Part 17: Laser Jesus

Last time we were tasked with recruiting someone named Oleg. This venture is not without interruptions, as the moment we leave port, Governor makes yet another appearance.



I think we can safely assume that whatever they're up to, it's trouble for us.

I will prepare at once. Excuse me.

Ramada bows and bows out.



Very soon...

Ah... So is this the "new product" we discussed?



Cray stands, for the sole reason of showing off this fancy thing on his arm for the camera.

Indeed. And for indulging my whim about Razril, I'll be willing to sell you the requested item at a lower price this time.

You know, the "merchandise".

Those "crates" with "things" in them.

Which will be "put to use" for the "plan".

What, you don't know about the "plan"? Must be some kind of "loser".

Call it a gift to celebrate your installment as Governor.

So maybe it's not his name after all...



Now that we're back on the ocean, let's take a moment. This is as far west as you go from Obel.



On the map above, this has just happened. As I said, it happens without any warning - the ship just suddenly starts turning, you lose control, and once you regain it you're 98% certain to find yourself right in the next random encounter. Note how the compass disappears; it does that when the game takes over.

Oh, and one last thing. Remember Iluya? It's just north of Nay. We can get just close enough to see it on the world map... and then, invisible wall.



In case you hadn't noticed by now, I loathe and absolutely fucking detest the world map in Suikoden IV.



So let's pretend we reached Nay without killing someone out of boredom, frustration or a combination thereof.

I know, it's unlikely, but humour me.



There's a smug looking bastard standing next to the inn. This is our man. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just grab this club, and when I'm done Reinhold can stuff him in the trunk.

Or whatever you stuff people in when you're on a boat.

Want me to show you how it works? Even the people of this village don't understand...



We don't want him to start cutting himself because no one understands him... until we're done with him, at least.



This film camera "mysterious box" seems innocent enough, but little does Lazlo know that it will show him something awful when he checks up on it the next morning. (Recommended viewing!)



Why does the guy have a film camera? I don't know. Look, no one ever claimed these things would make sense.

Yeah, that's good... We'll continue the rest of it tomorrow... Come on now. It's time to get some sleep... I don't know about you, but, I'm beat! Well... I did my part, how about you pay for the inn?



Actually, because the moon is blue and has PLOT written on it in tasteless neon magenta Papyrus letters, the stay is free. And for much the same reasons, Lazlo is up in the middle of the night. Talking to Oleg does him no good...

Uhh... It's still... night... We'll continue... tomorrow... Really...

...so he heads for the door.



Wait, what?

Perhaps a demonstration is in order.



You can't take ten steps without stumbling over a giant death laser in the Island Nations.



This one's kinda... extra giant, though.



"JESUS FUCK WHAT THE SHIT"



"no seriously"

"what the shit"



Graham Cray applauds. Clink, clink, clink...

That went rather well, don't you think? With that, you could attack the entire archipelago in one fell swoop, Governor.

Yes... Yes, quite remarkable.

I kept expecting him to follow that up by calling it delicious. I don't think the internet is good for me.



Troy is our token Less Villainous Villain.

Not to worry. We merely cleaned up the surface. Besides, we received the king's permission. Isn't that right, Governor?

Yes. Troy, do not concern yourself with this. I have spent much time considering how Iluya will be used.

But if you launch an attack of that scale, the people of the islands will...

...band together under a plucky young hero with an increasingly ridiculous number of named characters under his command.

You know, the usual.

Why do you side with those barbarians?
For your information, we do not act on petty emotions. Now go on outside and cool your head for a while.

Oh, you are such a dickbag. I can't wait for Cray to stab you in the back and-



-wait, maybe I'm just confusing him with every other villain ever.



Anyway, Troy storms off, no doubt after telling Governor to fuck off because he's not Troy's real dad.

Good grief. I suppose this old man gets stuck with the role of soothing the young master.

Yes. Yes you do.



My apologies, Governor... There is actually something I must say to you, though...





Sadly, we're sent back to Lazlo just as things get interesting.

Not much else to do but go back to bed.



Let's get to that.



He hands Lazlo the camera box.



Well, so far it seems like a normal night like any ot



Mother of fuck!



Lasers everywhere!



