Part 34: 999999 Problems but a Bits Ain't One

Of all the places, White Castle is the one Chico didn't have. You would think it would be the perfect place considering the obvious clientele, but no.

Chapter 2: 999999 Problems but a Bits Ain't One

THE STORY THUS FAR IN BRIEF

didn't you already join my entourage like twenty minutes ago and gain ten levels since


You know, I've always been under the impression that, like how Roald is Teo's twenty-something son who he had to play the nepotism card to get a job in the Imperial Army for, Ted is just kind of his freeloader stoner friend who lives in the guest room.


Y'know, whenever my buddies and I get together and do a toast, I always cheer to good friends and good times, but one of these days I should toast to THE EMPIRE


"So please please pleaaaase young master shave your neckbeard or at least put on deodorant"


See? Everyone knows that Roald is full of it and they're basically helping him work at McDonalds


Definitely just being patronizing assholes. It's wonderful.

•••


Cleo's diary is "locked," but just like the Door of Isis in Lufia 2, this is just a text box and there isn't actually anything to discover underneath it.

•••


"Go out back and help the Magician's Island soda guy unload the truck. I need those shelves stocked before we open."




Kraze is kind of like that part-time job boss you always wanted to drop kick. It's also problematic if this is your first time playing the game and you don't really have a penchant for exploration because since the stables are kind of off to the side, they aren't especially apparent and you'll be like "uhhhhhh"

Maybe this was just me.




"... Well, okay, I actually do, but your father is paying me to tell you otherwise."

•••


With our obscene riches and my foresight on account of having played this game probably damn near a dozen times in the past, I know we'll be getting a second mandatory female party member for a while in the very near future (other than Odessa), so I pick up two more pairs of Wing Boots. This is important because you won't be seeing another pair of them at all until about the midpoint of the game.


And we forge shit up, too.


We give Gremio our Prosperity Rune because... I dunno, it's not like he can do anything else, but since he's forced into your party almost all the time, it's like a little bonus.

•••


Futch is the only one who isn't being paid to let Roald live the illusion of not being a spongey basement-dweller. Attic-dweller.


oh yeah black is such a creative name for a dragon

though admittedly it's better than something retarded like altruscian or someshit






Unfortunately, it takes like two rounds to drop this guy. Well, so much for preparation,




I dunno, Leknaat's Tower has always reminded me of the Blue Spire from Lunar.


cute like a fat hello kitty who needs to shave his pedostache




I dunno, that stained glass must be directly above them or something, it's hard to get it to cast a shape at that angle.


So a couple months ago I was cruisin' with my bros and we went to get some drive-thru breakfast. I'm all, "eh, what you guys like?" and my one friend is all, "Oh, I want the SAUSAGE biscuit!"--with extra effeminate enthusiastic emphasis on the SAUSAGE--so we were giving him shit for that as we pulled up to the ordering mic. And as soon as the guy says, "What can I get for you today?" my friend shouted,


"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SHIT"


"... uh"


"brah fuckin' reed"








Kanaan doesn't actually join your party as a fighter. I distinctly remember being disappointed.




I dunno, what do you think he'd be? I've always seen him as a shitty swordsman, kind of like a fat, weak Viktor.

When suddenly,

Queen Ant.

•••


The Queen Ant is one of those unbeatable bosses, but at least it doesn't go to lengths to rub your nose in it because the battle terminates after... four rounds, I think?


Queen Ant becomes a normal encounter much later in the game, but this Queen Ant is nothing like those at all.


It actually doesn't have infinite HP, just more than you can feasibly inflict at this point (something around 8000 or so, I think). If you beat it through game-modifying methods or whatever, the scene proceeds as if the battle had terminated, but...


you'll notice that your experience reward is kind of lackluster. The experience formula in Suikoden 1 is based on your current level versus the enemy's level, and caps out at 10,000 EXP each if the enemy is something like 20 levels above you (this is why that silly rumor about the glitch monster that gives you enough EXP to get to 99 instantly is, well, silly).


Obviously this Queen Ant is programmed to be different from the normal Queen Ants you run into later in the game (notably, its core stats are much lower even if its HP is much higher). Its effective EXP level is 17 (normal Queen Ants are in the 50s), meaning that if for whatever reason you were able to beat it, you would get a terrible crap reward anyway.

