appears the guy we fought at the end of Disc 1, if you can even remember that, and we kill him, too.

Not kidding, the game honestly throws them at you this fast and nonsensically, and you kill them just as quickly.


Finally, we meet up with Mirage at her house and she's like, "Man that Narl is a fucking dumbass." Then she instructs you to head to L'Aqua (which, if you remember from last time, is that pointless little place we went to when we needed to catch a ride on that Herush) for the TRUE final battle.

Are you exited? 'Cause I'm excited.


And that is where our images return, and that is where we will pick up NEXT TIME, in the near-conclusion of LET'S PLAY STAR OCEAN 2.