Oleg, being new to the group, doesn't understand Lazlo's attempts at non-verbal communication as well as our older companions. Nevertheless, he eventually gets him to take a look.

What's this?

If Lazlo could speak, he still wouldn't be able to tell you.

Villager: Something's drifted to shore!

Someone shouts from off-screen.



I'm starting to suspect Lazlo hasn't actually slept since Razril. It would certainly explain the cold dead stare and the unchanging expression.

Could they be from Iluya? No way! What exactly happened last night? ...L-Let's go look together!

So they do exactly that.



I must remember to thank Cedric for whatever he did later. That didn't take long at all!



So naturally this is the reason we couldn't visit Iluya before: they didn't want to waste time making a town that's optional to visit for an hour or two, and then gets nuked. Still, this would probably have mattered more to us if we could have seen the place before Cray turned his laser Jesus on it.


Anyway, we have to help them!

If you go around talking to the villagers after this,



you'll find out that the couple are being treated and are expected to make a full recovery, but you don't get to see them. People around town are either talking about this, or wondering what all the noise is about. Nothing of any particular interest.


Oh, that's right... You had some business to discuss with me, didn't you?

We're spared the exposition, probably mostly because Lazlo explains everything by scribbling in the sand with a stick.

So, that's why you came here... I suppose we should go to Obel together, then. Let me meet this so-called king.
I know this is important information I have here, but I'm not planning to sell it or anything. No, no...

Spoiler: Oleg is full of shit.



So let's cut to the chase. One giant dose of Goddamn Ocean later, we're back in Obel, and Lino is not happy with the news.

No, no. There is no doubt at all. Fake scenery could not be recorded, even if you tried.

Again, let's not even try to explain how this works.

Damn it... Those Kooluk bastards have all but announced that they're ready to invade the South.



Setsu spazzes out, as he is wont to do. No one is particularly surprised any more.

For the time being, we'll ban all trips out to sea except for patrol ships. Got it, Setsu? Inform everyone.

Y-Yes, sir!



E-Excuse me... So, that record was...

Yes, thank you . It's come in handy.

What, pay him? Lino isn't even paying me. He's chill, but also a bit stingy.

...G-Good. So...


We could use a man with your talents.

Well, not really. He's pretty useless apart from this.

Okay... that would be fine with me...

But who cares? One more down.



As usual, talking to the people in the palace...

Iluya...
I don't think all this is happening because the people of Iluya did anything bad... And yet...

...doesn't give us any useful information.

I just pray that this island does not suffer damage as well...

And now it's doomed. Thanks, Setsu.



Lazlo has already done everything there is to do here, so back "home" to (try to) get some sleep, I guess?



Suddenly... uh... legs?



I fucking knew it.



Posing won't save you.



Sadly, I don't get to kick Ramada's behind. Mizuki and Akaghi charge in like they think they stand a chance against twice their own numbers, but, well. I've included the battle in the video this time without speeding it up. It takes all of two rounds as Rita practically one-shots Mizuki with her third-level lightning spell.



Hey Mitsuba, in case you don't remember, "I'm gonna kill you" was like your third line to me.



Apparently, Ramada never gave his ninjas rope escape lessons. They're all neatly tied up.

M-Mr. Ramada! What do you think you're doing?

And there's someone willing to pay a fortune for it. So we came after it... Ack! These ropes... are eating into me...

Stop complaining. Have you ever heard of the Geneva Convention relative to the Treatment of Prisoners of War?

...me neither.



Well, at least one of them has some sense.

It may be shameful, Akaghi, but face it. We've lost.





Well, I can't say I have too much sympathy. I mean. They tried to assassinate me. Ninjas shouldn't be doing things like that!

We certainly can't go back home empty-handed. We'll almost assuredly be killed.

How do these people even get recruited, anyway? Did they just not read the fine print? This seems like it would be kind of important.

I don't suppose it's possible, but... could you at least spare the lives of my two companions, here? Please?

Well god fucking damn it, Lazlo is the hero, so I suppose he doesn't have a choice. Plus, ninjas! I'm sure we can put those to good use.



Since Lazlo has no choice in the matter, we don't get one either. Instead, we get Desmond.

Wh-What did you say?! I think we should contact the Royal Palace immediately! Come quickly!

If you say so... However, it would be kinda nice to know that you aren't really going to kill us.