•••




"DONGS"
"what kind of name is dongs"
"well i said imperial but i mean to say 'internet'"


Now you'll all believe it when I say that Sydonia's attack is a glorious pimpslap.



•••








You know, I've always wondered if the game actually gives you 10,000 bits here, or if it's just a mimic-ly text prompt.


It's actually impossible to tell on the surface for reasons we'll be seeing really soon. You'd have to delve into the script's programming.

•••


TO THE RAPE DUNGEON

•••


So just really quick, we picked up a Thunder Rune Piece in Mt. Seifu. I've always put it on Roald's weapon. When calculating damage, Rune Pieces work like this: they do damage and a half to enemies weak against an element, but still does a normal full 1x damage against enemies who resist it. It's very nice to you in that it doesn't penalize you at all for having an elemental weapon against enemies who resist whichever element you have equipped, especially since Rune Pieces are hard to come by and can't be removed ever.

•••






"I saw it on this video about a guy who delivered a pizza to a chick who didn't have enough bits to"
"Yes I know where this is going so that's quite enough"






"Goddamn lazy ass Gremio, always makin' me carry Ted an' shit"


There are lots of reasons that make people stop wanting to be lazy fat fucks. Women, men, general health purposes, getting triple-bypass surgery, being emblazoned with a magic symbol that governs life itself, etc.




Gremio is like a cross between a metrosexual househusband and a frothing redneck who has memorized his state's Castle Law to the letter and would do anything to keep The Gubment off his lawn.


This door is always here, but it doesn't actually do anything before and since when you use it right here.


"Well, you, and Chivas Regal"


Some folks mentioned it, and yes, Viktor is here before you try to leave the inn (this sequence doesn't trigger until then, and you can talk to him at that time), and he actually mutters to himself about not having enough money.


Everyone's already been talking about it, but whenever characters join your party, they always start in the last open slot. There are three kinds of characters in combat: Short Range, Medium Range, and Long Range. Short Range can only attack from the front row, and if you only have room in your back row when they join, it's a real pain.


Yes, yes, tea is the stand-in phrase for alcoholic beverages in this game, but at least these days I can say with a high likelihood that Suikoden did not, in fact, contribute to my alcoholism.


Odessa stuff etc


save varkas and sydonia


fight through grady's mansion


ACQUIRE MONEY

•••


This is what I meant by not being able to tell if the game actually gives you money then takes it away. Upon opening treasure containing money, if you have the "maximum" 999999 bits, you'll actually go over, but not game-crashingly so.


Suikoden accurately keeps track of your wealth out to seven digits. You can buy goods and services and the game will deduct from your million-plus amount accordingly, but the moment you make any money after having 1m+ in your wallet, you'll be forced back down to the hard cap of 999999. Why did they choose to cap you at six digits when it can handle seven? I have no idea, and it only serves to inconvenience you.

•••


It's as if Sydonia never learned how to sound intimidatingly psychotic


obtain fire spears

•••


Wind of Sleep sucks.


But you know what? It actually works. On these bottommost-tier enemies, it hits about 33% of the time. Of course, merely working doesn't necessarily preclude shittiness.

•••


This is what happens when you let your Gremio's batteries run low


it was at this point that kessler grabbed a warren of rabbits and compacted them with his bare hands





Once you get back to Lenankamp, the soldier out front tells you something different from what he did before.


The innkeeper is mortally wounded, but he's kind enough to let you save your game anyway.


OH MY GOD VERY VAGUE SEXISM ALERT THE MEDIA THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE HER SAY SOMETHING LIKE HUMAN INSTEAD OF WOMAN OR BEEN POETIC AND FLOWERY AND SAID "O VPON MYNE DIYNGE BREATH I SPACHE THVS: I HAST LYVD FOR FRIYDVM BVT I DIE FORE MY HVMANITTIE!"










"You look more like a Kevin"


I actually wanted to test to see if their reactions were different here if you didn't choose Schtolteheim Reinbach III.




They aren't. Roald's now-unpaid attendants are totally just shaking their heads and playing along at this point.

NEXT TIME

Discussing Roald's congenital diseases