Part 43: Fuck This Game - Part 1

Chapter 41: Fuck This Game - Part 1

Well, here we are.

The last chapter.


The final battle.


The end of days.








For the curious, this is what our final party looks like.

As you can see, I'm abusing the hell out of Bowman and Chisato's ability to equip both the Bloody Armor and the Weird Slayer.

I don't even know why I put the Bunny Shoes and the Frog on Bowman. Guts caps at 255, and I'm pretty sure every non-caster male gets 255 Guts by the time they're Level 255.

ANYWAY

Say it with me in a very Auron-ly voice:


This ends now.


What's this?!




That's right: doing the Filia event in Central City and discovering Nede's true history both separately change the dialogue in this sequence.


"stealing Filia. The Crest of Annihilation will be invoked to make this trash heap of a universe disappear without a trace!!!!"

Yes, he does use four exclamation marks. A certain author wrote that using more than at once indicates some sort of insane mental deficiency, but all things considered...


At least he's much less long-winded now that he's gone crazy.


He has lots of cool spells, like Explosion, but if you're doing this without cheating, this is exactly why you want to bring Seraphic Garbs along.

You see, even on the easiest "normal" setting, all of Limiter Off Indalecio's attacks do 9999, even if you're 50% resistant to an element. The only way, then, to not die whenever he attacks is to either equip something that absorbs or nullifies elements (Seraphic Garb absorbs Holy and Fire, and Explosion is Fire-element, and also Indalecio's favorite spell for whatever reason), or to try to max out your Guts, since having a high Guts rating gives you a certain percent of a chance to hang on by 1 HP even if you take fatal damage. It's pretty common at 255, so as long as everyone has it, you have a pretty good chance of having at least one person hang on.


He has lots of flashy attacks, but really.


At the end of the day?


Spells just can't stucklock the way physical attacks can.


Control Bowman, pop a Fairy Glass on him and Chisato, toss Explosion Pills over and over (the AI won't actually use them, so you have to run him manually), and even Limiter Off Indalecio shouldn't take more than three or four minutes to beat, half that if you get lucky and you don't have to sit through any of his spell animations.

As long as you have Bowman and Chisato, this will work on any difficulty. The only difference is that on Galaxy and Universe, the battle is lengthened by a combined factor of how much enemies' HP totals are increased by, and how much their stats are increased by. Which is a really shitty reason to waste your time playing it on those difficulties over.


Needless to say, this is completely anticlimactic, but what are you gonna do.


"Crest of Annihilation will be invoked. My goal will be reached..."


... Why do we care about whether or not Filia is happy?


Great. Just fucking great. Every last goddamn turn of this game, it's been giving us the runaround.

"What's a Sorcery Globe?" "It is too mysterious for you to understand."
"What's a Synard?" "Uhh"
"Why are we collecting these red magic testicles" "Because they are red. And magical. And possibly testicles."
"Why do the Wise Men have a stick up their ass?" "Why do you keep asking these useless questions"

Just about the only question that can be answered is, "Why am I playing this game if almost everything about it is shit?" And that's because the 1% that is good comprises 99% of the game.

Which to me is strange. I utterly detest FF13, which is also an anime-fueled, button-mashing, AI-driven disaster. Maybe it's because good sprites will never get outdated. Maybe it's because pre-rendered backgrounds will never make you throw up. Maybe it's because, in spite of its horribly contrived story, deep down, SO2 knows it's full of shit, whereas FF13 took itself seriously. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of really small things, but somehow, SO2 is an unbelievably entertaining game, and FF13 is a gigantic shitfest.


Suddenly, everything starts shaking and these idiots show up.

Fun fact: remember Super Mario RPG? When I was nine years old, I thought Toad was the baddest motherfucker ever and I wanted him to join my party. Why? Because he singlehandedly got through the final dungeon. Somehow, I just can't get that same feeling about Narl.










Yeah, that's a fuckin' genius-level idea there.




But I guess this makes a shred of sense. Better them than everything, but thanks for telling me in advance, assholes.


NOT A BAD IDEA


No, that's a retarded rationalization.


Well, I guess that's what you call Social Darwinism. If you're slobby enough to say "yup it's better if I die than if I were to live," then that's just a kind of natural selection.


"I fucking hate you, you're so full of SHIT"


"Shut the fuck up."


"Y'all is bitches. I, for one, am gettin' off this goddamn rock."






Yes, apparently Nede is just a gigantic intergalactic snowglobe.








"... Hey, wait a second, guys.


... How were we supposed to leave again?"