I rather like his delivery of that line.



Once again, our other companions also have voiced lines here. Reinhold's is the best. His expression is pretty good, too.

You don't go around threatening everyone with death, do you? What are you guys after?

And Rita's opinion on the matter.



So it's back to the castle again.

Was it the Cray Trading Company?

Um, well... it is as you surmised. We have already given up on taking the Rune, so please spare our lives.

Ugh, fine already, but can't I at least stab him a few times? Just a little?

It seems that Cray did not tell you everything about the Rune... Listen closely and share this with no one.
The rune slowly consumes the life of its master. All who have carried it before him have turned to ash and died. If you dare use the power of the Rune, you hasten your own death.
And if its master dies, the Rune will choose another master from the people close at hand and transfer itself...
Even if you had killed him, how would you have taken it back? Would someone have volunteered to be the next to die?

Well, guess what?



One of them would!

I wouldn't have minded... if that were the Chairman's or Master Ramada's orders.

I admit it, I was wrong. She did read the fine print, and apparently she thought it was fucking awesome.

The enormous force of the True Runes draws men to them. That is why people like you get used as well. This just shows how many fools go after this cursed Rune, without even knowing its true nature or identity.

Lino is sort of wrong here. Cray knows more than we know he knows, but of course we don't know that.

If we had killed Sir Lazlo, the Rune would have transferred to one of us... Mr. Cray must have known that.

Oh, he knows. He just doesn't give a fuck.

*sigh* ...So in the end, I was simply a sacrificial pawn in his little game.

That was kind of the job description. "SACRIFICIAL PAWNS WANTED! Inquire within!" Ramada isn't too bright.



Of all the stupid things you can add "...of DEATH" to, "merchant" is probably one of the least intimidating ones. Also, Ramada, hint number I've-lost-fucking-count that this is not a good person to work for.

The power of that Rune... Naturally, you will be using it for the sake of our kingdom, correct?

Thanks for your help, now PLEASE KILL YOURSELF.



Fortunately, Lino isn't having any of that shit.

B-But Your Majesty! I am only thinking of the kingdom...

Good fucking thing you're not in charge of it. I'll give you one week before you sink the island right into the goddamn ocean.

King of Obel, I have a favor to ask. I am fully aware that it is a brazen request, but... may we work for you?

Very well. Lazlo, look after them. If they try anything suspicious, deal with them as you see fit.

Oh, you don't have to worry about that.

I am beholden to you, Your Majesty. Do not worry. We will not disappoint you. We will return with Sir Desmond.
Ms. Mizuki, Mr. Akaghi, both of you, thank you for all that you have done. Now, this is my final order to you...
Henceforth, I want you two to serve not me, but Sir Lazlo.

Hmhmhm. I like the sound of that! Maybe I don't need to stab him after all.

Huh?! B-But why? We can't leave you... Right, Mizuki?

Your wish is my command, Master Ramada.

I think I may have to promote Paula from because I've found someone better suited to it.

Well, either that or , but I think Snowe takes that one.

H-Hey, hey, Mizuki, you, too?! Oh man, what's going on? Fine, I understand. I'll do as you say.

And that's three more.







Ramada can't fight, but his ex-minions are pretty decent. Both are speedy, dodgy, unlikely to miss most of their attacks, and sturdy enough to take a couple of hits before they go down. Mizuki comes with the Standard Ninja Chick Rune - or Shrike for short - permanently attached.



Time for the usual rounds.

Lazlo...

Yes?

...yes?

...

Fine, be that way.

Setsu...



...is a royal douche.

Well, okay, he's not royal; just a regular douche.



Flare stops us as we head out.



Actually I'm pretty sure Setsu does want me to use it, because as we have established, he is a douche. But it's nice of you to be supportive.

To be honest though, I'd rather you didn't talk about it. All these people going on about the rune are making me paranoid that I'm going to have to plot laser something again within the next fifteen minutes.



And now it's night! And all the paths are blocked except the one back to HQ.



I'm thinking they put this thing here for a reason...


Bonus content:

Just so you'll appreciate the shit I go through to bring you this, here's a small taste of what I have to go through every time I want to go somewhere. It's a good thing I can automate most of it these days! Back when I played this on a real PS2, I was not so lucky.